Hi, I have a daughter who is goin to be 3 very soon and am also expecting my second kid in another one month time !
I do keep telling my daughter often that there is going to be one more new arrival at home and sort of prepare her for that..but since she is too small i think she understands few things and doesnt understand few..
Generally i would want to know how should WE be prepared to handle the situation ..like i would like to get inputs as to what kind of things we shud keep in mind .
Is it ok to mother feed the second one if the first one is around..wat kind of things to expect and all these are running in my mind constantly.. few ppl say the first one will become more aggressive after seeing the newborn and might want to do everything wat the baby does and would want everything to be given to them too..
I just want to know how you parents handled these kind of situations out of ur experience and would be glad to get inputs from u based on ur experiences !
Am also in the same boat. My son is 3.5 years and we are expected our second one in another 5 months.
Little worried as I have heard few scary stories also...
Appreciate any thoughts... :-)
congratulations to both of u, jayabs and vasu..there is an article on this issue in 'parenting-september issue' that u may find interesting..take care
hi aanchal...thanks :) ..could you let me know where can i find this article ?!!?
Hai Jaya and Vasu,
Try not to ignore the first one,that's the least thing they want from you.
First of all,if the elder child is closer to the mom,try and involve another family member for their daily activities like feeding and bathing etc,it'll be relieving to the mom and if done b4 the younger one arrives, it'll be hardly noticed afterwards!!!
And don't get tensed if the elder one tries to pull the little one,it is the way in which they get to know their sibling,so do show them how to handle the little one.I think explaining things to the elder one will make the task easier,say that they were also small and did the same things before.
Hope this helps you!
hi radhika..thanks a lot for ur inputs..guess am on the rite track ! have already started doing that...will take ur points and will do accordingly....
I was in the same boat 2 yrs back.. but now i have 2 kids 5 and 2yrs having a perfect healthy relationship.\firstly take out all the negative fellings from whatever u have heard (odd stories).Involve ur 3yr old in buying stuff for the new born like selecting few toys and tell her that the small baby would grow up soon to play with her and instill the excitement. Give her lots of priority over the new one since for sometime for the newborn wont be able to understand now and let the elder one come to tems with her new role.. But let it be gradual .. u need to let her know the baby and she r equally important for u and if possible send her to some playgroup so u and the lill one would get some rest..
hi anunish...those were some good pointers to me...thanks a lot !!!!
I have first hand experience in what you are about to face as i have two boys aged 5 and 3. I suggest that you buy a lot of small gifts for your elder child and keep them handy. When your elder child insists on getting your attention at a time when you can't leave the little one, this will come in handy.
Besides letting the elder feel a part of the younger's daily routine, you MUST make sure to spend some time with your elder child without letting the small baby distract you. Maybe you could take your daughter to a nearby icecream parlour or to the park where just the two of you could spend time together. She will cherish this time with you and this will make your bond with her stronger. This will also go a long way in calming her fears and insecurities.
You should allow her to play with the little one's toys. As guests are bound to gush over the little baby, also praise how your daughter has been such a loving elder sister and big help to you... so that some praise can be directed at her too.
The idea is to not remove her from her exalted position in the family, but to encourage her to accept that her younger brother or sister is also part of her kingdom :)
I can understand your anxiety pretty much coz I was the same about 5 months back when my son was due. People kept telling me about all the negative aspects.... but no one really told me how to handle it. my daughetr is 3 yrs old and my son has just turned 5 months old.
Before the baby arrives take your elder child for doctor visits.. let her/him hear the baby's heartbeat... they instantly connect. Try to talk about how your elder one behaved in your womb... let the elder one feel the kicks or the other activities which we feel.... these things instantly connect with the children. I am talking from my experience coz My daughter instantly connected with my son from the very first day. She was ready for the new baby. In fact when I left for the hospital.... she said she will come and meet me.. once the baby comes.
