Very Upset! Please help!

36 replies, Page 1

NJ 2010-06-24 19:44:38


Today my uncle who is a ped broke the news to me that my son who is 22 months old has early stage autism. Today we had taken him for an assessment. The speech therapist said that his speech is developed to the extent of only an 8 month old. He still only babbles a lot. Me and my husbands hopes are dashed. I just dont know what to do.... My family keeps saying that its because I was not spending enough time with him during his developing years as I was working. But my mother in law is at home and she speaks to him. We had 2 servants. They speak to him also. I am so shocked to hear autism being my sons illness. I am at a loss to know  what is the reason. Is it because I bore him when I turned 30, or it was because of all the medications I had due to complications in pregnancy or whether it was really because as my relatives are saying due to my working and therefore spending lesser time with him. I'm really very worried about his future. This really scares me... I am so shocked at hearing autism. My son is very social. He likes being held. He plays with us and others. I thought autism was only social impairment. Can someone be autistic and be social also?. or is it that some autistic infants are initially sociable and then they grow withdrawn. Please let me know what to do?. Is there a chance that he can grow like a normal kid and go to a normal school. I'm ready to do anything for this..

Madhuu 2010-06-24 20:06:45


NJ - Please visit I hope you are in Pune and hence suggesting it. Please take your child there and get him assessed. I read in article it can be cured if detected early. Normally before 6 years of age. Have faith.


aanchal 2010-06-24 20:24:28


dear Navina, autism is a very scary word. i can understand the fright in you right now. i would suggest you to go for another assessment by a child psychologist at some estgablished centre/ hospital.

sometimes due to psychological trauma or poor parenting, a child may show symptoms similar to autism. in such cases, psychoanalytic play therapy helps a lot. but if the reasons are neurological, psychotherapy doesnt help much. in such a case, occupational therapy and vocational training are the available options.

there are many centres working with and for kids with autism. i am sure you will find a good one in pune. ask your speech therapist about PECS and learn from her/him how to use it with yr son.

best wishes and lots of support from all of us here on parentree :)


PD 2010-06-24 21:34:57


Dear NJ


I understand how traumatic this must be for you........but don't worry......there is a lot that can be done whatever difficulties he may have. Have belief and faith in yourself. Feeling guilty is a very normal reaction, but don't beat yourself up with this emotion just because people around you say so many different things. After all, you are his mother and have always and will always wish the best for your kid and do it for him. Try not to harp on the past and what you could have or should have done. It is difficult I understand, but that is the only way to move on.

Labels are very easy to create and pin on young kids. But children and what goes on inside our bodies and brain are not that easy to understand. A lot of behaviours may mimic autism - even a language delay can mimic autism initially when the kid is very little, so don't go by labels. Let's not label kids, let's label only jars! Kids are kids with their own unique strengths and needs. What we need to do is to create an environment where they get what they need or want for their overall development.

It would help to go to a professional - I would recommend a special educator as he / she would look at what the child needs holistically rather than just medical or other "treatment". There are a lot of people on Parentree too who can give you a lot of advice and iinputs. But we may need a lot more information as we won't be able to actually observe or see the child. We can definitely give you the basics and put you on track.

Don't lose heart .......just look at him as a child with his own set of strengths and needs and do keep talking to someone you vibe with. that will help a lot.




 Former member 2010-06-24 22:02:36


Hi NJ,

Please, please donot let everyones remarks upset u. Right now you need to first take a second opinion on your childs condition. Do not feel guilty, no mother can ever dream of  harming her child. I am sure allz gonna b well. Just remain positive and immediately take advice of a professional who will guide u to take the best possible course of action.  Take care.



darkinspiration 2010-06-25 08:19:05


 Hi NJ,

Don't let the comments affect u. have faith. everything will turn alright. each child is perfect in his/her own way. majority of mothers r working nowadays and spends less time with their children. its a necessity nowadays to have both partners working and so u can't blame urself for that.


Think of the positive things.





AartiR 2010-06-25 09:34:37


hi NJ,

    I understand what u are going thru but Plz plz don't blame yourself, don't balme yourself for working or having kid late. Just get menatlly strong and Take situation in CONTROL. if you are not strong and Happy your kid would suffer unknowingly. These days there are many research materials available, study them and prepare yourself for your future.

