Does marital life become bitter after child birth

14 replies, Page 1

BrillAdith 2011-05-12 10:19:19

 

We are happily married couple ( love marriage). Everything was OK until our son was born. He has given us abundant amount of joy, excitement. But in the meanwhile our personal relationship has taken a toll. We rarely spend time with each other. All my attention is on my son and my hubby feels that I take care only of him. My MIL still rules the kitchen and she wants to serve food to my hubby.  My hubby is a loving father but does not get involved in his upbringing.

Once I reach home, i make sure i spend atleast 1/2 hour with my son, this is apart from the feeding time which is about an hour. yes, end of the day I am exhausted ...........

This is not a major issue but I see that my hubby is not happy with me. Can all be happy or is life only a compromise. I am dejected:(


BrillAdith 2011-05-12 14:10:59

 

Hey people out there. Especially working mothers how do you manage the expectations of your spouses.

 

MaggieM 2011-05-12 14:42:01

 

 

I wouldn’t say it becomes bitter, but definitely more challenging! With work, home, kid, in-laws and spouse, managing everyone's expectations is tough...

What we do is – weekends are teamwork days - we try to spend as much time as possible with each other, doing tasks together - bathing the kid, feeding, cooking etc. If he picks up one task, i will manage the other one, so that we both are involved in it, otherwise, if its just me doing it all, i will be tired! If hubby is not helping you, explain how his help would help you in finishing off the tasks earlier and you can get more time for each other. (It gets even more tough if in-laws are around, and they really dont like watching their son cleaning the baby's poop... )

But, keep reminding him why he married u in the first place... J

Also, try going out to a weekend getaway all by yourself (if MIL can take care of baby all by herself).

Weekdays are the toughest – plan a dinner out once in a while to break the monotony, or some retail therapy after work (esp. Wednesdays) works wonders! J

 

 

 

TS 2011-05-12 17:47:17

 

Even for me it has become challenge to manage everything and no top of it my son is very demanding and unpredictable.

Arguments and disagreement increased more after his birth,but once in while we take holiday along with our son,this helps bonding.

As maggie said retail therapy is the best stress buster for women.

 


srjaitly 2011-05-13 14:10:30

 

Hi BrillAdith,

I have gone through a similar phase in my life as well. I have a 2.4 month old daughter and since the day she has been born two are not able to spend much time with each other. Initially this was getting very difficult as due to lacf of being able to spend time with each other,we both used to be angry and annoyed. Whenever we got time we used to fight. But now things have improved a lot. I am also working so I make it a point that I prepare breakfast for two of us in the morning and pack his lunch as well.That way we atleast speak to each other.

It is just a matter of time,once your kid grows a bit,you two will be in a better position to understand each other. Things will not be same as they are before  akid is born but yes the relationship gets more mature.

 

BrillAdith 2011-05-13 15:01:04

 

Hey thanks guys.......True time is the best healer. :):)

 

itawer 2011-05-13 22:15:03

 

Hey, I came across this wonderful book called "Baby-proofing your marriage". It is hialrious and also was so close to our reality- score -keeping & the lot. Usual tiffs about who does more and hence deserves more help etc.

I feel a lot of things get sorted out or easier to accept and handle if taken with HUGE doses of humour. To be able to stand back and laugh at yourself and the situation though not easy all the time. But whenever we can, it helps like nothing else.

Also when the child is an infant, men are not able to relate much to the kid as all they seem to exist for is eating, sleeping and potty etc. (the baby, not men, though not much diff:)) But I have seen the change in my hubby as my son has grown older. Hubby is able to relate better and even enjoys the one-to-one time he gets to spend with him on the weekend.( as I work on the weekends)

I think mommies should leave the kid in exclusive care of the hubby for both to bond in their own way without any interference from the mom. It wud help a great deal for moms to go out and do their own thing & get back to mommying less stressed:), for dads because they wud feel the mom's trust and confidence ( goes a long way in strenthening mom-dad relationship), and the kid wud get the benefit of getting to know both the parents well on their own terms.

 

NJ 2011-05-14 23:26:27

 

I think after kids the relationship evolve to the next stage, which means spending lesser of couple time and more of family time. Thats why I feel its lot better that one postpones child bearing to atleast a year or 2 after marriage.

As itawar and srjaitly have rightly said, when the kids are older the dads bond with them better, especially when they have learnt to sit still in a car without fiddling with the buttons or the gears, then the dads will feel comfortable to take them out. Till then many of the dads would consider them a more of a nuisance though they may not say it outright for fear of hurting the mother. When my son was a 6 month old baby and I wanted to lose my maternity weight. I wanted to go for walking in the morning or enroll in a gym. But my hub would not spend more than 5 mins with the baby alone and told me outright that I should not leave the baby except during my working hours. Soo determined that I was to lose my post pregnancy weight, the bubble that I had become, So I almost starved for a few months and got back my pre pregnancy weight.

