Difference of opinion in raising kid which leads to Fight often

11 replies, Page 1

RamyaRajesh 2013-05-14 12:04:32

 

Hi Everyone, Iam a frequent reader of all the posts and learned a lot from you all.

Iam very much depressed and i need someone to share my thoughts.

Everything went well before my daughter was born. We had a quality time and we discussed a lot about many things.My daughter is 3 yrs old now and she is the whole world for my husband. Iam a working women, my mom takes care of my kid at home.

My problem is my husband doesnt allow me to do everything for my daughter, he feels he is the only person in the whole world who will do all my kids chores perfectly and with Love.

He finds fault in whatever i do for her, he says i dont take proper care of her...we discussed this ..i told him u never let me do anythign for her and now you say iam not a good mom.

My husband pampers her all time and she often cries when he is around to get things done..but i dont do everything she asks ..i dont pamper her and not very strict..i give her when she needs it..
i used tell her not to do this , that (iam worried as she is very naughty and often get hurt in someway)..she never listen to me and atlast i scold her (poor working women ..no patience after telling her so many times)this goes on everday..

Yesterday we had a big fight when i scolded my daughter when she ran to terrace.My husband says iam not a good mom and iam torturing her.He added that he will take his daughter and leave me alone. I blast into tears(iam very cautious not to cry infront of my kid). he is ready to do anything for her daughter..but i said u r spoiling your daughter.

As a MOM i know iam doing good for her. I love to spend more time with her.Wherever we go he just hold her in his arms.

I feel very depressed ...he says i failed to be a good wife, mom. Please help me..



KALPAN 2013-05-14 15:27:53

 

Pl look if there is any other angle behind this i.e. you said your mom is taking care of your daughter.  Your husband, if having problem with her, may behave like this unnecessarily just to trouble you. Since u said you have good time before her birth, I feel this. Or he is frustrated, so making you villain in the eyes of your dauther.  And kids will not understand who is doing good for them, they will just show their affection to the one who pampers them. Such behaviour of parents confuse a child and as u rightly said spoils them. Try to go to the root cause, which I feel is something different (may be u r not paying any attention to him-that may also be the reason). Best thing is to sit and talk with him in an understanding manner.

 

 

RamyaRajesh 2013-05-14 16:11:56

 

@Kalpan - Thanks for replying. No issues with my mom...i alrasy asked him about this...he said no issues until she takes good care of my daughter..this whole world is around his kid .

@rishab - discussed many times but in vain...he says ok you take care of her i wont interfere...but when i say something he is the first person to interfere :) ...he just can't ..

We have enough time to talk ...no issues between me and my hubby..but when it comes to his daughter ..he wants everyone to be angels to her..atlast i have decided to let him groom his daughter ..i wont interfere in any ways...i need to wait and see if this helps..

Any thoughts on this??
 

 

RamyaRajesh 2013-05-14 16:23:59

 

I used to spend time with my kid when he is not in home...Even i love my kid , even i want to spend time with her..even i care for her..but why iam not allowed..when i ask this to my husband..he says no one is stopping you , but he will not let her come to me..he will keep her engaged or just hug and hold her with him...i slowly realised this..this is the case when we go out..

When we go out for trip/tour..he used to carry his daughter and go without waiting for me..this makes me feel negleted...when i ask him this he says 'u just come with me why are u waiting' am not waiting for anyone but why should i run behind him..its a leisure time..apart from daily hectic routine. we are here to enjoy.

 


aanchal 2013-05-14 17:01:42

 

RamyaRajesh: all couples have their difference in opinion about raising their kids. mother wants this, father wants that. mother feels this is correct, father feels that is correct. there is no escape from this. just few points to keep in mind:

  1. we shouldnt fight about parenting in front of the child (it makes the child guilty, and sometimes manipulative)
  2. we should make sure that we are not opposing the partner for some other hidden reason
  3. we may differ on small issues, but on the bigger issues we need to have same/similar views

in your case it seems like your husband is taking out his anger/frustration through opposite parenting stance. the hidden reasons need to be sorted out first.

and dont be depressed about it. dont sulk. you are a mother. you are the only mother your child has.no one can take your place. a weak mother is not a good figure to identify with. your daughter will either identify with her father and become aggressive with you, or will identify with you and become a submissive child.

be strong..i know its easier said than done..but your love for your child should be bigger than your husband's anger.

 

RAnne 2013-10-15 10:41:14

 

Hi Ramya, similar situation here too. DH & I were the bestest of buddies but after DD came along, things just went topsy-turvy. Now, we can barely manage 2 mins of conversation w/o an argument. Not a great example to set for the kid. I just think new fathers want to be involved in parenting and they feel they need to give it all. In many cases, both parents don't see eye to eye on parenting strategies. As moms, we mostly know what the kid goes through but as a father, they feel ignored or threatened at times if they cant understand why a kid is behaving in a certain way. It's nice to see DH adore DD, but it's frustrating when it's affecting our relationship. It's a phase, I guess. It's tough but we need to just tide through. Hang in there.
 

praxy 2013-10-17 15:56:17

 

hi....
simmiler prob was discussed here.. pls refer below link... in which i gave my opinion...

http://www.parentree.in/India/Preschoolers-2-5-years/20356-desperately-need-help
th
hogh u got a good guidance from anachal n kalpann

good luck
 

praxy 2013-10-17 16:06:45

 

though not similler but this also will give u some soothing feeling as it happens with every1 and u alone

http://www.parentree.in/India/Personal-Relationships/17242-role-of-husbands-after-kids-are-born

 


praxy 2013-10-17 16:12:07

 

i tell u, husbands keep changing....when child newly born all 1st 1-2 yrs they behaves so as ur husband....for any new thing they behave caring-possesive and so with child....as years passes by, he will come back to track...later years he will b again lost in his own responsibilities like work burden etc and wont poke much of his nose in child rasing...in india it stays mothers outlook and so it will b always...this s just temprory stage...be paitent....
 

Raajeysh 2014-02-15 18:03:23

 

Hi.

First thing stop using the word depressed from now on.

Always remember, the kid is the beneficiary of the love and care, once you realize that there will be NO difference of opinion, only thinking of whether it is what he finds good.

Kids have a method to find love from both their parents, but get confused when you end up showing him a WWF contest all the time, so let the kid decide, but you involve with the kid s/he will involve with you, don't worry about who combs his hair or changes his uniform or gives him a bath, you give the child the time s/he desires from you, they should know when they need they have you, otherwise let the kids decide and be their selves, why do you have to interfere just to make it known that you care for the welfare of your child, the child already knows it, unless there is something very seriously wrong between you two.

kind regards,
Raj
 

Raajeysh 2014-06-04 20:56:46

 

I see this mail repeated in 3 of my responses, is this for me? and what is the kind of relationship you are seeking? Because you also mention that you have something very important to disclose to me, when all we know of each other is from a thread in a forum as this.

regards,
Raj
 

aanchal 2014-06-05 06:14:03

 

It's a spam which has been posted in various discussion threads. Do not email at the given id. Admin: please delete the profile.
 

 

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