Feeling guilty is just something that you shoudl not be doing at all. I am a working mother of 2 and there are many more workign mothers in this world.

be Positive and give your best.



hiradhu 2010-06-25 09:44:34


 Hi NJ,  I very well understand in what kind of mental state you are.

My sister has 19yr old autistic child. I have seen him from 3yrs and trust me he has dramatically improved. He can do so many things on his own. He is a basket ball player, swimmer, he plays piano, watches 3hr movie. Except the social interaction with new ppl he is very normal child. 

But we know the hardwork behind all his success. Initially it was very scary, but he is your child and you can definitely help him thro' it.

Best wishes and all our support are with you.




mickey 2010-06-25 09:46:33


Hi NJ,

Please don't get disturbed by all the remarks and by comments from people around you. Its but natural to blame a working mother always. I am sure it's not because of poor parenting , neglect or age as u already had someone very close to look after him for a while. I too have deilvered  my second child in thirties. At times , some medications do cause mild symptoms which can be overcome by some therapy or cure. As Aanchal and PD  have suggested , you need to take a second opinion and go by what they have told .

My neighbour's son has started to speak only after he crossed 3.5 yrs. He was very slow but very social . Now  I am amazed to see him in a normal school in class 1. He has picked up quite a lot only with his mother's support and guidance.
I know what u must be going through, but please don't get upset as it can cured  if treated early.

Take care,




 Former member 2010-06-25 10:04:27


Hi NJ,  I can understand how difficult it must be for you at this moment. But do not get disturbed yourself and also don't blame you.  If you are disturbed then your kid will feel this. You will have to be strong and find good doctors and treatement center.

Please go thru' link where you can find some info.

We all are with you.

Take care



 Former member 2010-06-25 11:05:44



 Its very common whn something is wrong with kid,usually people try to blame mother.Dear dont bother about all those things...with support of ur husband,inlaws take care of ur kid...I dont knw much about thing.But B positive and go through remeadial actions through r friends on parentree....We all r with u .Believe in god everything will get perfectly fine...

Take care



Saraswathibhat 2010-06-25 16:53:28


 Dear NJ,

I've definitely got any medical background but I am just writing here to tell you not to blame yourself. It definitely is not because of you and don't take it too harsh on yourself.

Some kids naturally speak slower and so don't go blindly by that. Did you go for second opinion?

Our prayers are definitely with you and am sure you will be able to get our the hurdle and things will fall in place !!

Do let me know if I could be of any help.



RoshMom 2010-06-25 20:31:34


Dear NJ.

There is no known reason for a child being autistic. So please don't blame your self.  As most of them have suggested, go for the second opinion. Moreover Autism is treatable and the child can lead a happy life. I have heard that if diagonised before the age of 3 and with early intervention, a lot of progress can be attained.  Please go thro some the links below. hope this would help to know more abt autism.

This is the time you have to be strong and give most of your time, effort and love to your child as he is the same beautiful child as he was before they said he is autistic. All the best



roses 2010-06-26 03:42:57


Hi NJ,

Please do not beat yourself up about this. 'Autism' these days is a very loosely used term and often used to categorise children who almost a decade or two ago would've been considered normal in every term ! As others have suggested, more so Aanchal, it could be environmental or neurological.

Either way, there are ways to support and assist this area of development. There are several mother's blogs which I have been through with kids who had similar pattern of slower development and who are now excelling on every front ! I will be happy to provide links to these blogs (that will give you immense confidence and support), loop you with parents (and professionals) here in the US who went through similar challenges who can provide you with more insight and direction if you need. I hope and pray that everything will pan out well for you. Take Care and be strong!  



NJ 2010-06-29 13:24:54


Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words.

We have got a second opinion from a therapist at Ramchandra hospital at Chennai as we are in Chennai for the last 3 months.The therapist said - as of now she will only say that he has a speech and language developmental delay and will start the intervention programme as whatever be the diagnosis the intervention programme will be the same. She feels that everything should fall in place once his speech is established and the parents need to spend more activities together with the child. She said its best that I take a sabbatical, and for whatever reason if I cannot , then atleast come home by 6 PM. She also said that she would suggest modifications to the lifestyle and routing. We are starting therapy this Friday. She said that if required after a month or 2 she will suggest to go for a psychological or OT evaluation only if required. Please pray all, that things should work.


How is your sisters child now. Is he attending regular school. Is he able to cope with the studies in school. Does he have friends at school? does he get shunned by many people at school? If someone who does not know about his past, see him now, do they think that something is not normal with him?


