Iam very much cofused in taking this decision 'To work or to quit'.
Iam a software professional working for 8 years now.I have a 2.9 yrs old daughter and my mom takes care of her.I managed to be with her till 1st year and resumed to work.She will be going to preschool by this june.
Nowadays, when i start to office my little one is holding my leg and telling me 'Not to go to office' but i say bye with eyes filled with tears...hope u all can understand how that hurts.
I have housing loans and other loans going on so i have no other option for now. One option i have is to sell land which i bought for my daughter(i have only one plot) and close all the loans and quit my job to take care of my daughter.
My mom has to run behind her to feed her which is very dificult, so my mom started skipping her breakfast. When i ask my mom why she skipped her breakfast , she used to tell me she is not interested :( iam really worried.
Now, i want to quit my job to take care of my daughter and home,also iam tired of working. My husband fully supports my decision, iam lucky to have him in my life.
My mom & friends does not support me with this decision as money is more important in life, financially i will be dependent, i cannot give my kid luxurious life and above all i have my mom to take care of my kid.
Everything is correct but to my daughter iam her only mother, no one can fill my space. I already missed 2 years of my kids growth.
Iam very much confused whether to quit or to continue to work as usual. My husband supports me in my decision. Please let me know your suggesions.. Thanks
Sorry for writing such a long post...
your situvation is same as mine...
I can understand that you have lot of commitments now its type of situvation to choose good life vs child luv & affection...
I hope your mom is old hence it is difficult to takecare of her...so you have to get a nanny now...she will take care of baby (feeding etc) get toys as much as possible to ur child , ask ur mom to take her out to park etc. always keep your child engaged.If you child age is less than 1 year then quitting your job is must but now i feel u crossed that situvation becoz child can express her feeling to some extend...
Anyways she will be going to school so i dont find quitting is right decision...
These are some of my views ...hope you understand , think , judge , prorities , talk & take good decision...
All the best
Thanks Somu for your reply.
Iam also thinking of starting a business...looking for business options so that i can work and take care of my kid as well.
I love beaded jewelery making that was my hobby, so 1 option i have is to start a beaded jewelry ...any ideas in business front.
Can I tell you my story.. I m a full time working mother of 3 small kids.
I need the money and I need my independence. When I was not working I was slowly slipping into depression.
For your experience you must be earning well by now. Quiting is a very big decision... there are so many things people can do. take up lighter jobs in Operations etc.
I would never recommend. If I can do it, you can do it too. I hired a nanny to be with my kids from morning 9 till evening. I do as best as I can, rest my job has made my kids independent, stronger, more responsible.
Having a maid at home means she takes the kids to play park daily.. So honestly in the begining my kids used to cry but now they cry only for the maid when she leaves. I m happy, I wanted it that way.
Having a maid would solve your problems and it cost only 7000 rs or less.. Then why QUIT? Going back into the industry would be a bigger challenge, toughen your heart dear and you will be fine. Your daughter would also be fine, she would mature faster that way and in future respect you more for your sacrifice.
I am at the same situation and I tried several options. I tried for day care and then recruited maids. Nothing worked out for me. When I admitted in day care, in the first day she cried whole day and got fever for continuous 5 days. When we recruited maid through consultancy without finding any way, we found that all the info. provided by consultancy about the maid was a lie. It was a farud consultancy. So now I am thinking to quit job and run a day care. But my family members do not want me to quit as I have so many loans and also I donot possess any asset to sell and pay the loan.
But I realy want to own a day care as I have confidence in me. I have come to this decision as I could not find a reliable person to take care of my child.
My strong suggestion would be to find out a reliable person [maid] through friends or someone and after find such person do keep her at home and you continue your work.
Please donot urge yourself to find a maid, you should be very conscious in choosing a right maid. Anyhow if your mother is also there to lookafter the maid, so it should not be an issue.
All The Very Best.
@Rubu Hi Rubu, yes i agree with what you say..but i feel guilty to leave my kid..how do you take care of 3 kids...how u raise them ..my job timings will be 8.5 hrs ( 9am-6pm) , i reach home by 7 or 7.30 pm...i used to play with her and give her dinner then we sleep..is this time enough to groom her? My daughter is such a sweet girl always understands me ..i used to tell her that iam going to office to buy more toys for her..to my suprise she told me she dont want toys and she wants me :(..thn after some time she wiped her eyes and said 'Amma neenga office ponga ..naa azhamata' i will be a good girl ,..Now i feel more guilty !!!
