Help me ! Who is at fault? Me/My hubby/My mother in law

12 replies, Page 1

sangeethak 2011-12-29 17:01:37


Dear Friends,

I am the regular reader/user of the parent tree. I read all the posts which normally addresses all my issues. Now I am having issue in my family and need your help/suggestions to get it resolved.

I am married for 6 years now and having two kids at the age of 4.5 and 2. I am a working woman in software industry. We are middle class and both of us have to work to manage the expenses. I am from joined family and ours was a big family. My was also working and my grandmother (mother's MIL) took care of us. Being with that background I expected my MIL to take care of me during my first pregnancy as my husband was away from me (as he was waiting for transfer to Bangalore). But my MIL did not turn up and I have to struggle alone. From that time onwards my grudge started. After giving birth to my son, I have return to work by leaving him in just 4 months. That time also I asked her to come and stay atleast for a month so that my son can complete 6 months. one month my mother will take care. After 6 months I can think of day care or maid. But my MIL said she needs to take care of her daughter and her daughter. Being a working SIL, I undersood and with my FIL and a maid I was able to manage my son. No one can take care of my son like my FIL.

I was asking my husband whether my MIL can come during my SIL daugher's leave. he did not respond anything. My SIL daughter came to bangalore and stayed here for one month. we need to take care of 3 kids. But my MIL went to her mother's place and never pays any visit to my sons. I always gets irriated whenever she tries to talk to my sons on phone. But I tried to ignore it by leaving that place.

Whenever I am asking his mother to come to bangalore, my husband shouts at me and he will not talk to me for a week or 10days. Then thinking of my sons and myself I will go and compromise with him.

Last week our maid left and I asked can my MIL come for this week as she is in the native. My husband got so irriated and shouted at me that why are you calling her anyhow my father is here to take care of the kids. my mother will not come. I also lost my temper and shouted back, how our sons know their grand mother? will you not aks your sons to go and meet her in the future? he said he will not ask. if you want you ask your family to support. From my side, my father is there. he stopped talking with me.

Now my questions are,

(i) We fought last week. Why he is not talking till today? - Is this right? I tried to ask him something. he just says yes or no

(ii) I also have some self respect. In office nearly 30 people listen to me. But I have to always listen to him. If I give back, he will not talk to me. I will only have to convince him. I really feel to run away somewhere and then only he will realise about me.

(iii) every morning he gets up before me and helps me in cooking. he only does lot of cooking. but for past one week, he does not bother what is happening. I have to work 12 hrsin office and morning getting up 5.30 in this winter is really difficult.

(iv) Though I have decided not to talk about his mother, my situation (suddenly the maid left and she can also come as SIL daugher is not having school) made me to talk about this.

(v) I am getting one onsite offer. I was thinking of leaving my kids at mother's place and go there.

Please suggest

sachpreet 2011-12-29 20:26:23


After reading your situation i think your main problem is " you are expecting from your mother-in-law." I have around 5 year old son.My mom-in-law live downstairs.Still she don't care.She is very self-centered.She has only interest in her clothes,fashion,socialising.Like you i expect her help in my first pregnancy .But she didn't turn up.And grudge began then.When ever i talk to my husband about this he only start shouting.Your FIL is taking care of your child.Atleast he is there to take care.In my case,If something good my FIL did for us,my  MIL got jealous & poisoned his ears.You have to take control on  your situation yourselves.

May be your husband understand the sitution.But he don't want to say anything to his mom.Because some moms do whatever they want to do without listening to their sons.As per my experience i can tell you some mom-in-laws want to live their own life.Why are you making your life miserable by expecting from her?



NJ 2011-12-29 23:16:53



One piece of advice for you "Never ever expect anything from a MIL". Do things independent from her. Even if she tries to help you, it actually would not make you happy, since she would do it her way, and not exactly what we want.. Actually be thankful that she is away from you.. I have one with me and I dont know what to do with her really..

Give your hub some time to get to himself.. Dont talk about your MIL to him in the meanwhile.

Is the onsite offer more important to you than your kids? Unless you have a chance where all of you can migrate abroad, I would suggest not to take this up.. But I understand the thrill of going abroad for many of us.. But would you really be happy there leaving your family behind, even if its your mother who is taking care of your kids...



dini 2011-12-30 06:34:49



In India we have the privelege of an extended family support options. it is not like this in other countrie. Your FIL seems to be doing more than required for your children Our children are first and foremost our responsilitiy expecting your MIL to contribute when she does not desire to do so is unfair.

You FIL and husband both seem to be helping you a lot which is a very positive sign. You must learn to appreciate this and learn to cope with the situation rather than concentrating only on your MILs behavior

Trust me in mumbai there are scores of working women who cope without any family support- you too will survive remain positive and keep thinking of people who are willing to help you. Forget your ego-  you may be boss at work but at home both  you and your husband are bosses.



mishymum 2011-12-30 08:18:01



honestly i have no idea how you can complain about not getting your MIL to interfere in your life!!

