Soft,docile & sincere child

25 replies, Page 1

sachpreet 2011-03-16 18:39:44

 

Hi

I have 3.11 year old boy. He is very obedient boy. By God's grace he is having all the qualities which a mother wants.But the problem is he don't hit any child.Sometimes other rowdy children hit him.Once a 2 & half year old boy hit him & he get scared.Due to this often i have to spend sleepless nights.I teach him to give response quickly by giving a slap if any child hits.He is not dominating types.But he know how to protect himself.He don't go between those kids who are very naughty..But  this  world is so clever,how he will become tough.I know i should not compare my child with clever ones.But someone hits him,it hurts mother's heart.Any suggestions please

thanks


roses 2011-03-16 20:21:03

 

Hi Sachpreet,

I can well relate to with your concern since you are a mother and a mother never stops worrying. Trust me, he will be just fine.

Around six months ago I used to worry about my son in the same vein too. He is the only child and was extremely well mannered. He could barely speak but knew the word 'excuse me' and to go past other children to reach for toys would say 'see me'. He would not fight back for his things or for himself if someone pushed him. Instead he would walk back to the boy who would push him and start playing next to him. I would watch and worry.

Today he is a changed child. Ever since he has joined pre-school, he has other children his age and is thrown into a world where he has to fight back for his rights. Gosh ! There are days that I worry about him being too boisterous and often have to work with him on shedding the word 'mine' when he is at home.

On a different note, even if your little one does not change and continues to be the way he is, please do not worry he will be just fine. Children come bestowed with the art of surviving...that is why God has gifted them with the ability to 'cry' and 'scream'.

Some points:

1. Please stay away from protecting him when he is with other children his age. Let him handle his battles and sort out his grievances on his own. You should just be an passive spectator just to step in when it gets out of hand.

2. As he grows up, it does not mean you expose him to unruly and rough kids. You will need to keep him away from them because you do not want their influence on him. Often the dominating ones use the passive/quiet ones as 'front men' and because the quiet ones need the support and want to please they become easy targets for these activities. You do not want him to go that route. You will need to keep a watchful eye for that all along.

3. Expose the world to him. Gradually as he grows do not keep him away or protect him from reality. This way he will know real life and learn to survive in his quiet manner.

4. Talk to him as frequently and as much as you can. Be his confidant. This is because he will need you as a guiding factor.

There are all sorts of personalities. My younger brother was one such.

Even as a child he knew how to survive. He knew how to not get into trouble. Often I was pulled up for something he did only because he had such an angel face.

He was 6ft 1inch tall and if I ever had a fight with him he would come crying, apologize, put his arms around me and make up even if it wasn't his fault.

I had a cousin who would tease him saying 'if I had a body like yours, I would be beating up boys all over' .

He has done very well in life. Knows when to speak up and hits the nail right in the head.

The way they say it: Sau sonar ki ek lohar ki (A goldsmith can keep pounding and one hammer stroke by a blacksmith does it).

He'll be just fine!!

I am guessing he is the only child and probably will be so.

 

 

 

aanchal 2011-03-16 22:00:36

 

very good inputs from roses!! (superb job, roses!)

sachpreet: check out this link:

http://www.parentree.in/groupdiscussion-6229/How-does-your-child-react-when-hit-by-other-kids-.html

 

 

Poonamtp 2011-03-17 04:04:03

 

Hi Roses,Sachpreet and Aanchal

Thanks  for your inputs roses. My son is also  like sachpreet's.

Even I am also worried. My son don't like violence. My son even don't like if we saw any news of fire or earthquakes,fighting movies  etc. He immediately reacts become nervous or sometimes he get tears in his eyes. He asks me mom bad guys are not there in the world na? The fire,earthquakes do not happen now right mom? he asked such ques I showed him the news of earthquake and blasts happened in Japan. He immediately asked mom this will not happen here at our place right?. He is six yrs old but from early childhood he always try to protect himself. I asks him always do anyone hit you in school do u got hurt. He always says mom if someone comes to hit me I ran away from them. I also get worried sometime but he is a clever boy no one can make him fool. He is confident too But he don't have that dominating attitude and really very innocent and emotional. He only likes to talk with the persons who talk with him gently and lovely.  He don't affraid of anythings but just don't like violence. 