@Sharmila - Yes its tough to get a good maid..afraid wheher she will handle with care..
My daily schedule is wake up around 6:45 am and have my tea and wake up kids, get kids going to school. My maid comes and she helps me with her amazing speed at working, pack lunchbox for husband and kids and I go along with them at around 9 am.
I come back at around 6:30 pm. I unwind spend some time with them. All my kids are asked to be given a good nap in the afternoon. I insist my maid sleeps with them, that way all are well rested.
So evening time they spend good quality time with me, studies, playing at park, dinner - all eat on their own, story time or library time and then they sleep very late at around 10:30pm. I again go back to office work stimes in the evening and in the night and unwind by 12 am.
I m very fast in cooking and my maid helps me with that... I have learnt few tricks from her to do my work fast.
So honestly once your kids school starts full time, more than half the day she wud be gone, take a nap and then evening time you anyway get with them, then why not work.
u hv ur mom, some help with cooking right - here i cook 1 time meal and plus. Just keep a timer and improve ur efficiency in doing ur work and then spend quality time with kid.
U can do it Ramya. Don't feel scared of failing and dont get upset with what your child says... they are kids. My kids say so many things, I dont take it to my heart.
I found my maid just like that. I gave her so much love, good money, flexibility, good food.. she is part of family now.. treat them nice and they will love you back. My maid is my pillar of strength and charity begins at home. I hv to improve her lifestyle. If i quit my job she suffers too. So far I hav not lost anything from home. she is honest brave and kind. She motivates me in life....
I pay 8000rs plus food to her. she leaves back home in the evening and I give her alternate sundays Off.
By the way my maid is strict, high on discipline with kids and even me. I have given her freedom and space at home.
Kids love her. They cry when she goes in the evening. I go with just a bye bye but my maid leaves with hugs and kisses and tears fm kids...I made it that way. I pushed my kids towards the maid so that they bond well. And also so that I dont have to see them cry everytime i go for work.
Take the guilt part out of your life and enjoy ur job.
I am also sailing in the same boat. These lines are really motivating. My daughter is 2.5yrs old and i too drag myself with just one thing in mind. In few months from now, she will begin going to full day school and will get busy.
I should be able to give her a luxurios life. With the way things are shaping up, education will be extremely costly and we should be able to afford the best for them.
In all this turmoil our health goes for a toss. I wonder if the husbands are listening and can try to contribute for all their wives to make their living better and mutually benefit as well.
Just wanted to share my 2 cents.
I may sound theoretical. But I am practicing this and working out fine for me.
Disclaimer: I am not a homemaker and I'm a male and given a choice I would love to sit at home and take care of my kids. But I do work-life balancing very well to devote quality time.
I have crossed this phase, my lil one is now 5. I too felt very guilty to leave her. She used to say the same, i dont want toys, please be with me, dont go to office. After started going to school she only cries on weekends for her school frnds.
Now your kid is 2.9 yrs, she will be going to pre-school from next academic year. Search for a good pre-school where they pamper our kids. Once she settles in that, she will cry on weekends for frnds.
Feeding front, infact our mothers will take great care of children than us. If they skip break fast, they wont let them go jus like that. They will supplement it with fruits, nuts or anything which kids like. As a mother that too working, we will have our own fears as guilty of not taking care of lil baby will be running behind us. But you are working to make your daughter comfortable in future.
I m leaving my daughter in day care after school hours. U are lucky enough to have ur mom with u.
Just relax, think twice before you take a decision.
All the best dear
Thank you ananyamom, krishiaishu and tinnu...
I will discuss with my husband and let me see what can i do betterment of my family without feeling guilty :)
@Rubu, I have been reading many of your posts. I am almost falling in love with you for your spirit and attitude. :-) If ever I move to bangalore, I will sure want to find you and give you one Big Hug ;o)
@krishiaishu, Today ladies go to work not to own a BMW or for posh needs. Even to meet the basic ammenities like Khanna, Kappada aur Makkan and ofcourse quality education, Both partners need to work.
