typical for indian household!! no matter how much the DIL sloggs its MIL who Rules the house !!!
i had to leave my job as my MIL informed she wont look after the kid 24*7, and as the grandparents need their privacy no maid shd be at home for full day.. evenings they cant be home looking after the kid but wud go visiting people and do all gossips under the pretext of "haal chaal puchane aaye hai". my kid did not settle at the day care i tried once she was 1 yr old ...her health deteriorated ..so fianlly i decided not to work. today my day begins with kitchen work .. the moment my kid gets up my mil fil goes out for morning walk .. i have to keep ready the breakfast for htem ... at times it so happens that the kid has not had anything but mil will never volunteer to feed .. i am the one who drops the kid to fro school, activity classes, i cook ,i feed, i clean , i make her sleep, i teach her, i take her studies, her bath potty everything ... my mil never ever volunteers .. she is on phone with her friends asking abt their grandchidren !!! it annoys me to no end -- there's a sweet child here in front of u and u r not bothered ... nad u r showing concern to that 3rd child
so NJ i feel no matter how annoying the mil cud be just feel happy at least she's interested in ur child. my mil fil will only praise the child so that they can continue to do their things without interruption
as i have stopped working shifting to another home will never happen for us! so trapped i feel .. u can at least feel free in office ..here i am being watched ..even while i am on computer they will peep as to what is on my screen --that too indirectly.
those in nuclear family r blessed!
mother247, Yes I feel those in nuclear families are blessed. I'm also not working anymore, have taken a break. And I dont have this problem anymore. but when I get back to work I dont want to give complete control to my mil again.. Anyhow now she has time only to look after her own health and do relegious work as her hobby. So I'm looking for options that can help me look after my kid as independent as possible without her or any family members help when I start working.....
The grass looks always greener on the other side.. Guess all working mothers have different problems regarding looking after their kids. Especially more difficult for mothers whose work timings are erratic-- like those in software...
Looking on the conversation of all, and thougt to share of mine. I am also a working mother and leaving my daughter at day care since my mother-in-law is NOT ready to take care of my kid. One way, I feel that leaving my baby at day care is good since my mil shouts at me if I come home a bit late this is when she was taking care of my kid for the first 15 days when I restarted my career and that is the reason I have planned to put her day care and did the same. But one good thing I appreciate my mil is she never allow me to cook as she dont like to have my preparation. Sometime it hurts but I usually take it in a positive way. Coming from office late evening and preparing food will be very difficult. Also it will be very hectic in the morning since I need to pack food for both (me and baby), make her ready for the creche, washing, feed her in the morning (for half a idly, it will take half-an-hour to feed my bab) etc., But one thing I feel guilty is whenever I find time in the evening, I will take her to a soup shop, or to a shop like coffee day, it is because my mother -in-law always make some problem if I go home early (that is a different story). This habit (taking her out) should not lead her to a bad habit. Why I feel is, now-a-days, whenever I pick her from creche, she shows her hand to the way (it is just opposite to the way to home) and she ask me to take to the shop. I am much worried.
Now, I am going to put her in a school and need to be early at home as I have to take care of my baby studies whatever my mil does. Sometimes, we need to compromise ourselves by thinking the positive of mils. But it is too difficult when the situation comes. So we need to be relaxed at that time by concentrating in other things and then think about the situation, This would help us live with a relaxed mind otherwise we will be in stress always. All mils are alike except very few. Who knows, we will also be like the mils now when we will become mil. I always pray, we should have a broad mind to accept things when we become mil. Hope this will happen J
Sharing on the forum like this, will give us some relaxed breath from the usual…
Now i tell you a experience and a solution which my two working colleagues have tried...and the outcome is just wonderful....
now take it this way...and imagine this situation... ur mother in law takes the baby in her arms and the baby refuses to go.... WOW.
Ur mil asks you to prepare the food and baby says " i want it from you"...
what my friends started doing was whenever they went back home they made sure they take some good eatables or small toys or bubbles..back to home...pampered their child a lot and than.... they did it for 1 month continuosly and now the outcome is Pooja(having twin daughters- 3yrs old) whenever go home her daughters ignore their grandmom completely and is continuosly after Pooja. One day her mil got frustated by this behaviour and things banged
my another friend payal(having 2 year old son) applied the same trick and than her son didnt wanted to go to her granny. whenever she tries to take her in lap..he continuosly asks for her mother...
try it may be uuseful
Since u r travelling to US i hope now you can get rid of MIL..
