Need help/advice to put my past behind.

7 replies, Page 1

Parent10 2011-05-24 12:24:52

 

Hi All,

  I have been a regular reader of this forum and have benefitted immensely form the information shared by the members of this site, so though I was not a very active member in writing but I know many of the regular writers here like my bosom friends…I m talking abt people like Mickey, Roses, Roshmom, PD, Aanchal etc. Most of the times I have been able to find a solution to my issues by just listening ur advices to other people, but this time, I have come with a problem of my own. I had earlier voiced my opinion abt a year back but now I need ur advice.

I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old son. Initial 3 years of my marriage were blissful. I shared a god rapport with my inlaws as well.  However, when my younger BIL got married 3 years ago, situation started to change. My SIL and BIL came to stay with us on our house since he  changed his job to shift to our city and we to were more than happy to accommodate them with us. But within a couple of months, I started to feel the change in behavior of my in-laws towards me. They were staying in another city at that time.

I had been working at a good position both before and after my marriage but took a break when I had my son as I wanted to give my complete time to him. I used to stay at home, look after my son, and manage the whole household. We had a maid who used to come and clean but the cooking etc. and all other activities were done by me. I was putting in all my efforts, slogging day and night to keep everyone happy and at the same time take care of my son as well. However, things soon started to turn very bad as my SIL managed to create a very negative image of me in front of my in-laws. She created a picture where in she was doing all the work, managing everything and I was not doing anything at all, except playing with my son. My inlaws behavior became really partial and she was favored over e’thing. Though I was managing the house, still if something was to be done in particular for any auspicious day, they wud tell her. She wud pass on the directions to me and march off. Here I was doing e’thing like a slave forgetting completely my life and still I was being not credited for it.

Every time, I wud try to discuss the issues with my hubby, he wud end up saying that my mentality is wrong. His parents don’t think this way or do any such thing. He was not even willing to once discuss this with my inlaws. This started creating a rift between us. MY SIL is very smart in that sense, while I don’t hesitate to call a spade a spade, she wud never do that. She is sooooooooo very sweet in front of u, that one cannot even thing that she can have a conniving mind. In the meantime, my inlwas also shifted to stay with us. Things went so very bad, that I once tried to commit suicide but was unsuccessful as my son too ate the same poisonous stuff and so I had to rush him to doc where in I vomit out my stuff as well as I needed to take care of him. My husband again blamed me for e’thing and called up my parents to inform them that he cannot stay with me anymore. I had not informed anything to my parents so far coz my mom is a heart patient and is suffering from cancer as well. She is presently undergoing treatment for the same. I didn’t want them to be further troubled. But when my husband called them up and told them, I cudnt take it any more. I decided to walk out of the house.

It is then that my inlaws came up openly outside and started blaming me for e’thing. For the first time in my life, I answered back anyone elder to me. I had always given them respect and gone an extra mile for them but that day all the bottlled up feelings came out and I spoke e’thing abt their partial behavior, their lies and unjustified actions. Everything. But they refused to acknowledge even one of them and instead started their own melodramatic scene where in they started to cry and say that ”They don’t want to say anything. They want to leave and go.”  Things never got cleared up, they never ever gave any explanation for nay of their actions.

But they moved to another house 4 houses away from ours. They moved out abt 7 months agao. My relationship with my husband was on the verge of splitup. The only reason I was staying was coz of my son and my Mom. Now that they have moved away and are staying separately with my BIL and SIL, reality is now being seen by e’one. My husband has now changed his attitude and behaviour towards me for the better. He accepts that in some of the things his parents and BIL/SIL were wrong, though he does not accept all of their mistakes. And also doesn’t want to confront them.

My problem now is that though our mutual relationship has started to improve, with both of us agreeing that past can never be forgotten so that small crack wud always remain (at least we think so), the problem comes when inspite of staying separately, my inlaws keep meddling in our life. Though they don’t say anything directly now, but even if they taunt me indirectly, I am not able to take it/ignore it as I used to do earlier. All the past happenings come rushing to my mind and I end fighting with my hubby or just upsetting my mood. All in all, the peace my home is disturbed. Please tell me how do I foget their past doings, how do I free myself from negative thots abt them? How do I manage to keep myself and my home happy and let go of all the negativity of the past?  I want my peace of mind and positive attitude back coz I want to give a healthy environment to my son.

Pls help as I am not able to figure out the ways myself.

Thanks a lot.


jithuri 2011-05-26 13:24:10

 

Parent10

I can clearly empathise with you but will not sympathise, as it gets you no where and only pushes you more into the whirlpool of depressed and destructive state.

Am not much of an adviser but can give you some suggestions.

If you can attend any lectures reagarding how to live your life like the workshops conducted by Chinmaya Mission, Art of living or Swami Sukabhodhanandha do so. It will open a new insight and helps you to do self  introspection.

 

Refuse to give in and fight unhappiness.Never think about the past as it will eat into your present and future . These are like sands of time; cant be held in your hands as they will slip through your fingers. 

Forget and forgive the past.Whatever that has happened is all for the good and whatever that will happen too will all be for the good ;as the GITA says. The Almighty is omnipresent and omnipotent.His calculations will never go wrong.

Concentrate on today, one day at a time. Live and be happy for your self first, then your child and then for your hubby. Fight within yourself for your happiness. Keep smiling always.Take all things light and easy.Never allow what others say to enter your heart. Hear it and register it but dont allow it to get imprinted in your mind, as the mind dictates the heart.

If you feel what your are doing is morally right and will not hurt others, do so but with diplomacy and subtleness. Actions like pricking banana with a needle helps sometimes to handle tricky and difficult situation. Learn this art and carry it out while smiling.