Please send me those links.





AartiR 2010-06-29 13:37:51


Hi NJ,

   Don't worry everything shall be fine, taking a career break is a very good idea, just go thru the therapy and everything shall be back on track.

Be optimistic and honestly just ENJOY this break time that you would get with your CHILD, for household chores keep a maid for taking care of it!


Take care


aanchal 2010-06-29 14:32:18


dear NJ, u found a good therapist. she suggested you the right track without giving any labels. now all you have to do is leave behind all the anxieties and tensions..and start afresh..all the best!!


roses 2010-06-30 09:45:19


Dear NJ,


Good to hear that so far it is just a developmental delay. I am confident that with due diligence everything will turn out fine in a short span of couple of years.

The key to it is that you have think positive!! You should in no way consider your child any lacking and devote as much time to him coming through fine.

Our neighbor's child is autistic with speech complications and we looped her with a speech therapist. None of the kids in the neighborhood treat her any different and she roughs out with them and plays with them just like any other child does (she is 8yrs old). We would not have known had her mother not told us.

I am sending you a separate e-mail in your mailbox for links and looping you in.

Do holler if you need more help. Take care.




hiradhu 2010-06-30 11:13:49


 Hi NJ, Good to see the progress.. My humble request to you will be to keep yourself calm and positive.. Everything will be alright. 

At this point let me not talk abt Autism as such... Hope you understand.



dals 2010-06-30 15:49:28


i think u should work since u have a good support is not only kids.we have to live for our dreams cheer up&move ahead.


dals 2010-06-30 15:59:21



first do not loose heart.early detection is good.thank god u found it early.i know it hurts but think of moving ahead.there are special institutions which teach u how to handle the child,what to do browse on net.none teaches us how to be cool now.if ur scared,worried,frustated pour it out.then cool downget help from thses institutions.things will work out .believe &have faith.


roses 2010-07-01 03:55:12



I've just sent you an e-mail with one contact who had a similar situation as yours and another whose situation is rather tough given that both her sons have been diagnosed as 'challenged'. Plus the links which will give you more insight and help you stay calm.

It is events like these that help you put things in perspective and as Hiradhu mentions stay positive. Trust me the child learns most when he has the protective blanket of his/her parents. Understandably you all have moved in India and you do need a support structure and to build the physical network for your little one, especially in a situation like this, it becomes critical that you two be around for him. All else takes a back seat. Just my thoughts. You can always catch up later but these are formative years for him.

I wish you the very best !


 Former member 2010-07-06 17:29:20


Hi Friends,

Please check this link.

 NJ, i hope this is of some help to you.



shel 2010-07-10 19:07:47



First thing I want to say is that Autistic is a very careless labelling of a child.

Any professional who works with these children knows -it's AUTISTIC SPECTRUM DISORDER. This literally means its a spectrum from mild to severe.each child is different .Also diagnosis needs second opinion.

with proper therapy these children do well.

As regarding why he got it -ITS DEFINITELY NOT YOU!!

Research is going on -blaming MMR vaccine to genes.

Environment does matter but you have mother in law & 2 servents -this child does not have social/environmental deprivation.

As an ENT Surgeon, I am involved with work up of children with speech delay & am happy to help if any further info or professional help needed.I have good collegues in my team in Bangalore who help in these diagnosis.

Take care



manju2madhu 2010-07-11 07:39:46


Hi! NJ

First It is not your fault. Get that point strongly on your mind. Second , you being upset and guilty will affect your child. Just because your child is not talking cannot make him an autistic child. As all others said, take second or even third opinion. As you say that your child is social and friendly, the chances are pretty less of him being autistic. Just relax, pray and this phase of saddness will end soon.

All the best , take care



MumOfOne 2012-07-31 23:06:01



I came across this entry only today. Just wanted to ask how things are with you and your child now? I have an almost 3yr old with a mild form of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I was also shaken up when I realised this. Went through the same phase of self doubt, self blame. Family members saying it was because we are a nuclear family and noone's around the child to talk to him etc.

It took us some months to find a good speech therapist and occupational therapist. But the best thing for me was the fact that the doctor didn't label my child after she assessed him. I think that made the biggest difference. It is still early days for us but I am hoping things turn out ok and my child is able to lead as close to a normal life as he can get. 