You new mothers are the perfect fit for upcoimg MIL's..
When I was working I was also doing the same as you,taking my son out after I come back from work-- as that was the only time I could get to spend alone with him. If I was at home she would show her presence before my son somehow.
Thinking about what to do next is stressing me a lot nowadays. I want to get back to work, but my work timings would definitely be erratic sometimes, as I am in the software field,,, and dont want to beg her for those extra hours. I can get into teaching in colleges, but need to have masters for that and will need to study for 2 years. So have to prepare for the entrance exam for 2013. Unable to study at home,, else need to study at night.. I need to find a suitable daycare, and figure to make that timings work, My son has food allergies and is on diet... If I have a full time maid at home, my mil will control her and use her for her purpose instead of ours....My situation is very complex because of my sons health.... Looks like is so hard to get back to work or study or do anything properly basically,,,,I feel so trapped...... ...
If i ever become a mil, I will never stay with my son. My mom and grandma were staying alone even after they got widowed. I'll follow their example. Dont want to be a kabab- mein- haddi to a young couple. The young couple should create they life and routine together,, should not involve or expect a family member to do this for them permanently,,though expecting some help now and then is ok... else it can create complex situations,,,
I'm not sure if that advice would have worked for my son during that age, he was 7 months at that time. But anyway I would have tried that. The only thing I feel is the repurcussions this can cause in the long run. How long can one continue with this strategy. The children may be conditioned to think of their parents as someone who just gives them whatever they want--- like toys at this stage...Many working parents mothers especially,actually fall trap to this ,, They want the affection of their child as they spend only few hours per day with their kid. So for affection they try the easy way out-- ie buy the kids whatever they want.
US trip is only for a month:-(...
After reading these posts i feel i'm not alone who feel trapped.Now my son is a grown up child 5 year 4 months old.When he was small she never took care of him.Even she shows me different colours of her when i was in hospital at the time of delievery.Sometimes she showed so much cooperation to me that it looks she want to become my friend then at other time she creates politics.When my child was 3 year old she said you do job i will take care of the kid.But that was to show my husband.She never remained at home.All the time My mil & fil remain outside of house. going gurudwaras,shopping.I'm not against any religion.But what is the use of so much religious practice when your kids are suffering & they become indifferent towards family.When their son is going through financial problems they should help me so that i can contribute at home.After all i will bring money at home i won't give to my mother or brothers,they won't need my money they have enough..
My child is so docile child & they are so young.active.Still they didn't take responsibility.My brother-in-law got married after forty days of my child's birth.From the day he got engaged she become mad for my sis-in-law.All the time She used to give extra care to her.My mil took care of her like a mother.She enjoyed the care from my mil 24*7.Even a maid can't work 24*7 with devotion like my mil does for her without complaining. I took care of my child without the help of any maid & slept sometimes hungry becoz body ache remained for almost 3 years after my baby birth.
This is my past.We should not go so much deep in past.At present she come to talk to me & show me that she is very cooperative.She says if you want to go anywhere tell me in advance i will plan accordingly.But what about taking responsibilty if i do job?Whenever she show me this cooperative nature.I got scared that there will be any reason.They leave me when i am in need of them.Nowadays i don't have maid even for cleaning.she never help me in anything,even never fold small cloth for me.I used to spend my own life in my own way.Whenever i told to my husband he started fighting.My sis-in-law never calls her after going to canada.My mil was all the time worshipping her when she was here.
Hey Buddies. All women are sailing in similar ships :-). Combained or nuclear family, it has its own plus and minus. Mine is a love marraige (with a positive nod from both the families), I have 3 yrs old daughter, I am a software engineer, in a nuclear family. From birth my parents used to take care of my baby. My FIL itself admitted that taking care of the baby is difficult. My inlaws just used to come over weekends to play with the baby till date. We all stay just 1 km in diameter. My parents inisted that I will not be a part of combained family. Initially we had issues but then it calmed down now. Once in a blue moon my FIL brings this issue, but still the issue settles down over the time.
What I am trying to say is, though mine is a love marriage (I knew my hubbby 8yrs before marriage) I had to face lot of issues wrt MIL/FIL. But over years, I am still trying to learn to forget and forgive things. Else we cant live happily.
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