I ammarried for 5 yr and hv a kid. We were in jont family when we were married. Joint family did nt continue as myself and MIL didnt get along well.Nw I am in nuclear family.
I am comefrommiddle class family and he come from lowr middl cls fmly. Idid not manage the family when we wre together.When we started nuclr fmly, i managed home. he will give money for monthly expenses, he will take us out every week,he willpurchase whatever i ask him like cloths,eatables etc. SOmewhere i felt that as a wife he is restricting me only to these things.I worked till i my kid was 3months.after that i resigned.
Nw the problm is my husband has the feeling that feeding wife and children daily, gving a house to stay, and paying money for kids education etc are enough to run the family as an intimate husband and wife. He is not discuusing what are his income,what is being spent evry month,saving,future plan, recevd rent or not. MY BIL is married and living separetly.The worst thing is his brother knows evrything. Even when I attended a marriage cermony on my husband's behalf,he is not telling me what gift he planned,he informed his brother what is to be done. Evry time, i have to ask him and learn the details.This is going on in all matters,from buying property, to rent our flats, painting, house renovation, collecting rent etc. Most bad thingis, I get to know all these details thro MY BIL and not husband.
Family matters he is discussing on with FIL ,MIL and BIL. Property maintanence with FIL and BIL. Future plan BIL. In many instances I found the facts told me was false or half true.
I spoke tohim,that this is not the way husband and wife to run the family. Wife should be first person to discuss and recieve all information related to our family matter.But no gain. Things contibnue tohappen the same way. All these things should happen without my intervention. Inspite of telling hime,nothing changed. So I kept way fromsuch topics and conversation.
Now,my husband is asking me why I am not discussing anything with him. I donot know what to talk tohim. General talk is what he is expecting from a wife. He is saying, talkabout general matters not relating to family. Donot know what to talk.
My mummy says this is how all husbands are,so do not blow it up.I personally donot agree with her. She is 80s wife and I am 2010wife.
Pls share your opinin,is this how family is going on in metro cities.
It all depends on trust and mutual understanding. If your husband is not telling now means there is a gap between you two. Ofcourse it happens to every one. The best thing is to discuss.
Since you already informed that there is a problem with your MIL. Obviously your husband might have some negative thing about you since you didn't mingle with his mother. Even the real problem is there with MIL, no son will completely agree with wife. Its easy to comment. but since you are in the situation, you know better than others.
So I think its you have to take a decsion like how to go further. for that please discuss with your husband and come to a mutual understanding.
Hi Niro ,
I am sorry/happy for you.
sorry because you have small misunderstanding . Happy this is micro problem.
From you words i can understand that your hubby is self-made person because of his job etc. since he is from lower middle class and you are from middle class there will be a difference in approach for each & every issue .For example Lower middle class people will be living in one or two room houses where there interaction with father , mother & siblings are more from childhood. Whereas, middle class people will have room for their wards. This gives some privacy , less talking etc. Moreover Middle class people won’t discuss much with friends, colleagues but whereas lower middle class use to discuss lot this is because they want to be safe/secure.
Each and every lower middle class men want to get spouse from middle or upper middle class so that there family standard increases and will have good status in society. Mostly men want to adjust with mom as well as wife, but it is difficult/not possible.
My best suggestion would be talk to your hubby spend more time with him. You politely tell him that you have equal rights in all decision he supposed to make. Get penetrated into his world slowly, i know you can achieve his full confidence within one year.
Since you are from middle class he might be afraid /scared of your ideas/thoughts try to understand it and rectify...
All the best...Hope this is useful..:)
srilalithay and SomuMP, thanks for your response.
Srilalithay, I had discussed with him several times about this matter. Every time he apologise and promise it wil not happen next time. I believe him evry time when he makes promise. The very next time , he will break it and then we will have discussion, it becomes argument and then a fight. I felt such fights should not disturb our kid's life. So I started keeping quite and told him I will not interfere in any matters. he keeps insisting me i should talk to him normally(general matters) and share evrything. Don'tknow what to talk and what to share with him. Generaltalk we can do with anyone neighbours, friends, relative etc. what is specialbetween husband and wife?. Day by day I am losing my love towards him. Don't know how to go ahead.
Respecting eachothers space especially wen it comes to husband and wife...is of prime importance. From wot u have mentioned, i understand ur husband doesnt want u to interfere in the financial and other imp decisions taken for the betterment of ur family. So be it....dear.