. Get gifts for your elder one and try to give it to her/him when visitors come with gifts for the new baby. TRy spending time with your elder one as much as possible.All this are already told to you
However, i personally feel.. having some one at home at this time specially your parents or in laws will be best. YOu can leave the younger one with them.. when he/she doesnt need you and give the available time to your elder one. We know by now the amount of rest we require after the baby arrives. I faced a problem where my younger son would sleep only at 3 in the morning... and I had to be awake to get my daughter up for school by 6.And by the time she awoke I was almost all the time feeding the baby. My mother gave me a very sensible advice . When my son turned 2 months, I started giving him bottle for the first feed of the morning... after which he started having a sound sleep and I started getting more time with my daughter. I know doctors insist that we should exclusively breast feed... but sometimes we need o get a bit practical. I dint find any harm with it... at first i used to feel guilty... but then the content face of my daughter took off all these guilt. Let your elder one get you nappies for the new one, when it gets wet..... let her see how the potty is cleaned.... Get opinion on what colour dress should the younger one wear ...
Hope this also helps... and yeah congrats... and wish you a healthy baby!
i was talking about the new magazine 'parenting'..the article is out in sept issue.
hope u doing fine..take care
Thanks everyone for your inputs. I was lil away over the long weekend :-)
I'm exactly doing the same of taking my elder one to all doctor visits.... He is excited in seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeats....and so on...
We are slowly imbibing the thought that he should take care of the the younger one and should play big brother role.... now days he started saying that I will take care of the baby.....
Would encourage everyone thoughts to add more value..
Was in the same place as you a few years back. Some tips:
1) Our pediatrician told us never to neglect the first child. I was in the U.S. and all alone with no help. I had asked what if both are crying (the older one was 2 years and 3 months when the new one was born), what to do. The Ped had said that within reason, make sure you attend to the older one first. He had also recommended that I spent 1 hour with the older one uninterrupted without the baby. I used to nurse and leave the baby with my inlaws and take the little one to the park and we would play. I remember taking her to the park just 3 days after the baby was born as soon as I reached home from the hospital since my older one had recovered from a nasty virus and was cranky. Imagine!
2) Get a baby doll for your older one. She can pretend she is the mom.
3) Get a gift from the baby for the older one and keep in your suitcase or have your husband carry it.
These little things help but there is no substitute for making the old one feel secure and content.
Wow ! those were some very timely inputs...i would like to thank all for responding with all your experiences..Will keep these in mind and will try to follow it ..Luckily i have been doing almost wahtever you ppl have suggested...now 3 more weeks to go i think we are almost ready for the new one :)....Thanks a lot !
I found this book very useful - What do you really want for your children - Dr.Wayne Dyer.
The book - Siblings Without Rivalry - is a great read! I suggest you pick it up now - you will not have the time later ;-).
I also read an interesting article. It said this - Imagine if your husband gets another woman home. He spends all his time with her, expects you to treat her gently and not talk while she's sleeping, he is always attending to her and finds no time for you. How would you feel about the other woman? This is how a child may feel when another is brought home :). What the article is trying to say is, it is perfectly natural for a child to feel bad, perfectly normal for her to express her feelings. She may say " I hate the baby, throw him in the dustbin". In such a situation, rather than admonishing her and making her feel guilty about her feelings, it may work if you tell her it is perfectly normal to love and hate the same person at different times (don't we do that too?).
I found this very very useful in handling my first son's frustrations. He became an angel once he felt 'understood'. He started showing his love automatically!
I definitely understand your pains as we took our 6 months old baby to US and we had real tough times in managing him.
In fact, I realized the importance of elders support at that time...
Thanks for everyone's thoughts in this.
We were blessed with baby boy last month on the 1st Sept , our elder son is aged 2.5 years now. I personally feel its challenging to manage both the kids in understanding their emotional feelings.
I am going through this tough time but at the end of the day its enjoying and I feel your softkills are proven.
Thanks & Best Regards,
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