@RamyaRajesh, Today you are so sentimental b'coz your kid says she doesn't need toys and just you. Tommorrow after she grows-up her demands might change. Even if she is not demanding your urge to give good quality of life for your daughter might make you even more sad, if you are not financially equipped. I don't meant to say run after money, I just say we need to strike the correct work life balance. Trust my words, after few years from now, your own kid will prefer spending time with her friends more than with you. She might want to spend time with you at some time but for sure not 24/7. You are in a way lucky atleast your kids is with your mom, who will not poison her against you. Most of working ladiesneed to leave their kids with their in-laws who poison the kids against their daughter-in law. That is even more painfull.
Also you think you can dispose the land in hand and get settled - Are you ready to handle anykind of emergency situations??? If yes you can might as well retire if not you need to think twice before you make a decision.
I wud say, don't quit but start planning for your retirement.
I was in the same boat few years back. I had 2 children with less than 2 years gap. I was doing well in my job and good career prospects for the future.
I did the whole maid things also. I was gifted with a wonderful nanny to care of my children for 7 years.But the guilt never left me even when i was in the office.
But the sailing is not smooth with both of us coming late from work and travelling. All the talk about work life balance doesnt work.
My husband used to pitch in quite a lot also. But i felt that to live up to careers and aspirations we were missing out on our childrens growing years and their bonding with us.
We looked at our savings created a personal financial plans, paid up loans, cut down on expenses drastically and i quit my job.
I stayed back at home with my girls for three years till they were both ready to start proper school.I cherish those with my whole heart every single day. It helped to bond with my daughters.
I went back to job with little bit of nervousness my fears were all wrong. I think your credilibity and experience will lead only further. Time will not play such huge factor in careers i think. Also this time i took up a job which is not stressful and take long hours.
I back at home early to make sure that i get enough time to take care of their needs and help them with their studies. They might not need us round the clock as much when they in their teens but i strongly feel that all the children need their parents to be with them as much as possible.My girls are 11 and 9 , they are independent and strong . They are still learning on how to handle life and they know clearly whom they should talk to if there is a problem.
We still stick to same financial plans no loans, no unnecessary expenses. Parenting is the most difficult job in todays scenario. there are no rights or wrongs only options we need to choose the best option for our children and us.
working mom and guilt goes hand in hand.
initial years with the child is an important time (0-6 yrs) .
so if possible take a break and take up something which gives u time for the child be it business or a part time job.
my friend (IIM pass out ,had a senior position ) had quit to look after her child.
now she knows he has grown (3 yrs) yet she looking for a lighter job.
got a project which has only 5 hrs a day work from tata second career option.
so there are options avl
consult ur hubby and check ur conscience...
ask urself what will make u happy
and list ur priorities and decide
all the best
@Anthi: Wanted to clarify on your comments to make sure that my comments are misconstrued.
"Today ladies go to work not to own a BMW or for posh needs. Even to meet the basic ammenities like Khanna, Kappada aur Makkan and ofcourse quality education, Both partners need to work."
Kindly read my thoughts. I didn't state that today's world ladies aspire to own BMW or Porsche. I said that our needs grow as we start earning more.
Just quoting my original
Individuals need to think what is right / wrong for them and take a call.
I can be happy with a simpler life but quality life.
Without my job, I cannot survive. I take care of a lot of expenses which helps my husband take care of the major ones.
Our life is complicated cause of house loans, car loans... etc the debt kind of life. My job is my mental relief.
I have seen major pain to have had a attitude change in my life. I hv not much plans for retirement. I know I will continue to work as long as I can and as long as God permits me. But God never make me dependent on anyone anyday.
My kids will do good in life, they will work and be strong in life. My belief should be strong to push me ahead. And I survive one day at a time... take it slowly. Its stressful but one day by one day. Its a one day challenge for me.
I have to choice before me:
1. Work and live happily - a little stressful but a life of dignity
2. Stay at home and be everybody doormat. Hear everyone speak crap abt you. Undignified life, like that of dying everyday. I will never go back to that, the fights at home that I didnt contribute and all the endless complains and nagging that wat you do is not enough.