Hope these tips and suggestion helps.Happiness and Peace will automatically shadow you if you learn to accept others as they are(with all their plusses and minuses)and not get affected by their words or actions. We can never change others while we can definitely try and strive to change ourselves.

Its very easy to dwell upon negative thoughts and feel unhappy and wallow in self pity. But its all the more difficult to strive hard to think about positve thoughts and shroud yourself in happy  and cherished memories. That will pave way for newer and positive approach to life and thereby living a blissful and peaceful life.

Hope my reply was not sermonising you. Take these as a friend giving some heartfelt tips. Our life is in our hands. We steer this ship that God has bestowed to us. He has already charted the course and will definitely help us to navigate it and reach the destination safely.

Cheers and Keep Smiling Always;Happiness and Peace will follow suit!!

 

sachpreet 2011-05-28 08:00:14

 

Hi parent10

I had suffered some situations similar to you.But  nobody can be chaged only you have to change yourself.I have also spend sleepless nights,crying.But i am a happier person.Reason is now i don't care so much about those things.Sometimes thoughts of  past sufferings come & haunt the mind.Husband never listen that ,we end up fighting.Husbands cannot listen about wrong doings of their blood relations.What they can do only shout.They don't sympathise.They only make things miserable.Only you can work for your happiness.Read spiritual books.Definately things improve.Don't overreact to them.They irritate you because you get irritated.Don't make them big in your environment. You are giving them importance to spoil your enviornment.Very good lines suggested by jithuri.

 

friend4u 2011-11-15 00:48:48

 

 i soo much agree with sachpreet.. :)

 


sweety0202 2011-11-15 01:39:13

 

 hmm... very delicate situation.. dont push ur husband talking about it. dont keep thinking about them. indulge in a hobby or get back to yr job.. busy life will make u forget the past.

 

apar_sai 2011-11-15 09:11:27

 

Hi,

I highly recommend that you do the course by Art of Living.

It is guided meditation/pranayama/breathing-exercises that help you get rid of all your negativity. It gives immense peace of mind and is not even any religion-based.  

I do not want to talk about it as it has to be experienced for you to realize its power. It is all the more appropriate for you as you are already seeking help - you will definitely receive and benefit more.  

When I did this course last weekend, there was a person who was suicidal, one person who had just lost her son, one person who had been given away for adoption and was very bitter towards her real mother. They all claimed to have lost their negativity and found peace. 

Just find the centre nearest to you and enroll, everything will fall in place..

http://www.artofliving.org/in-en

 

 

 

 

gaya333 2011-11-16 14:11:55

 

 Hi,

 

 I would say the samething.. try to make yourself engaged in a parttime job atleast.. if you were a software professional you can try for some better training job in institutes as parttime trainer...

or engage yourself in your hobbys.. you can learn doing handicrafts and make your self engaged by mind as well as monetary wise..

These ideas will certainly make you to forget past and all your wounds... though the past can't be changed. your mind will be fresh and you will really have something interesting in life... 

 

Parent10 2016-08-09 12:02:25

 

Hi All,
  
   First of all, a very lovely hello to all of you.  I was an active member of this group quite a few years back. 

Probably, some of you might have read my earlier posts. But then, I kind of got lost for some years when I decided to take hold of things in my hand and build my life again, so lost touch with the forum here.

But today, I come back here, not to vent or speak about miseries, but to thank all of you here who had supported me in some of my worst times. I really, really appreciate this form and the members here (I remember the names of some of them, Anchal and Sachpreet, sorry, others I don�â'¬â"¢t remember the names, but I am equally grateful to you all) who became my pillar of strength in my testing times.

I would not say that my life today is a bed of roses, but my life today is definitely a lot better and sane than I could have imagined at that point in time.  I would definitely like to say that PLEASE DO NOT LOSE HOPE AND CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

At that point in time, I decided to take control of things for myself and my child. I was determined to do the best of things for him, whether they are liked by anyone else or not, including my husband. I became completely deaf and mute for my inlaws and their family. I started doing what I felt was right, though I had to face lots of opposition. Unfortunately, during all this time, I lost my Mom to sickness (she was terminally ill). I was devastated but it made my resolve even stronger.

Long story short, today I am not even on speaking terms with my inlaws, but I have a beautiful life beyond that. I had taken up my job back, worked hard through it, got into a enviable position back in my new company and focussed on my child to nurture him. With my husband, I maintained a �â'¬Å"acquaintance�â'¬ relationship, where I am there as a �â'¬Å"friend�â'¬, but not as a wife till you learn to respect me and treat me as an individual who has her own mind and wishes, which need to be acknowledged and accepted, if justified. I showed him the reality of things not through words, but through actions and their consequences.  When he saw me not giving up and not relenting either, he wanted to give our kid a good future too. But he had to put in his own share of hard work, before he gained my trust and love back.

The journey was definitely long, tough, heart-breaking and in no ways memorable, but I held on the path for my child�â'¬â"¢s sake. And now, after 5 years, I am glad to say that I am in a very good place �â'¬" my then toddler child is turning into a confident, happy and friendly young boy, my husband has finally realized the realities and is now a very caring, nurturing and loving husband (though, he is still very much attached to his parents, but doesn�â'¬â"¢t let that impact me or my kids in anyways, keeps the 2 things separate).

All in all, I would again like to thank you all for the support and the feeling of power that I got form this online forum. Keep up the good work , ladies. I shall try to be a regular contributor now on so that I can , may be , help someone the way others helped me. Last but not the least, DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE.  Being patient is good, but don�â'¬â"¢t let that kill your self-respect and confidence.

May God Bless you all.

 

 

All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2008-2019 Parentree