After the marriage, the parents needs to spend time together with the children. If there can be a caretaker like your inlaws or parents then possibly you can take off just the 2 of you for a few days in a month. Apart from that , more time has to be spent together with the children. So I dont have much advice here. Your hub has to understand that children comes first. As strenous as it sounds, there is a lot of joy in going out as a whole family rather than a couple. Since even though you both will be away, your minds will still be thinking about your children, and eventually you will not be able to enjoy the together outing much. But I have seen families leaving their children behind with their parents and going for tours, But they dont do it often.

 


NJ 2011-05-14 23:28:57

 

Read "I have seen families" as "I have seen couples"

 

michaelrenny1 2011-05-15 15:14:32

 

nj:u r  rite...

 

Dhivyacc 2011-05-16 14:49:41

 

hmm feeling somewat ok after reading u ppls quotes. even am also travelling in the same boat, but always my hub want his parents and his wellbeing. he loves kid lot than anybody, but i must nt show the same affection on him , it makes me feel mad, cos for me , i cant leave even for a day or two. but he asking me to keep him with his parents and come to chennai for job. it became a bug quarrel, later i told no, am keeping my kid with my parents, daily night i go and being with my son,

hw can i leave my son with inlaws for a month and monthly i need to visit my kid? hub;s dont think? they are more bonded with their mother, in the same way his wife and his son must not be???

wy inlaws asking grandkids to be with them? wy dont we think for daycare like arrangements and keep my son with me even i am in chennai or anywher? is it wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

Rubu 2011-05-16 16:11:17

 

No matter what you do it would never be enough. You would break ur spine trying to please all and just stress urself out in the process.. take it easy, hire an extra help if need be with a servant.

do as best as you can without getting stressed.. and pat urself saying u did a good job.. cause men wudnt praise you...

http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

those who want to love you, would love you no matter what..

and those who chose to dislike you, would hate you no matter how much you do for them.. take a break, stop caring what others think of you.. and you would notice a change.. for a change-- others would try to please you..

after i hv started working, i focus only on my kids.. i do as much as i can .. and i do a lot i know it, so i pat myself praise myself and keep a happy life....

Though I still feel, I led a way too submissive life after marriage and changing that equation is very hard now. i m learning to stand up for what I believe in.

I had a love marriage and yes, i m in similar boat.. however the difference is, i was always in the same situation right from after 1-2 months into marriage... having kids have made my life better.. I  thank god for my kids...

rubina

 

NJ 2011-05-16 17:36:55

 

Dhivya,

I appreciate you insisting that you bring your kid with you. You can make some daycare arrangements or as you said if your parents stay near to you, drop and pick up your kid daily before and after work. Your hub though will initially resist will eventually learn to live with it. Asking you to leave your kid behind is not fair anyway. But take this opportunity to stay nuclear and create your life together.

Even though my mom does not stay with us, if she comes for a few days to stay, ,y hub would find lots of faults with her. But my mil , she stays with us throughout and if I am not able to get along with her sometimes, he thinks I am cruel. So many face different problems, with inlaws especially, and therefore the relationships with hub are also strained sometimes due to that.

 

Dhivyacc 2011-05-17 11:36:12

 

ya Rubu and NJ , u ppl defined my situations exactly than me. I tried lot, but i told fault on them, so situations are becoming hard. am a egoist and very arrogant, dont know how to behave...like these only i got words.. so i stopped speaking to anybody... just tried and got offer, and waiting for things to get settled down, but with full of issues...

 

pink6rose 2011-06-10 09:09:21

 

i felt a lot better after reading all of your views. To be honest, i am relieved a bit, that am not the only one going through this. Because of my MIL, the relationship between my hubby and me has strained over the past few weeks.

She wants first preference for everything and it gets on my nerves at times. Cant my hubby do anything for me or my child?

I have a 1 year old daughter and i am planning to quit my job as i want to be with her.  I actually joined back to work 6 mnths back unwillingly. I repent now and feel i should've listened to my conscious rather than trying to make others happy.

My MIL takes good care of her but i am not at peace. I wonder if am over reacting or being crazy!!

I am really tired over the past few days about all the conflicts going on and for the first time since our marriage, my hubby is not talking properly with me and the worst thing is, he doesnt discuss whats in his mind. All this is eating up my mind :( ..

 

 

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