Thanks everyone for replying ...i need to think about this seriously..discussed with my hubby yesterday...he said even if i quit ..he wants me to take up some business/part time job...not to be idle at home..lets c..
This is a very good discussion and I thought i may be able to contribute since I too went through your dilemma. I quit working when my daughter was 8 months old. She is 2 now. I too had been working for almost 10 years and earning quite well, and losing my independence was a big question even for me.
Do I regret my decision now. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I wanted to be with my baby, but did not want to miss working. So, I converted my passion to my work. I started my own website on Indian parenting , and thankfully it is doing quite well now.
I have been with my baby for all her important milestones and enjoyed watching her grow up and at the same time I have something which I can work on.
But, to each her own. We too have home loan, but they were manageable and my husband was ready to support me in whatever decision I took.
I guess it should be more about what you want. If you feel, you are going to miss your job, I would say, harden your heart and keep working. Find a good maid, though not all of us can be as lucky as Rubu, who can help your Mum.
But, if you really want to be with your baby and have some passion you could pursue, this could be a blessing in disguise.
I understand that you feel strongly about working.But not earning money does not make you a doormat. Atleast, not if you have supportive husband and family and can stand up for your decisions. Even I had to face some opposition from my mother-in-law when I decided to quit, but I knew I what I wanted.
I think you should not have to work just to prove others wrong. You get just one life and you must do what you feel is right for you. If it is work then that and if you really want to be with your kids then nobody's judgment should affect you.
my only advice - dont quit job. yes you can take up some other job which is not so demanding.. or ask for partime job in the same company. there are companys which have creches in office or tieups.
try placing your kid in day care cum pre school a little bit of good quality, and professional. since you both are earning i am sure you can afford. this is as an immediate stance and then you can take your time to find a maid at home. it is not so simple and cant trust someone completely. but the daycares which have tie ups wth multinationals are trusted brands and cant afford to be careless since it will spoil their reputation.
giving up a job is not desirable in today's world. or start some venture in a small way alongside your job and then you can make the switch when the venture can be made full time, but all this will take time and lots of patience.
best of luc.
newmother: I took a break when I had my 3 kids. Getting back to work was difficult. I m underpaid for my talent but I would pick up I know. Rest, staying at home was an eye opener. Made me realise working is better. I started working cause of intense pressure from home but reality is I like it.
Support is a big thing for all women. I didnt have support. The only thing my husband supports is that I should work. He does nth more at home other than occasional 10 min conversation with kids or outside trip once in 2-3 months. Rest everything operations side is my headache, financial side he manages.
My husband is nice to me only as long as I m working else he has a very bad attitude against homemakers. His idea of ideal homemaker is so tough that its best to be working outside, earning and having fun. Anything and everything I do is not enough. I got tired of hearing complains against me. Did I deserve it, partly yes.... I myself found out I M not cut out to be a homemaker.
My mil is a nice lady who motivated me harshly to start working but since I m loving it, I love her for what she did for me. She really cares.
work from home, do a business, take a part time job... you can do whatever as long as it brings some money at home and there is peace at home.. Support from husband too.
ALso, as a reminder, by intense pressure, I cant even begin to tell you what level of pressure I faced when I returned back from US after 5.5 years of break in my career.
I took up night shift with 3 kids all less than 5 years age. My youngest was only 18 months and breastfeeding, no maid, no parents, no inlaws ... Nth. I took up the job and said I would join in 10 days. I searched on streets, asked shopkeepers, word of mouth for a maid. Said I would pay above average and take good care of anyone who joins me..the night shift part was to address the basic issue, I didnt know how to drive around in bangalore, no streets, address nth, if i took part night shift I got free cab. Also I had an urgent need for a good paying job.
I found my maid in 5 days, trained her in 5 days and started working. rest is history, she is with me since last 2 years and she is like family.
Nth came easy. Tremenduous pressure. I spent day time playignng with my kids, and worked at night ... came back late and started early again next day... My husband did support this time around. For 1 year he managed the kids during night time. The maid ofcourse helped, neighbours and friends helped.
Since then I changed my job when all 3 started school this year. since last year I m doing a regular 9 to 6:30 job.