Ek din use mein smoke or steam ke beech mein kya difference hai bata rahi thi. Cooker ki vhisal ho rahi thi to vo steam hai or smoke dikhane ke liye maine kagaj jalaya to vo rone lag gaya usne muze immediatly vo kagaj pani mein dalne ke liye majboor kiya mom aag lag jayegi pani me dalo karke chillane lag gaya meine use samjhaya ki mein to sirf smoke dikhana chahati hoon tumhe don't worry to usne kaha muze pata hai book mein dekha hai maine. Itana sensitive hai vo.

but I think as he will grow up he will learn the facts of real life. I always tell him God is always there with good people and always give punishments to bad guys so don't worry.  

But mom's heart  to taklif to hogi hee lekin lagata hai aage chalke khud duniya use majboot banayegi hum to hai hee uske saath. I love my son. I am so lucky and i know god is and will always with him.

So  Sachpreet you too don't worry. Give ur child lots of love and support.

 

 


sachpreet 2011-03-17 05:45:34

 

Thanks Aanchal,Poonamtp & Roses.Roses is right mother never stops worrying.He is the only child.It seems you know my child very well. He is just like that. But there is lot of improvement in him after joinin school.Now he shows his anger,earlier it was not so.He was very confident in interviews & spoke very well.He Knows when to speak up and hits the nail right in the head.I think he is a diplomatic boy & clever from inside.My mother says he is a understanding boy & knows where he should use his energy.My mother also use this term Sau saunar ki ek lauhar ki in context of my son & my husband.He knows where i should go & where i shouldn't.Even when he plays he protect himself.Otherwise he is happy go lucky & active child.But some situtions are unavoidable.My sis-in-law came in last summer vacation.She come with two children one is her own & one is her sis-in-law's.Both are very rough kids.They have very bad habits.I live upstairs.I cannot remain all the time with my son.Even if they snatch my son's belongings he goes there to play with them.Evenif sombody hurt him he again goes to play with him.Last time I didn't send him to play with them, it become issue then.Again she is coming in june.I will make myself tough,I won't stop him to play with them.He will get hurt once,twice or thrice.Once he will give response. He have to face everything alone.How can i protect him so much.I think Aanchal & Roses should suggest something to poonamtp also.My son don't get scared from earthquakes,fighting movies,blasts.When my son was small he use to get scared from Pressure Cooker's whistle.But I constantly told him whenever i prepared food .If the food won't be cooked what we will eat.Don't run away .Come & see how mama is preparing  food.I think some fears created by parents unknowingly.I give you example when child don't sleep in night mother says ' watchman aayega tumhe utha ke le jayega bore main band kar ke,jaldi se so jayo.My father-in-law read the newspaper & told to my son," dekho ye picture Bus mein aag lagi hui hai.One day he wanted to go outside in evening.We were asking him to come inside.My father-in-law said "Bahar kidnappers bethe hai bacho ko pakar kar le jate hai."These fears created specially upto age of five.One of my close friend used to say like this.His son don't go outside without her.I'm not pointing out it to any particular  mother.But i always stop my friend & father-in-law to say like this.Aanchal & Roses will give good inputs on it.

 

 

aanchal 2011-03-17 10:47:14

 

sachpreet: you are absolutely right that more than half of the fears in the child are instilled by other adults around him..things like "zidd karoge to main tumhe chhod ke chali jaaungi, soge nahi to bandar aa jaayega, khana khaalo nahi to kamjor ho jaaoge, theek se chalo nahi to gir jaaoge" are like everyday matters in most households, without realizing how much they scare the child.

