how to avoid problems when our child is near to us.

15 replies, Page 1

PoorniSaravanan 2011-05-07 16:09:41

 

Dear All,

i am new to this Parantree. Nice to hear  and C all ur Msgs. i would like to have a good opinion  and ideas for my happy Life. plz help me Out.

Myself,hubby, My Daughter and Mother-in law. we are family living in chennai. but we have lot of problems day to day. my mother in law is over clean(OCD) and very much possesive with my Hubby. he is only son. i am working. day by day we are all fighting and also due to this my kid is suffereing lot. but not able to solv this. my Hubbu=y cant leave without his mom and as well as kid. he simple blames me always that he dont likes me only for the kid i am living with u. becoz his  mother donts likes me. i am the only person working. my hubby is at home without job. and also he dont have interest too. i am managing the whole family with rented House . but that too they are not realizing they are killing me.  I am a fun Girl. i dont have privacy to be at home with my hubby to share, eat, watch TV.  normally i dont stay at home. i want to take him out atleast but he dont like going outside, spend money. he is very much scared to his mom. my kid is getting spoiled. frm mrng 7.30 to night 10.30 he watches TV.  at the same time i am not able to live withou him.but he is not understanding my feelings. day by day we are fghting. all is watched by my daughter she is scared to come with me outside. i really dont know what to do. plz help me and give me some options. i have also plan to second baby. but my hubby doesnt.


sachpreet 2011-05-07 21:50:11

 

How old is your daughter? you should postpone your second baby for sometime.You are going through many problems.Ask your hubby to do some work cooly.Praise about your mother-in-law in front of your husband evenif you think bad about her in heart.Try to spend time with your baby.Buy some activity & story books,colouring books for your daughter.You & your husband can go to park with your daughter.There is no need to spend money over there.You have to handle all these patiently.Much patience is required while communicating with your husband.A woman has a power to change her enviornment.In the long run you will see the result of your efforts.

 

sudeepa 2011-05-08 16:26:13

 

hi,

Right now dont even think of second baby. This is the high time that u take the situation under your total control with maturity so that your husband and mother in law both be able to understand your situation.At first you have to talk to your mother in law openly about this,that if she really have problem with you then you r ready to sit at home and ask her son to go out and rather provide some thing for the family and also ensure her that she neednot have to be insecure by you since you are the one who is only trying to help them

 talk to the husband the he is simply waisting his and yours one of beautiful years of married life by having fights with you.Won't he would love to have normal life where everyone can be happy   

 

PoorniSaravanan 2011-05-09 13:03:06

 

Hi dear Preeth-i (a) and Sudeepa,

Thanks for ur kind reply. i am really wonder to see ur replies.

Dear Preeti(a),

As of now itself he crossed 38 Years old. If i will Postphone it will be affecting to kid also. He is not the Hardworker. his mom brought up is like that. she neglects to make him any work to go outside and also inside. she wants his son always with her and to speak always only with her. even he sacred to come park with me and my Kid(3 Years Old). he can go seperatly and also with My kid. but not with me. he will avoid me and will give some reasons which is very much experianced.

Dear Sudeepa,

i have sit with her and spoke several times to her boldly.  but for one or Two days. again the same situations. whats her big problem is i dont want to use any of my hubbies things like Plates, Tumblers,Towels,Soaps etc.  even my hubby says the same.how can be this possible. she treats me as a slave. and i dont want to watch TV. she dont even like sitting on chairs &  Sofa's.  I am getting only sunday Off. my Hubby dont want to go Outside. how can i will adjust with them. he dont have any work experiance and Certificates too. at this age no one is willing to give job for him. and he also dont want to invest the money to start some business too. he wants to lead normal Life. my aim and goal is i want to give my daughter  a Good education and kind  girl nothing else. if we back to our town. there is no good edcation, extra curriculam actvities to join. i am really scared. i am leading the whole family in chennai right now.but  he wants to wants to back to town.he wants to get diverse now a days. but i am very much luv with him. He will never isten to my words and feelings. he is just living for his mom and kid. he will be without touch and contact me for 10 days,1 month,3 months also in the same room. but he will never come to me. if sometimes i go  he avoids. i am sorry to tell u all my personnel problems. but i dont know what to do.  expecting ur good ideas and techniques.

B rgrds,

poorni

 


BrillAdith 2011-05-09 13:48:55

 

Hi Poorani,

I am not a counseller, still, what message I get from the description of your husband is that he needs some good counselling. The mother-son bonding has got over him in such dangerous proportions that he has lost his individuality. Suggest you take him to a psychiatrist just for a counselling session so that he gets to know the real world and is shaken up a lil bit.