We can build our own support system, get good child care, find good friends in apts who would step in for us. I help my friends, maintain it, cook extra food for them and send it to their home and in return they help me whenever I need.
Let me share my views here.going to job or staying at home and taking care of family purely depends on the family situtation and understanding between Hus. & wife. Considering others perpesctive wil not work.
If u have financial commitment or you are career oriented persson thenit is better to continue the job rather than quitting it and then feeling sorry for it. You have mentioned that u are tired of working and want to be with your daughter. so, listen to your mind and then decide.
Nice to read so many views.. Being a Kindergarten teacher for five years now, I can say that there will be an immense difference in a child if the mother is at home to recieve them. I see a clear difference in children who's mother is at home and the one's who leave their children with grandparents or day care. They have insecurity issues. You may not realise it now but definately when he becomes an adult!
Being with your child during the First 7 golden years is important than interfering in you child's life when he's an adult..
Read more about waldorf parenting
Best of luck
Wow, what a thread a what a discussion......delima of today's mother.....
Let me share with you my experience on this. I have a 7 year old child. I was working in IT till she was 3 years. My parents and in-laws used to take turns to stay with us. But there was a time when this arrangement was no longer feasible and then I quit my job.
So I have seen both the sides of the coin. All I can say is following either of the two is not easy. On one hand I can see an immense difference in my child (once I stopped working). The time I spend, the things which I do with her today are un-imaginable when I was working. Today I can see what all things I would have missed out if I would have continued with my job. I can NEVER regret my decision of quitting my job.
But having said that, this is not an easy decision to take and stick to. From being a financialy independent, career-oriented person I was suddenly transformed into a financialy dependent housewife. At times, it causes me a lot of depression to lead a life which I had never imagined for myself. After 4 years, I am planning to get back to work (as now my child is in school from 7:30-3:30). My only problem is I want a part-time, less demanding job, which is difficult to get in IT.
So friends, according to me, the best for any child is obviously if the mother can stay at home. But this is an ideal situation and we do not live in an ideal world. We are all surrounded by financial constraints, issues with in-laws/husband etc. And it is very easy for a non-working mother to fall into depression, which can be worse for the child. Hence take a decision according to what your situation is. Best of Luck !
I just came across this thread when browsing throught the site. It was surprising that to find so many people in the same boat as me.
@RamyaRajesh : Even i am a working mother with a 3 yr old kid.Even i had gone through similar thoughts as you. Few changes that i made has helped me to handle things in a better way.i will mention them below hope it helps. I dont have anybody at home to help, i leave my child in day care .
1. I found a good home like feel day care
2. I work in IT field, changed my company to a one with flexi hours and work from home option, i come to office by 9.45 or 10 and leave by 5. If any work is left , i take up after my child sleeps.
3.Shifted my place of stay to a closer place , so that i did not spend time in travelling
4. Form a postive image about the play school or day care in your child's mind. The kid should feel safe and be comfortable when you are not around. before joining to work , i spent a month accompanying the child to day care and being there.
5. I talk to my child about what happened in school and what i did in office. A child can't undertsand the necessity of going to work, i say to my child that i go there to do activity as he does in school. When i am back from home i make sure that i spend a quality hours talking or playing with the child.
6. I have a cook to help for night dinner, so that i dont spend my time in kitchen. instead i spend with my son.
Your child will be attending a full day school in few down the line. I would suggest you look at work as a positive time outside your house and also in that time plan out you child's time in such a way that the child is occupied.
In the time spent together, cherish it, be a part of your child's world. Look at your work as a supporting one to your spouse and as an boost to yourself, your learnings and the better things that you can afford for your child.
Ariesmom: Appreciate and value your thoughts!
@mylittleworld - You are true..My mom started working as teacher in the same school where i sudied when i was 8 yrs old, Slowly, me, my dad and my elder sister got adjusted to the routine.
But , now iam rushing my kid to get ready in the morning to leave her in my moms home., iam just forcing my poor little one to get adjusted.
Can you please let me know some more on child's growth when we leave them to their grand parents?
@vhappymom - Nice to hear from you as you know about both..thanks for sharing your thoughts.
@Ariesmom - I have already done some changes except cook and travel time. Your suggestions are realy good adn valueable one.
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