there is a capacity in all of us to bear a trauma. this capacity is partly genetic, partly environmental and partly coming from parents. even different adults react differently to the same situation. some of us feel extremely scared to know about the nuclear calamity in japan, while some of us dont feel affected at all...how we react to trauma, will affect our children's capacity too. if we get too dramatic when the electric fuse blows, when the TV cable gets disconnected, when sabjiwala cheats and gives less veggies, or when anything else happens that matters to us, kids are going to learn the same and will react with similar dramatized anxiety when something happens that affects them.

there is something called PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), in which a person shows signs of extreme anxiety, fear, some physical symptoms after a trauma has happened. for kids, even something small can be traumatic..something that can go very well unnoticed by adults..suppose a mother has been hospitalized for a minor surgery or for second delivery, it has a very big impact on the child to be away from mother, who is ailing at a hospital. he can develop a fear of losing mother. he could react with great anxiety whenever his mother runs up a fever ("she is going to be hospitalized again") or even when some disaster happens somewhere else ("if so many children have seperated from their mothers due to this flood, i will be too, if a flood were to happen here")

so if your child is showing unusual sensitivity to something, then there is a deep rooted anxiety that is bothering him. so calming him down when he is distressed is the first thing we should do, but not the only thing. we should try to go further deep in his psyche and find out what is it about the fire/smoke/flood that makes him so anxious.

about being bullied and not being able to hit back, there are many reasons..some of them are given in the link i have given in previous post.

 

Poonamtp 2011-03-17 12:55:17

 

hi aanchal and sachpreet

We never threatened him because uski jarurat hi nahi padi kabhi bhi. My child is a good listener and well mannered. And Aanchal as u said we are also tough i mean its not from us too. I never feared of anything and nor his dad. I was sports girl in my school days so tough and cool and calm. 

But Aanchal is it because when i was pregnant I didn't watched any violence things. but I read the books of Ramayana,Bhagvadgeeta,books on Chhatrapati Shivaji maharaj,shlokas etc Its a impact of this that he don't like violence. And isn't it good that he don't like to hit someone? He says fighting is not good mom right, so what should I say no no u also start fighting if someone hits you. I think these are his good qualities that he don't like to hurt anyone and don't like violence. When he will grow up I think he will become strong emotionally. It's not like that he don't have power to oppose if its game and we pretending to fight he uses his full energy to attack and to protect.

I visited Manashakti kendra at Lonavala in pregnancy I am giving the details below

 Based on ancient Vedic concepts of prenatal education, an educational community near Pune has been offering a program for thousands of pregnant parents and their unborn babies for 35 years. The goal of the program is to welcome the baby with good thoughts, impart good values to the fetus, improve the emotional health of parents, increase the active participation of the fathers during pregnancy, and increase the courage and confidence of mothers during labor. Unique to this program is its extensive use of scientific instruments designed to measure the subtle effects of the mind on the body of both parents and babies. This paper briefly describes the program, its historical roots and empirical results.More than six thousand parents have taken part in the project and they are quite vocal about their satisfaction with the outcome. Their tests show that in more than 70% cases of babies delivered after adoption of this procedure, the 'courage' temperament has increased. Babies are alert, attentive, receptive and sharp. This project has become a tool for social revolution, spreading good values in society. Babies in the womb are affected by the thoughts and emotions of their parents. Therefore, it becomes essential for parents to avoid negative thoughts and bad habits, and to maintain a cheerful atmosphere.

 

sachpreet 2011-03-17 16:45:08

 

Hi Poonam

You incalculate very good values in your child right from pregnancy.Even I didn' see any violent movie.My mother guided me not to see these movies.She asked me to remain away from the noise of crackers also during diwali.Of course these are very good qualities well mannered, sincere,good listener.These children are very sharp-mind which is  my observation.I share one thing to you i hope pls. don't laugh.One month back in chandigarh one boy was kidnapped & later he was killed.He was nobody for me.But i cried very much.Whereas my friend also read this news in newspaper there was no effect on her.I talked to my mother .10 mins talk with her made me so strong that nobody will make me that much strong.You will have to make him strong.Because a mother is next to God.Aanchal helps us to find the root cause of problems.Roses has done really a superb job.And we are lucky that we have a psychotherapist in between us who provide us guidance free of cost.Anyway Aanchal we are not going to pay you.Because these are priceless things.I also often think why my child is so docile because i was having so many adjustment problems in family during pregnancy.That was my first year of marriage & first pregnancy also.I tolerated many things quietly.I was not having even courage to speak .Sometimes i feel  I'm lucky that i have got a child like him. I often say to my husband due to some past good karma i got  this child.Many mothers get tensed due to naughty child.In long run these good  qualities play a great role.Enjoy the life with kids.This quality time with kids won't come back again.Enjoy the motherhood.

