Desperately need help

12 replies, Page 1

Angela2013 2013-02-06 15:27:21

 

I am a mother of a 20 month baby. I live with my in-laws who are overbearing and unbearable. They dont actually help me in taking care of my kid. They wont even hold her for 5 min. However, they want a say in everything, more so when my kid is unwell. They have their own old fashion ways and tehy want me to follow that, even if it goes against what the doc says (example....during a fever, they want ne to cover my kid in layers while modern science and docs say to dress the kid lightly), They dont want me to feed the kid normal dal rice which the doc says is ok and I too feel is light and easy to digest. I am at my wits end and end up screaming at my kid.....I dont know whom to remove my frustratiuon on. What should I do? How do I make them understand that the doc knows best? My hubby struggles to keep both sides happy and is caught between the devil and deep sea so to say....


praxy 2013-02-06 15:48:32

 

Most of d ladies goes thru d same situation as far as conflicts occurs abt rasing kids s concern.. u can rd words of many ladies like u in many topics saying same thing in forums comes under "personal-relationship" in this website.. i can understand very well wat u go thru...

my suggestion s, as far as kid's health n methods 4 kid s concern, like u told follow doc's advise, feeding wat n wat not,  BE FIRM ON YR STAND, U DO WAT U WANT TO DO

BUT IN polite n strong manner...use good words..give doctors name...

and importantly create harmony with them in rest of the matters other than kid... try to make them at ur side by pleasing or any means and make them believe u..and if tat dsnt work, dont worry... obey them but in other matters..as far as kids s concern, u definately do wat u want to do but dont ignore f they give some really worth n useful suggestions... smtimes their adivces might b ture..

its all about generation gap...oldies had different style n v ve dfrnt style to raise d kids..f our own parents also v'll ve conflict but v can do wat v want to do f its our own parents..tat dsnt work wid in-laws.... make ur behaviour as if they understand "she s not going to listen f its matter of baby" and dont worry 4 it wat they think..(some ppl wud not agree with my such advise it looks harsh n rude but f nothing works v ve to do so,it all dpnds on situations) and don forget they too love their grand child but our approach s dfnrt towards child

 

 

Rubu 2013-02-06 16:00:19

 

Hi Angela,

Best solution: go back to work. make sure no matter what you always have your kids full time maid.

You would get your own space and time that way and what time you have you would be able to cherish that time with your daughter.

Understand this, you are in a battle to prove your in laws wrong.. u will never win... only get frustrated.

If you child gets sick, visit the doctor along with your MIL. so that she knows the doctors opinion too.

The negative vibe can change if you are willing to accept her for what  she is. It will bring you loads of pain initially but eventually you will find your peace.

I changed my attitude towards my MIL and I found that I really like her a lot... Now what she says doesnt hurt me anymore in the same way. I enter my house with prayers that to help me have patience and help me understand her.... That means listening to her.. Try implementing what she is saying, respect few things that she says cause of her age, and if we wanna differ, just keep our mouth SHUT.

I encourage her to talk more, so that she is more comfortable, involve her, praise her, buy her gifts.. I dont care if my husband knows or doesnt know abt it... I think with time I've developed immense patience towards her....

Its how we take critism... I had these kind of battles long back where each day would feel like its dragging on and on... Not anymore....Now when she is around, each day flies cause I talk a lot with her, take care of her, and fatigue myself to the point that all I can thnk when I lie  down on bed is to sleep.

 

Rubu.

 

Angela2013 2013-02-06 16:15:14

 

Hi Rubu..thanks for yr help. Going back to work isn't possible as the maid (and she too is leaving due to some household issues) whcih is giving me more stress and tension) is here only for few hours and also my inlaws dont actively participate or speak to my kid...so if I go to work my kid will be in the sole care of the maid and no one else. As of now, even I take her out in the evenings, speak to her during the day etc.

 

 


vandanav 2013-02-06 22:24:25

 

Hi Angela,

Expectations always lead to disappointment Angela.....for a change let ur in-laws know that u are capable of taking care of ur kid and not dependent on them.

AND YET,................ befriend ur MIL.....like Rubu said. If the situation ur in, cannot change ....then its better to change urself a lil, ultimately it will bring good to u only.

Fathom the reason y ur in-laws refrain from taking their grandchild in their arms...or spending time with the grandchild. Unknowingly, ur ways of caring for ur kid or deciding wots good for him....may be isnt going down well with them. Hence, they must be keeping themselves away from ur kid.

Dont let any of this impact ur kid....in any ways...be it u taking out ur frustration on him.

 

 

 

Anthi 2013-02-06 23:23:25

 

 Hi Angela,

I think praxy, rubu and vandana hv answered to your points already.

Just want to add one more, don't expect anything to change overnight. Always remember it will take years to change the scene at your home. Jsut make sure your husband understands your points when you are ASSERTIVE when dealing with your in-laws. Else it will be even more frustrating for you.

My prayers for your issues to get solved soon.