I totally empathise with you, the frustration you go through. If your daughter is more than 2 years old, please put her in playschool nearby so that some quality time is spent. Speak to your daughter and be kind to her, you are her only saviour. You need to be STRONG for your daughter, she needs you. Dont get emotional, just handle it through your head, cos in the midst of house-hold qualms, your lil one shd not get affected. She deserves a good childhood and a better future. ALL the best!!!!!

 

PoorniSaravanan 2011-05-09 16:05:10

 

Dear Shobana Priya,

What's the Big Problem is he is very much aware  of the physcology.  he took his mom and me to Physciatric Doctor before 4 Years. that is one year completion after my marriage. but there is no continuations. mother-in -law doesnt like going and so he is accepting and taking is mothers words. we almost met 4-5 Doctors. but all the doctors told that his mother having some problem and also for my hubby. so to  continue for many sittings. but he refuses to come for the second sitting.  when i am calling him for the second sitting he simply says why should we want to  waste our time money. i dont have interest. he is doing the same with all the 5 doctors. recently we met Dr.Ms.Shalini and Banyan Hospital Doctor Ms.Sangeetha. i am very much confident if i complete the coulceling our family will sort out the problems.  but i not able to convince them for many days. now he is asking for diverese. my kid is suffereing lot. my daughter complted 3 Years last month. now in the june she will doing her L.K.G in A School.we got the admissions too. and important thing he dont and never alllow to live my kid in Day Care or else my relative side. sometimes he does allow me to take outside. he is simply blaming she will spoil if she comes and brought like me.plz advice.

 

mickey 2011-05-09 20:41:36

 

 Hi Poorni,

My heart goes out for you.....Gosh ! How have u been undergoing all this ???  Where are your Parents Poorni ??  You need to have a strong support system.
Pl be strong, be bold and think wisely for the benefit of your child.

Is it not possible for you to stay separately with your daughter for some days to make ur husband and MIL realize your importance ??  If they are not allowing, there are others ways which can be worked out...U must make them realize at any cost if u want to continue your relation....

I agree with BrillAdith's suggestion....You really need to stand up for yourself and not get carried away ...............

You may pl feel free to talk to me... You can send me your phno through parentree inbox...May be I could help you in some way....


Be Tough  n be Bold.....coz Tough times never last but tough people do ......

take care....

Mickey

 

 

sachpreet 2011-05-09 22:50:43

 

 Mickey I was also thinking about the same.She should talk to her mother or anyone with whom she is close.You are always good in uplifting the spirit. 

Poorni 38 years age is not much age.Even now he can start doing work.His weakness is kid.He loves daughter.Then you can convince him giving your daughter's example.Say to him "We need this & this thing for our daughter.We will be in need more money for her future.I cannot manage all alone for her."

Be Bold & Be Strong

 


yeskumar 2011-05-10 01:19:09

 

Hello friend,

On reading  your first post,its clear you have  two issues to be solved.First is your hubby to get to a job and secondly need for an understaniding between you and your mil.I think you have least control on both issues.coz,both your mil and hubby are not kids,they are fully aware of their activities.

Its obvious that a mother having a single son is more pssessive.But its your hubby's duty to maintain a correct balance between wife and mother.And its useless to talk to your mil or you hubby abt it,

As your kid is 4 years you may be got married some 5 years before.For some couples it may take even 7 or 8 years to reach a mutual understanding.

For time being you can avoid to get deep into these issues ,but secure your job and save for your kids future.Regarding marital issues you can discuss with your parents or relations who will volunteer for you in critical situations.

there  will be ups and downs and nothing is stable in everyone's life,

 

 

 

 

PoorniSaravanan 2011-05-10 11:44:41

 

Dear Mickey,Preethi  & kumar,

I am realy very much happy to see ur replies and Ideas. It gives me more confident to live and acheive in my life. i didn't know about this website. i was just checking the school for my kid new admissions. My sister sent me this website address but i am not much sure. but now i feel amazing and so much happy . the Problem is with me i can't even live without him for a day. so for last five years still i m on their path. but they blames me they are like slaves for me. i didn't undersatnd. my last and final option is taking to a good Physicatric Doctor. atleast my Hubby.if that too faills. then its god way.  i will try to convince him to  go doctor by this week.  DEAR ALL PLZ SUGGEST IS THAT OK OR ELSE GIVE ME SOME IDEAS. I AM VERY MUCH HAPPY TO SEE UR MSG'S.