 


sachpreet 2011-03-17 16:55:09

 

But being good is not enough Poonam.You should teach him to hit back also according to situation.Read the link given above by Aanchal.

http://www.parentree.in/groupdiscussion-6229/How-does-your-child-react-when-hit-by-other-kids-.html

Try to find out is there any fear instilled in him by any other adult around him with patience.Try to remove that with love & affection.

 

aanchal 2011-03-17 18:08:50

 

sweet thoughts, sachpreet :)

i think two separate issues are getting a little mixed up here in the discussion..one issue is the child's docility/ non-violent nature and the other issue is the child's inability to cope with traumatic news/sight of fire etc...both are different issues and require different approach.

 

 

ramani123 2011-03-17 19:06:02

 

Hello to all.........

 

First of all I must say I am indebted to parentree.

I come to know so manythings by just passing through different thread and always think how limited my knowledge is ( I used to think myself contrary and even tried to teach my wife how to take care of kid).

Coming to this topic.....I always think interaction and for that matter behaviour also, among the family member is very important which every child watch and learn. So always present yourself as intrepid and confident. Also never tell a story or give an example to child which in anyway indicate fear......(some tell their children .....some story to take meal, go to the bed or to brush etc. and instill fear element in them).....Instead tell a hero story who conquer all the glory

Hope I am correct to some extent ......rest you all are expert.

 

Poonamtp 2011-03-18 03:28:36

 

Hi Sachpreet,

Even I am like you. I am also emotional sometimes some news affects me also and I talk with my mom and feel relaxed. But now since I became mother and some ups and downs in life,some situations taught me to become strong.  

I manytimes says to my son Gandhiji ka jamana gaya kisne ek gaal pe agar chata lagaya to abhi dusara age karne ka jamana nahi hai use do chaton se jawab dena padta hai. Lekin fir bhi mein itne chote umar mein usee ye samajha nahi sakati aage chalke wo khud emotionally strong ho jayega.

You asked me Try to find out is there any fear instilled in him by any other adult around him with patience.

Two incidents I must tell you my inlaws came to home I left my son with them and went out for some work. My inlaws wanted to watch TV and my son was small he didn't allow them to watch because he wanted to watch his Educational CD on TV. They threatened him ye sab kuch(laad pyaar) tumhare mom and dad ke pass chalega humare pass nahi. And ye muze meri kaam vali mausi ne bataya ki vo aap nahi hoti hai to datate hai. Ek baar vo cycle chalane leke gaye use chalte vaqt pakdna chodke vo ruk gaye aur my son fall down. Uske baad vo cycle pe baithane say darata tha fir maine use vaapas sikhaya abhi vo girta hai ya chot lagti hai to darta nahi hai ya rota nahi hai. Bachoon ko darana,dhamkana achhi baat nahi hai vo bachhon ke maan mein rah jata hai , Sachpreet hum USA agaye hai to vo mere inlaws ke saath phone pe bhi baat nahi karta hai uske papa use insist karte hai grandma aur grandpa se baat karo (uske dad ye incidents nahi jante) to he said I don't like them. Maine fir kahan ki shayad vo use pamper nahi karte isiliye. Mere mother in law ne use kahan ki mein jab tum India vaapas aaoge te tumse baat nahi karungi to you know what my son said 'I don't care'. Kuch chije hum control nahi kar sakate.

                      Aur mere mom dad uske saath khelte hai uska khayal rakhte hai pyaarse to vo unse baat karta hai. Aur bachhon ko marna muze bilkul pasand nahi hai there are many other ways to explain them aur mera ladka samajhta bhi hai.