But, u have gone and severed that lil delicate cord too by not talking to him in general (which he wants u to). For u wot seems general talk ...could be a bridge closing the gap between u two. And yes there are umpteeeeeeeeeeeeen things to be spoken between a husband and wife...so much that at times even the 24 hours of a day feel short. Get a hold on urself dear and a stronger hold on ur marriage too as u say ur losing love for him. Any problem between a husband and wife can be sorted provided THEY TALK TO EACHOTHER.
Communication is of utmost importance to know eachother better. Talk about how his day goes in office...and u have a kid too...so make the kid a part of ur talks too. I dont know how old is ur kid....but bring him into ur talks with ur hubby. Once u start talking on any general topic....conversations will just start to flow. Talk about sth imp that u read in the newspaper....discussion about sports, music, movies wotever his field of interest...eventhough u dont have interest in it....But make an attempt to talk about things that interest him.
For a few months u just leave aside ur thoughts about he not involving u in anything......and think about how much u are involving him in ur world to make it OUR WORLD......
There is much more to do for u rather than give up dear...its a petty problem that ur going thru. And yes some men really dont like to discussion all that they do with their wives. So just let it be that way .....as long as he loves u and ur family....these things are trivial....and can be handled in a smarter way.
Btw how many years to ur marriage....?? and how old is ur kid???
First of all i don't know every husband is like this or not.But this question came to my mind many time.Sometimes i think " why it is so tough to understand husband? Why they are so different? But you have to respect his independence for maintaining relationship.You shouldn't compare yourself with BIL .MIL,FIL.I know you are not comparing but it comes in every woman's mind that where is my place in my husband's life.Your husband has bonding with your in-laws.Your mummy is also right to some extent.My mom gave me advice so many times.She can be old-fashioned but her advices are not old-fashioned.
I agree with 3rd paragraph of Vandanav about communication.Try to do positive communication about baby,his day in office.You can say once to him if you want him to share all talks.But avoid arguments. It doesn't mean that you are coward.Just because you are a homemaker & you want to make a happy home.
Hello vandanav and sachpreet
I agree with you.talking brings improvements in relationship. I also agree I cannot compare myself with my inlaws, as they are with him from his childhood. Though I don't discuuss other things with him, I tell him about my kid evry day. I told him several times, that he is doing things without involving me. Anything out of our home,he has his own space, but things relating to us is where we land in problem.
Pls don't take thisas an argument, I am just trying to be clear what is happening in families in our society.
Talking about general things is fine. But what makes the husband and wife relationship diferent from others like friend or living together. We can talk all these general things to every one, even to strangers in some cases. Things relating to how to run the family smooothly can be discussed only btwen H&W.
My husband is not a businessman,he is employed. Married for 5 yrs and has 3.5 yr old kid. When he is not sharing inspite of having discussed with him many times and if I don't react, won't he take advantage of me. That is what I felt about my husband. Every time after a quarell, I will settle down and talk to him as before. But there was no improvement. So I thought If I react atleast he will think about it.
I may be correct or wrong.Ladies or gents pls share your thoughts.Atleast let this be aforum to understand the mindset of homemakers in such cases.
Of all the relations .....a Husband and Wife's relations is the most easiest to handle....but yet seems a HERCULEAN task. Reason....Expectations from both sides. Once marriage happens we start imposing our individual rights on eachother. We start expecting more from eachother. We start taking eachother for granted too. We start having fat and stubborn egoes which ruin the peace and harmony of such a beautiful relation. When in love OR before marriage, that same guy and girl seem to be so much in love...promising a world of happiness to eachother....words ,in those days of courtship, are endless to be uttered n many a times we feel that still lots is to be said....This is so cos at that time hearts are free of any responsisibilities....liabilities...stress....etc. its the freedom that both the sexes have to express their love and talk about anything to eachother under the sky.
But once wen marriage happens the same scenario changes drastically.....reason being wot i mentioned above...and most importantly wen u marry ...u happen to marry the family of ur better half too...So now its no more you and he...but its US ( including the in-laws.) This is the time wen eachother;s love is put to test....ur tolerance is being tested.....eachothers flaws are exposed (which were never noticed wen in love or courtship days before marriage) . All of a sudden both H n W seem so different now than before....and this sudden transformation is very difficult to be accepted by either side.