THANK U TO ALL,

B Rgrds,

POORNI

 

Poonamtp 2011-05-10 12:08:16

 

Poorni,

Common yaar Show the woman power. Be strong. You are finanacially independent. Threatened them that you will not stay with ur hubby and MIL. And will take ur daughter with you. See every woman has to fight for her own dignity and respect. Talk to your mom and dad or anyone who  really by all means will stand by you If your hubby don't care about ur emotions then u should show him ur importance. And one more thing speak less with them involve urself with ur daughter let ur hubby only sit with his mom. you avoid them but don't show like you are doing purposefully. try to sweet with her in front of ur  hubby. Always keep urself busy or when tired take a good rest also. Try to leave ur life by the way u like. Don't think too much about them. Take meditation or chant matras.  When you are in office enjoy with ur friends don't think about home and give love to ur daughter and teach her give her books to read and toys to play. 

Create your own position dear. they should care of you because u r earning for them.  And why r u thinking about second daughter. Don't think till ur husband don't share his responsibilities and save some of ur money wihout telling them for u and ur daughter. 

Fight for urself coolly and wisely. Don't underestimate yourself. You should be ruler. Be aggressive wherever required. You go to counsellor to ask for help to handle this situation. Tell ur true story I think counsellor will tell you how u can handle ur hubby specially.  All the Best. God bless you. Really care for you like Mickey said. Afterall I am also woman can feel for you. But Keep smiling Dear and overcome from this situation You should be a winner.

Will wait for the news from u that u are happy in your married life now. Meanwhile our full support and suggestions are with you Dear. Go for it and u can do it :)

 

 

 

BrillAdith 2011-05-10 12:54:57

 

Yes All the best Poorani, you need to do it for yourself, your dear hubby and your daughter.

 

srjaitly 2011-05-13 14:35:23

 

Dear Poorni , As all have already mentioned above,you need to be really very strong.

You should be thankful to God for your job and should make sure that it is secured.

I would suggest you go to your parents home for few days with your daughter and go to work from there only. Don't  even call your husband and MIL to ask how they are. Make them realise how important you are as they both are taking you for granted.

You are the one who is feeding them and they are torturing you. So wake up and make yourself happy with what good things you have in your life. Spend quality time with your daughter. Also keep yourself busy and make them realise that if they don't care for you,you also don't  care for them.

 

Gone are the days when women were meant to be tortured by in laws.  Things have changed and so shud you.

 

Take care of yourself. God bless you !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

sark 2011-09-25 12:48:35

 

 hi poorani,

                        soon u will easily overcum dis as ur mil is old her life is too short frm nw on am really sry to say this n if u keep on fighting ur lifespan will only get reduced so be patient n now a days our kids r vry sharp n grasp all things easily so keep mum b4 ur child as much as possible n i pray god that he gives u strength to overcum tis prob soon

 

uk2k 2011-09-26 04:08:50

 

You can invoke Section 498-A(dowry, cruelty against woman)  under this section the parents, sisters and brothers are also thrown behind bars and that too ...with no provision for bail (except in case of women) this law works in favour of woman..use wisely for your benefit...

 

Cherri 2011-09-27 00:05:13

 

Hi Poorni,

I think its not a good idea to go for second baby when you have  maritial problems.

you have already mentioned your daughter is also scared of your MIL and she also afraids to come with you. and you are not happy with your family /HUBBY/MIL.

what  will you do if ur second baby will also turn like yur first baby ( think of this....). already ur facing problems. so think of it .

 first  reslove your issues with ur husband and MIL.

I understood that you want to live with ur hubby and u can not stay with out him. in this case, do not file file any case like 498A/ domestic violence case  against your husband or ur MIL. many families spoiled by filing cases against in-laws and husband. after filing of the case, there will 0% of possiblity for re unioin.

first of all talk to ur husband what is his plans abt the future. what is his feelings... why he wants to live in village. why he does not like you. what makes him happy.. 

tell him to look for a job .as ur husband is always at home, he does not get a chance to know world and did not get a chnace to meet different people. when he meets different people, he may know what is world and how imp is family . 

when he loves the kid, can not he think of kid future?..

never leave your job. when a woman has marital difficulties, it is always better to stand on her on own legs. finanancial support  gives more confidence to face any kind of problems in life.

 be strong to face any kind of problems even some one helps you or not. All you need is courage to face the problem.

marital problems will make anyone mentally weak, dipressed, sad. there are no words to tell abt the pain.

 of course we all can give suggestions. but i knew the difficuly in implememnting the things.

try to take ur husband to a family conusilor. try to spend much time with ur husband.

tell him that how much u luv him . even if he wont talk to you, u talk to him.

tell ur hubby, if you both fight infront of ur kid, hw it spoil ur daughter, she feels in security and it spoil her future.

even if ur MIL scolds you, try to minimise ur fightings. when you want some thing, you have to compramise. 

 . think practically. 

I wish you will have a good life . Good luck.

 

 

All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2008-2019 Parentree