Lekin I know he will become strong jaise jaise bada hoga. And I know when he will grow up he will be a good human being and everyone around him will like him. I am also lucky that I got such a sweet child. He is loveable. Aur Sachpreet ye duniya sabkuch sikha deti hai.   

Keep smiling.....

 

 

aanchal 2011-03-18 09:22:30

 

poonam: you are absolutely right..bachcho ko pyaar do toh hi wo pyaar dete hain..its so heartwarming to see you having such rocksolid faith in your child's capabilities..dont ever lose it :)

 

sachpreet 2011-03-18 12:40:22

 

Hi Poonam

First of all don't think so much abt meri mom-in-law aisa kiya tha ya usne aisa kiya tha.Don't go deeply in past.Only think what you can do now for your child.Whenever i get emotional on something I think i'm a mother.If i'm like this what can i expect from my child.Our children are our best teachers.First of all we should change the things in ourselves.Throughout life we learn many things.In certain areas we are perfect, in some we are improving.Child will also learn many things in society.We need to make tough ourselves.We are also soft,docile & sincere.But we worried about our kids.When we are leading our life happily.They will also.Situations,experiences change a human-being.They will also learn from situations,experiences.

 

 

sachpreet 2011-03-18 13:04:47

 

Hi Aanchal

You are right.There are two issues.I want to talk about 2nd issue.There may be two reasons.

1.According to me,some fears are in-born also.Because when my son was getting scared from pressure cooker's whistle.He was in my lap.I think he will be around 4-5 months old.No body instill that fear in him.That time i think i will remove his fear.Now he don't get scared & laugh when cooker's whistle blows.

2. The fault is in our media,news channels to some extent.There is not issue-based journalism nowdays.Their presentation style creates panic amongpeople.Every news channel wants to remain ahead of other.Sabse Tez,Ye news hamne sabse pehle di hai.When there was serial bomb-blasts in Delhi's markets.one channel showed blood on earth,sleepers scattered here & there.This is not allowed.When we read newspaper in morning.There will be more news of murder,rape,accident..A normal human being get scared from these things.You can imagine its effect on children.I think Poonam should divert his son's mind to cartoon channels,songs,good movies.Your suggestions will be appreciated.

 

 

 

aanchal 2011-03-18 14:32:12

 

when a child is small, any sudden noise frightens him..it is with experience that he learns which noises are dangerous and which are okay ones. all kids are scared of pressure cooker especially in their first year..some cry to show their fear, some just pop their eyes out. in fact, absence of any type of fear is rather unhealthy.

with time, these fearful responses to everyday things fade and kids learn what to really fear. this learning continues for many years to come.

i understand the role of media in instilling many fears in us, but there is hardly anything we can do about it..we can only manage our responses.

 

 

Poonamtp 2011-03-19 03:12:14

 

Hi Sachpreet and Aanchal ( read this and I want your opinion on it wathcing TV),

Dear I wrote these posts to tell you that many childrens are emotional not only yours so don't worry. I don't have any issues regarding my son he don't fear of anything. I am in United states and don't hv Indian news channels here. I know how the channels are in India flashing the same news whole day. Even I myself never watch those stupid channels. My son's teacher explained their class what happened in Japan because here California also comes in earthquake zone. And my son wanted to know in detail what situation occurs when earthquake happens or what is tsunami mom So I showed him the news to understand what happened. He is 6 yrs old not too small  but as he is emotional he don't like to watch such things. 

 I do not watch TV  and not my son too. I sometimes watch only share market and business channel and interviews of big personalities. And my son likes to watch only Discovery channel. I just watch news headlines thats it. I never watch any Sas bahu serials. I only like to watch Jhansi ki rani. TV is rarely on at my home. Only my hubby sometimes watch when he come from office. 

You are getting me wrong. Watching TV is good or bad that is another debate issue. For me TV is a 'Idiot' box who makes us lazy thats it. Only some programs are useful. I prefer reading and listening good music.

Keep Smiling......  