From wot u have told here....its very clear that ur hubby doesnt like to involve u in prime decisions related to ur family.....and that u want to be a part of those decisions. Would suggest u/reiterate .....first u make both urselves comfy with general talks....do things wot interest him....You may be ignored first time ...second time...but get that into a habit of doing things which please him. Some day he would realise his mistake and make amends...and take and make u a part of those imp decisions.
Why we women shd do this??????? ONLY women are blessed and priviliged to do such things...cos we are 10 times emotionally strong and tolerant than men. Men can never endure wot we women can. Hence its expected that we women take the first step and the second and the third...and so on....And any woman would love to do that if she really loves her family.....
Many times,I feel much lesser than my inlaws in his life . Hoping things get better in time. Don't know when. Right nw, i am not messing my kids life by completely avoiding talking to my husband. For my kids sake I have to continue chat and general discussion,only then my kid will have a better place to grow. Diverting my thought thro other activities.
Thanks to all for your valuable advises.
First of all,don't feel yourself lesser than your in-laws.Feeling lesser or higher it's only in our hand.Definitely things get better with time.I'm married for more than 6 years.If i see my relationship 5 year back .my relationship improved 90%.Our love takes a different form.But it never dies.As responsibilites come,in married life, both Husband & wife learn many things.Husband also tries to change many of his habits.I will write you again.Till then cheers
@niro.. from whatever you said.. it seems that you got some little ego problem
for example you said that you are from middle class and he is from lower middle class.. How cruel it is to compare the family status of your husband. First you remove this comparison of middle and lower middle from your heart. We are just human. There is a Chanakyan quote - 'Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships will never give you any happiness'. Husband is friend as well.
And you said you can't get along with MIL. Why is that so? You want your husband but not the MIL. I agree that it is very difficult to mingle with MIL.. but just keep trying. Everyone has lost patience...You start loving your MIL and FIL. I bet your husband will love you like anything. To be frank and to all the girls, the moment when the girls start hating their MIL and FIL, all men will start hating their partner.
Just try to see the world from the eyes of your husband.. in few days the reverse would happen....
@SomuMP - nice explanation of lower middle class and middle class families...
First of all sorry for talking about ur personal life, but hats off to u to bring it as a discussion and getting the feedbacks as positive to consider it, like Loganathan’s experience (as to say). One more thing in this discussion who ever participated would be well experienced in their life, maybe many more situations than you. Now might be everyone enjoying their marriage life bcoz they understood the marriage life. There is nothing wrong to have a word “adjusting” btw husband & wife relation.
In addition to Log’s point, once or few times if a wife felt discomfort or unsatisfied while husband taking care / funding their parents, then after immediately they will avoid sharing / hide all the details to their wife. This is not with the intension of avoiding her, this should be better to avoid a clash between them.
I think so U are the only daughter to ur parents. I am sure, ur hubby might be giving good respect and love to ur parents.
Keep it in mind if we make our parents unhappy, sure we will get the result in our life itself. This is not a dialogue, fact… fact…fact…
Be happy and more flexible to enjoy the life.
@Loga345 and Hussain6
Happy that you shared ur thoughts in this discussion.
In our society evry women is adjusting with their husband however they are. That is the reason why we do not have higher divorce rates in india. I am also adjusting with him, else i would not have been continuing in this relationship,inspite of so many argument and disappointments. And that is why I stopped having anymore expectation. So nobody can say girls in india are nt adjusting with in laws. I am sure, many women will have the same questions in their mind. But after reapeated disappointments, they keep quite(so called adjusting, but still the question/expectation remain with them.
The purpose of discussion, are these women really happy from their heart. If a wife behaves like this, husband will not have shortfeeling about their relationship?
If all husbands are like that, then fine, no women can question men.
Keeping passing ur opinion. thank you.
Thanks for considering it in a positive way. I wish to have a good and happy married life soon.
Thank you sachpreet. Hope things turn good with time. Thanks for the wishes Husaain6 and to all.
hi...as ppl already gave all required feedback, i wont tell u much but i wud suggest/reccomand u to go thru all topics discussed on parentree under Personal relationship topics.. many abt mil, in-laws n many abt husbands too... u wl really feel beter reading tat ki u r not alone and many many ladies r like u..... pls open the topic of personal-relationship and go thru topics 1 by 1 whenever u get time... good luck, u wl come out of it...ever1 goes thru this phase of life
How are you? you were in my chat list of Gmail.But it's deleted.
hi..fine dear...u r still in my gmail list..i ve sent u a msg u can add me back...f nt let me know..bfn tc
Praxy- I ve saved ur email id but cudnt get time to connect with you.. I m constantly busy...