 

 

 

behappy 2013-02-07 12:26:37

 

Hi Angels.

Lots of advices will peep in.....but all said and done.....most important thing is we have to bend and change for betternment of ourselves our kid and last but not the least ...the parents the whole family....not making it long....few points to start....

just ask ur mil to change the kid's evening dress...just say momma can u please change him/her...while i prepare for the milk /food...and when she dresses up....just priase the kid ...so kid will go to her often...

i differ in the view stated here.....i used the other way technique......i used to make my mil feel that i cant handle my kid without her....so they feel their importance at home....just dont treat them like extra family members sitting only for two time meals!!! give them importance ,,,and that way u can smartly reduce ur working time also...u get time to rest.....

and when u take out the kid for evening walk/play ask her to come...if she says no...switch on their favourite tv channel....

once u r in this mood na...ideas will peep up in ur mind automatically just think positive and treat her like ur mom....

i used these techniques a lot.....for afternoon nap i always asked my mil to make my son sleep...she used to sing softly...remember they have more patience than us...and i by the time wrapped up the kitchen etc....and then we all used to sleep till the baby sleeps!!! full 2 hour rest!!!

and then when my son grew up.....he used to sleep only with me ...though my mil used to call him so many times.....at nights.....

now he is 3 ...and he sleeps only with his grandparents though we call him so many times.....we make him play on mobile ...switch on laptop etc...but as we switch off lites...he simply saya dadu dadi pass jaana hain!!!

this really makes me feel wonderful...!!!! kid is so happy receiving love from all family members......

 

 

Angela2013 2013-02-07 13:36:17

 

Hi Behappy

 

Your advice makes perfect sense but my in-laws aren't that kind to help. I remember few weeks back when my daughter was vomitting, she was sitting on my lap and throwing up, my MIL was sitting on the opposite sofa and didnt bulge frrom there or eveb react...she continued to read teh paper as if nothing has happend...sometimes, jokingly my husband tells his parents...we will make our daughter sleep in your room so we get a good nights rest and they flatly refuse saying "NO NO...pls spare us..."

All they want is to give gyan, they will not lift a finger to do anything else. Till date, they have never read a book to my daughetr or played with her (I agree they are old and cannot  carry her but surely they can sit with her and read a book???)

 

 


Neethi 2013-02-07 13:41:12

 

Rubu...I just want to salute u for ur never to die spirit.. u have tackled situations in a v mature way......hats off to ur patience and determination...........

 

Rubu 2013-02-07 16:36:06

 

Understand this, when you have to live in a situation anyway.. Live in harmony... Few things we have to let go...

This is the same strategy I used to help my maid bond with my kids. I m a mother of 3 small kids. When I started working, I just pushed my daughter towards my maid. It hurt but i knew it wud be helpful in the long run...

My daughter bonded so well with the maid.. Today I go to office with just a bye bye from them, come back soon etc.. but my maid leaves with hugs and kisses and so much love messages from my children.. Does it make me jealous? NO i m very happy that they have bonded well...My maid is adores my children. She disciplines them where needed, takes better care of them than I can.

Same is with my mother in law. I let her handle them. There was a time when I used to intervene so much. It just messed up the whole house... Just leave them, give them the importance and believe me you would feel u are blessed.

 

Rubu 2013-02-07 16:46:03

 

Hire a new maid, if one goes another one comes. if you treat your maid well and pay her well then they all like to stay..

At home, my maid is my mini boss. I listen to her and she listens to me. She helps me and I help her too...

2 years back she was a stranger to me. I was to join working, no maid at hand, 3 small kids.. the youngest was just 18 month, just weaned fm bf.

I had said that I wud join in 10 days. I got my job and rest my determination helped me find my maid...

My maid is a tough nut

 

rthi 2013-02-07 18:28:43

 

Hi Rubu,

   you are great. :)

 

praxy 2013-02-07 19:46:33

 

@beHappy : i do agree wid all d techniques u used and wid god grace it worked in positve manner..i do agree, child growing up in nuclear family s most disadvantageous who gets love only of parents and not many ppl..every child does deserve love of grandparents and many more family member n so v indeed treat them as our own parents...i m lucky my in-laws r good and co-operative..few things r there which i handle in +ve manner but

i ve seen some of my friends whose in-laws doesnt come into tat catagory .but yeah patience,love n smart thinking can help solving things..as she says, child in fever sudnt b covered much wid cloths..such things v nd to convince them n keep our stand firm...and many such things i do ve faced tat v really cant follow wat they say...but there requires overall good raport and bondage wid in-laws... my m-i-l insist on feeding smthing on other every half n hr..when i know my chld s not going to ve tat as he wudnt b hungry, i cant convince my m-i-l but i do understand her love 4 my child i don take stress...this s small example.there r few ristrictions which i don belive or few advsies i don believe what she instruct 4 child, at ttime u really nd to keep calm n keep balance..

rubu s posts r asual full of maturity...yes handling made s 1 more art u nd to learn...

good luck to angela...

 

 

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