 

sachpreet 2011-03-19 11:29:25

 

Hi

It's good to know that you don't have issues regarding his fear.Actually i started discussion with heavy heart .But as  members give suggestions i become so light heart that my problem get solved.www.parentree.com is really useful website specially for mothers.Watching TV is not bad but excess of everything is bad.My kid start taking Bournvita after watching ad of bournvita.

 

sachpreet 2011-03-27 21:19:15

 

Hi all

I need inputs on this.Pls. suggest. I have a close friend. Her son (8 year old)is very hyperactive kid.When he comes to my home he drives my child's scooty,car like a motor,very fast.He comes like a storm.Even he hits those in wall,on fridge.Due to this my son's toys break.We both feel amazed like what happened.From the very start he is like this.The problem is from the past two year he is having frequent seizures.I understand her problem what they husband & wife going through.I am really sympathatic with her.These things can happen with anyone.For the one year he was on steroids.But they are taking ayurvedic medicine.Luckily things are in control now.He has become very angry & dominate my child.Twice he hit my child & i said nothing due to good relation with her mother.One day i said to her politely i cannot see this.You should do something.She says to his son & make him understand.Even one day i told to him also that i won't come to your place if you get angry on my son.He is like your younger brother & you should take care of him.But no use.Still he starts shouting on my kid whenever meets.My kid start showing anger sometimes.But many times my child get scared.But Still my child wants to go at his place.Nowadays i'm feeling even my friend is also not understanding.One day he threw a metal object in the air.It hurt my son on head.Thank God no serious injury happened.She often share with me that other kids in park avoid my child.He remains happy with your child.What should i do? According to roses i should not expose him to unruly & rough kids.Of coure i don't want his influence & i can not see innocent,scary face of my child.I don't want to avoid her.Because i'm not of this type.But now i'm trying to create space inbetween us. How i make her understand or i should not say anything to her.let things go as it is.& in the last how can change nick name over this site.Becoz i have refered this site already to her also.

 

aanchal 2011-03-28 11:26:28

 

sachpreet...you are in a very difficult situation..when kids face problems, its difficult for moms to continue good friendship!

i will put the whole thing this way..if she is a good friend of yours, she will understand your reactions when your kid gets hurt..if she is least bothered, she is not a good friend in the first place.

if her son were getting hurt because of other kid's hyperactive and aggressive behavior, i am sure she would  react too..as a mother, you need to protect your kid over your friendship..try and talk to her about how you feel..if she is close enough, she will understand..if she doesnt understand, she is not close enough and not worth scaring your kid like this. other kids in the park dont play with that kid..but since you are not putting your foot down, she is (out of her own frustrations and problems) using your space to let her son lose.

you dont have to wait for a serious injury to take some step..i am not suggesting you to break your friendship immediately, but you still need to talk and see how things shape up after that.

there is another problem of having an aggressive kid who breaks your son's  toys..when your kid sees you keeping quiet over other kid's aggressiveness, he will find it unfair if you scold him for breaking a toy later..disciplining gets difficult after a while.

 


sachpreet 2011-03-28 19:32:14

 

Hello

Thanks for your input.I talked to her once few months back. about this.She said ya i understand your concern.When her son hit my son she intervened also & gavechocolate to him.she asked him not to do like that.She told me that doctor has asked me not to scold too much as he is an epileptic child.She is having a another friend whose son do the same thing with him.She don't go to her place.She always says my son wants to play with your son.As he is alone he feels lonely.One day when my son complained to me that metal object hurt me on my head.As earlier he was small.Now he is around 4 & he can say & express.first time i called her & talked politely to the kid that  you should not do like this.Before that i never said anything.After that her behaviour changed a bit not in positive sense.Frankly speaking i started avoiding her. Still she comes i cannot say anybody not to come.The reason she gives that he is taking so many medicines.His behaviour is changed.But his hyperactivity is by birth. I know i should talk to her about this.But i'm finding myself in difficult situation.But why my son enjoys his company.I think both kids are poles apart in nature.But my communication with her mother won't change the child.