Niro;- many are in the same boat like you. I ve cut off expectation, dependency to prevent myself getting disappointed.
I ve also made some mistakes which i regret and looking back if given a chance i wudnt hv commited them. but then back then i didnt hv enough maturity to understand them. now, apologizing doesnt help..
I talk less, mine chattering in the background is of no use. my husband is very high on revenge so i would have to face it the whole life.. Knowing him, he will not forget nor forgive even a single tiff the whole life.
while for me, I ve also found t hard to forgive and let go... but other than talking less, i dont do anything wrong. I just dont share my personal fears and space with him anymore. If i share he uses that against me later on. so I dont trust him AT ALL, when it comes to hurting me...
So i generally like to open my mouth to say sth nice if I ve else shut up.
Marriage is a package, it comes with PAIN...Help urself by keeping urself busy, expectations low.
what rubu you told is correct, people before marrige thinks it will be heaven and will be full of joy, but reality is not like that, especially in arranged marriage, one of two days of talking will not give you a picture
Thanks praxy, I have been reading discussions in PR and many groups.. I started this discussion to understand, how experieced people faced and handled this situtation.
Rubu, Yes, I agree with you at one point we lose trust on the other person. We'll help ourselves.I stopped talking about things that he is not willing to share. No expectations no disappointments. Doing this have reduced arguments between us. Will try talking to him on general things. I am ensuring my kid does not get to know about this as he growsup. I want him to feel home a sweet home.
One things I would like to share here to married people. One of my friend said this to me few years before after seeing an accident of her close one. Noone knows what will happen tommorow to us or people with us. we fight, argue and irritate people around us and we carry it, but think of a moment without that person in this world. Even if we wish we cannot show our love , anger or apology. So better not to carry on,especially in close circle. I often think about this when ever I get irritated with closeones. This may sound negative,but if we think, our anger will come down.
Keeping sharing ur views. thanks to parentree and to all. Good Bye.
This is the only fact for all human beings. We all are nothing and this life is not a permanent one. So better we need to be a good human being, help others or at least avoid troubling others. All the best Niro, I think U understood the life. Once again to tell that "be more flexible to enjoy ur life".
niro - I hope your problems will be solved soon enough. All the best.
Hi again Niro
I want to answer your question what makes the husband & wife relationship different from others like friend or anybody.We can talk all these general things with anyone.Answer-This is where the difference lies.We can talk with anyone about general things but be selective with husband.You can share here on parentree with me ,with your mother,or anybody.But while sharing with husband you have to be selective.I don't agree with the people who say husband can be a very good friend.Husband is husband,friend is friend.Both look good at their own place.I agree with hussain6 2nd para.My mother advised me also.If we show discomfort while he does something for his parents,husbands start hiding details.If you won't react to the situtions he won't take advantage.But you will be at safe side.I often reacted to the situtions.One of my friend advised me always not to react.The moment i lett reacting ,i'm at peace.Other person also don't disturb if you don't react.Earlier i used to cry always.I agree with rubu about talking less.
Now comes to MIL, i was the person who was having hate from MIL from the core of my heart.I wanted to go on island where i can see her face.But i started conversation with her.If a friend or neighbour hurt us we don't talk speak once or twice with her but after some time we start speaking with her.Why can't we with MIL. Nobody can deny that she raised the kid who is our husband.Atleast she put efforts to raise him.It's very difficult to love the MIL who had created so many troubles for you. But Maintaining a relationship with her is possible if we try.
My MIL.FIL,BIL behaved very badly with me in the past.I used to fight with my husband why they do this with me.With time I started putting myself at my husband's place if my brothers does the same to him & all the time he will complain me.I'm sure i will get irritated.So i stopped doing that & started igonoring.Now after more than six year of marriage.My In-laws have understood i'm better than my Co-sis.So God is there,He does everything at his own time .Only patience is required.
Pls. I wanted to go island where i couldn't see her face.
Sorry ,edit option is not there i make lots of mistakes while writing.
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