I will really appreciate it if you could get back to me about your experiences. 

Thank you and take care.


arsi 2012-08-01 16:43:47



just joined the forum.

i have no idea about autism . bt i want to share my experiance with u.

till age 3 he used to talk by sign language only and sometime talk in some alien 

langauge hard to understand.

my 4 y son start 2-4 word sentance at the age of 36mnth.

now at 4 he  speak normally, understand every thing.

u have to keep patiance and faith in god.

pl'z take second opinion . give lots of time to ur son.



Tabs 2012-08-03 13:48:44


OK EVERYONE JUST STOP!! I am no expert, but I do know one thing that it is virtually impossible to diagnose Autism at that age - unless his symptoms are extreme.. You say yous on is sociable and commincate,  which makes me think that there are other things at play here.  In the UK and elsewhere, you have to have assessed a chld for a long period before making this diagnosis, and although it may turn out to bethe case, many children present on what they call the "autistic spectrum" with a varity of high a low function conditions.

Child development is not set in stone. Children develop at different times within a pretty large time frame, so for example, if a child isnt walking by 2 there may be a problem, but if that child was premature, then development can be slower. I have experience of pre school children of 2yrs who presnted with very particular behaviours, that could easily have been thought to be autism but were not.

I have a friend who does have an autistc child and he now enjoys a happy family liffe.

You do need to look at other factors - your in laws and family are NOT helping by blaming you! If a mother experiences extreme traume during pregnancy, around week 19, this has been shown to  possibly lead to some issues - you can look this up.  I would check his diet and and make sure he is not having additives and that he is sleeping properly for the right amount of time.  Encourage motor skills and if he is delayed in speaking look at control issues- might be too many people in his life and he is puttinghis foot down!I  I had a friend who's son refused to eat for almost a year becuase it was the one thing he could control.. she was doing too much fr him.  The pont is Autism is a huge thing to label anyone with with no back up... and its becoming too easy to label.  Have a look on theAutism UK website and I am sure they will answer any questions  - but please dont beat yourself up.. Good Luck  xx Tabs


NJ 2012-08-03 17:49:59



Yes my son was deprived of sleep coz he was colicky upto age of 2 and was crying for hours together and used to get sleep only for about an hour a day. They say its ok for newborns to cry a lot and lot of crying does not affect them. But IMO newborns should get sleep for atleast 20 hours and if they have too less of sleep, that definitely affects their development. Also I was very tensed through out my pregnancy as mine was assisted pregnancy and first was a miscarriage, also I had undergone cervical cerclage at about 5 months. I firmly believe the meds are also to blame to some extent, but definitely they were necessary to save the pregnancy..

We found out he had milk allergy and eversince we stopped that sometime a little less than he turned 2, he started sleeping like a baby.

And another culprit is junk food like another parent mentioned here. Many parents give their kids pizza , milkshakes, biscuits, cakes etc, and the artificial additives, sugar, msg in these things trigger behavioral problems in children that mimic autism, adhd and any of the other behaviors on the spectrum.


NJ 2012-08-03 17:51:06


MumofOne, My kid is doing fine now. Just turned 4 and is out of the diagnosis. I hope the very best for your kid. Let me know if you need any information.


Tabs 2012-08-04 12:56:33


 tHanks for replyng Nj, I am glad to see you have lots of positive support from the blog!  And I am very glad to hear your news. mY boys are 5 and 7 and sleep was never a word my eldest understood, and he also had the usual problems around colic and digestion froma bout week six and both boys were weaned to goats milk from breat milk. I glad you are aware of the problem of additives and possible links.  in India I am finding it very challenging to find food that my boys will eat that isn't giving the more sugar salt and chemicals!  I would stop beating yourself up about your meds, it probably wasn't that anyway, it could be stress receptor uptake in the womb being compromised when you were stressed.  These things happen and the great thing is you have been aware enough to spot potential problems and now things will improve.  I know it's a cliche but the do grow so quickly and even though staying home looking after him will drive you nuts! It is worth it, just try and find the balance.  

Here I think the added problem is having the right kind of attention. You can't keep them with you and engage with the, in play all the time, they need to be along side you and learn to be independent. Aia used to find that from age two they are very keen to help mummy round the house and if you let them they will load the washing e, tidy up even dust! It's great fun to keep them active, using their motor skills and spending time with their career.  best of luc to you all keep us posted. Love TAbs



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