 

 

sachpreet 2011-04-01 20:24:20

 

Hi Aanchal as suggested by you i should talk her.You understand mother's psychology  more than child  because in all the cases mother remains worried.I talked her but her response was very bad.According to her, breaking toys,hitting these things children do.When he threw metal object in air,i talked to him first time in two years very politely that we won't come to your placei if you will do like this.According to his mother i created fear in his child's mind. But she is not aware about the fact that what his child is creating in my child's mind.For the two years i was sympathetic only with that child as he was on medication.Who was thinking about my child.Have i done much harm to my child.She did not understand anything & started  fighting.Still due to my soft heart i remained cool mind with her.As my child is thin looking he falls in category one given by you.We often give fear of injection if he won't eat.Is this OK ? I don't know why mothers cannot listen about their kids.Some mothers always think what our child is doing right & if same thing other child do with him is wrong.That is also a issue.This incidence was an eye opener for me.How can i remove this fear of him.When somebody hits him or dominates he get scared.Even if he wants to pick something from floor in the presence of part time maid.He get scared from maid also.Otherwise he  is full of confidence & good in studies.

 

aanchal 2011-04-01 21:24:28

 

i am sorry that you had to go through all that with your friend, sachpreet..some mothers are very stubborn when it comes to their kids. they cant hear anything that goes against the kids. they feel they are defending the kids, but they dont realize that this is not right and is very detromental to the kid in the long run.

coming back to your kid..he has been a non-violent kid for a long time now..he doesnt mind being dominated and thats why he felt ok  playing with that violent and dominating kid..if you have now decided to stop mingling with that kid, let your son know clearly why you decided so. he shouldnt fantasize that he did something terrible, coz of which the other kid doesnt come to play.(kids feel guilty when they lose something or someone and blame themselves for the loss)..since your son is already under many negative thoughts and lots of self-doubts, this loss of friendship shouldnt add to his problems.

use role-play with him..you be a small submissive child and let him be a dominating child..or you be a thief and he be a policeman..once you start, you will get many more ideas..this kind of play will give him ideas and confidence to play at the same level as other kids, instead of getting dominated.

no matter how much it makes the matters easy, do not scare the child..if he is thin, let it be..as long as he is energetic, how does it matter..do not scare him about injections..it will just increase his doubts in others and self..show your confidence in his physical strength..get him into martial art classes, play football with him..if he falls or gets hurt, neither dismiss nor over-kiss the wound..kids love to hear "yes, that must have hurt..lets see if you want to continue playing"..they take it as a challenge, but without any pressure to perform..these things will give your son the lacking self-confidence in his own body.

and last, but perhaps not the least..do not worry too much about his tendency to get dominated..he will find it difficult to come out of the tag once he feels labelled..also, sachpreet, kids learn a lot of their behavior from their parents..you dont seem to be a dominating person either (why, you almost let your friend dominate the situation for more than 2 years)..your son could be learning passivity and tolerance from you too..coach him how he needs to put his foot down when the situation is unfair..do not teach too much about being good and fair..it will make him more passive.

 

sachpreet 2011-04-03 22:50:52

 

Hi Aanchal Thank you so much for your prompt reply.Can you suggest something for mothers also who are not dominating.I saw in many posts mothers consider herself responsible for their children's non-violent or soft  behaviour.How mothers can change their behaviour.According to me it doesn't necessary to be dominating.I know where i should go & where i shouldn't.The people who try to dominate me,I ignore them.I don't dominate them in return.Because it's not in my nature.But i had to suffer sometimes in my student life due to my nature.I don't want my child to suffer.

 

aanchal 2011-04-04 10:49:34

 

dominating is different from putting your foot down..if you find it difficult to dominate others, find out a way to be assertive. being assertive means being polite yet firm. it doesnt mean being defiant.. there is no other way you can teach your son to be assertive..kids learn best by observing their parents.

i have written this article on submissivenes..you might find it useful

http://completewellbeing.com/article/no-means-no/

 

sachpreet 2011-04-04 20:54:44

 

Thanks Aanchal  Nice article.

 

 

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