First of all you are very lucky when compared to people who live overseas and have no one to help even if they are on death bed! I work fulltime on a 7-day working week and my husband only works part time but won't help in cooking or cleaning up and we have no luxury of maids here so i work 40 hours at work and another 40 at home!! We have no family here and thats that! I have an 8yr old and a 4 yr old, and in this country we can't send children to school until they turn 5, which means i have been struggling with day care for 4 years now!

You should be prepared to survive on your own even when your husband, FIL or any maids are unavailable, as some one in this thread already said the kids are your responsibility. I am sorry my answer may sound blunt but everyone have their own lives, your mother in law has her own kids to take care of, she can't be forced to look after yours! by the way what about your own mother? why can't she take care of your kids? after all she is your mother? if you think your husband's mother has a duty of care for her son's kids well, same goes to your parents does'nt it?


sangeethak 2011-12-30 09:14:06


Thanks all for your suggestions. I understand, I should not expect anything and should be happy with the available help. But sometimes it comes out. Will try to work on that. Yes NJ. I can't leave my kids and go. it is impossible. When I am dejected i just thought about this.

Mishymum, my father is bedridden due to spinal chord problem and both my parents came here t help me. But due to this bangalore cold weather my father's condition became worsened and doctor advised not to keep him in this cold and my mom has to go back.

Anyhow i need to avoid expecting from my MIL.





SeethaRamky 2011-12-30 11:01:34




Revb 2011-12-30 12:37:06


Hi Sangeethak

First cool down.. and think.. .  To be frank.. no one is at  fault ...all are struggling and want to lead life their own way...Well said by NJ and mishymum.

The solution is "please do not expect anything from anyone"

Even iam a working mom and i have many friends who are working and manage kids and family very well... Now a days u have many choice of day cares.. who take care of  kids very well... those are especially structured in a way that is suitable for working moms.. pls leave this funda of MIL or FIL taking care of ur kids... ur kids u shld plan and take care in such a way that nothing gets disturbed..

As per u n ur hubby.. pls manage this relationship... its very tender and v imp for u.. pls do not compare office and home.. both are much different... co-workers or ur team members are different and ur hubby is different do not compare and spoil ur relationship. After coming home from work guys generally will not like to hear complaints or issues they will need a peace of mind at home.. so pls stop talking abt any of the Fly members.... spk abt office, spk abt personal things.. and if he does not like u speaking abt ur MIL pls avoid it. As we will have love & affection towards our parents so are they.. our Indian culture is like that.

So patch up with ur hubby and ur life will be b'ful.. think about ur kids before u take any decision in life...atleast till they are on their own.

Regret if any of my words hurt ur feelings..

Take Care



sangeethak 2011-12-30 14:22:15


HI Revb,

Thanks for your input. I am not comparing my office members and him. From the beginning he cannot take it if anyone (not only me) speaks against him or against his idea he will not be able to tolerate it. the only trait i should see. Most of the times, I was abe to adjust as I know this is his weakness. But sometimes, when I am down, I am not able to remind myself about this.

You are very right that 'Do not expect anything from anyone'




bujju2010 2014-09-10 16:45:32


All the comments are really good.
The same story with me too.
My MIL wants to take care of her daughter and her family only. According to her, a mother has to take care of her daughter only and not DIL. She even told this to me and my husband. As usual, no reaction from my husband. She would help her daughter financially also even though they are richer than us, but never spend for my family or atleast for my kid. Instead she pulls out finance from my husband as son has to take care of parents. My MIL is also good in playing mind games and acting in front of my husband as if she is taking care of my kid well. But in real, that does not. She always thinks of her daughter and her kid only.
Really fed up with the situation. No option, we have to manage.......

2459 2014-09-12 11:00:33


Hi Sangeetha,

I understand the problem, For MIL and FIL only daughters should be happy and son, DIL should suffer.
They talk logic with us. they can't criticize their daughters first of all.
I also have same situation, I have 2 SIL's in which they staty very close to out house, 
and how the expectation goes is my husband should take care of them and their kids, i.e my husband responsibility.
Even if my husband gifts me with dresses or etc.. they start spreading through out the family.
but the same they can't do for their SIL.
what a stupid logic.


2459 2014-09-12 11:03:34


Concentrate more on your kid, be least bothered of your MIL, the more you have concern the more smart they act.
as you are working save for you and your kid future.
Dont be dependent on anyone.
Husband also plays a dilemma role.


shilpagajendra 2015-03-27 14:36:27


i am also agree and thanks everyone this discussion is helping me as well. 
i think it good tht we are discussing i=this here because of this now i can think other way round and other side of these situations.
first of all everybdy should keep something secrete in there life. u know my hubby tells everything to my MIL and SIL and then when it is something good like buying policies for baby or buying some games for her , buying new cloths any electronic item. SIL becomes jealous. and then she turns this conversation in wrong path. bt if it is something which even she can take the advantage she will force us to buy tht though it is costly. 
i keep on telling him not to discuss everything with them lets see when he realise this



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