I never share my personal problems with all.I thought many times before sharing this.My husband gets irritated every now & then.He says you irritate me.I speak very less to him because he finds fault in every thing. I'm a educated lady it always hurts me.Sometimes I say what do you want from me,You find fault in everything.I have no communication with my in-laws since past 1 & half year.Pls.don't advice me to have good relation with my mom-in-law.I hate from that lady.Because she always poisons my husband's ears.Not only husband she poisons whole family's ears against me.As we have love marriage.They are very strict to their religion.They never adjusted me.She is very egoist lady.I feel she has made my husband very egoist.My husband is caring man.But he always remain irritated.At home he finds fault in everything in kitchen,fridge,living room.Because my in-laws are like this finding fault in everything specially my father-in-law.This effect has come on my husban.I don't want to do bitching of my husband.Last sunday we went on hill station.I said i want to take tea.He said you take.He didn't interfere in my tea.When he took tea later i wanted to take one or two sip from his tea.But he got angry .He don't want to share.These are very small things.But i feel he doesn't have a word of love for me.If we go outside,We share the food,spend the whole day happily.But he only know to stare badly to me.Respect & love are going from our life. I don't expect from him much.But sometimes expectations come, after all i'm a human being.I feel very neglected.I feel nobody loves me.My son is small.Even my son's indiffence towards me make me feel neglected.I have good looks,educated also.I does a lot for my family.Why he humiliate me every time.I have also mind.It's getting very difficult for me to understand him.
hi mam gdmng,
read abt ur problem n its clearly ur mom in law who is getting u into trouble,so u shld handle tis sensitive prob with utmost care as it is the stepping stone of ur future,if u can go away from this joint family it is well n gud if not god should only help u out,i will pray god to get u out of this problem very soon............................................................with regards
Thanks Phani Reddy
I tried to talk to him.But communication can't be continued even for 2 to 3 minutes.He don't like to talk.Those issues remain in my heart. He got angry.He says i got angry.I know he has financial burden on him.As i'm busy in raising child.He single handlely supporting us financially.He admit not verbally his mother did & she shouldn't do like this.I changed myself because we have control on ourselves not on other person.But he is my husband expectations comes sometimes naturally.I tried to understand his nature & speak very less.He don't want me to speak all the time.To understand the psychology of kids we read a lot.When the problem comes we try to solve it. I think he is having peculiar nature.How can i understand his psychology.My real question is :-How to live with the husband? He don't like to communicate.He want me to speak less.I told him i don't like interference all the time in the house.i have become habitual of this.Is there any blog or book to help me in understanding the husband's nature.I know same charm can not remain after some years.But there should be some amount of charm in relationship.He can not share even tea with me.He speak very politely to his parents.He gives respect to them.But why he speak always in bad tone with me.I also expect respect from him.
There is nothing like that.Even one symptom of this disorder doesn't match to him.One of my roommate was having this disorder while i was in hostel.You didn't understand my mail.Because husband & wife both have different personalities.Misunderstandings happen.Maybe I will be able to understand him in better way in many more years to come.
I feel sorry for you. Lot of women go thru this situation. Partially thru my personal exprerience, I can tell men are confused. They try to do justice by fullfilling the commitment to marry then they get into the loop of guilt towards their parents for not being able to fulfill their dreams of a dream bride & being able to choose someone they prefer. It does take a few years for some and lot more years for the others but hang in there and you'll get thru too. Like you nurtured your love before marriage, nurture your relationship after marriage. You have to be intelligent to figure it out. That's where a women's mind comes into play. Making and breaking is in the women's hands. I have a live example of my friend who in haste never went back to her husband and after almost 10yrs she's struggling to get back because of her kids and the growing challenges with her kids. As long as it is not life threatening. Be very patient and handle the relationship with care. Marriage is a relationship between 2 families. As long as you do not accept his family they will give you a tough time. Just for the fact that your husband loves his parents respect his choice and you will see a change in him gradually. Mine is a love marriage and I faced more severe situations than you mentioned, so I am able to advice you.
Thanks ISRA.But I tell you frankly now i got exhausted & it's difficult to make relationship with his family smooth.Hatred factor has developed.I have done a lot for his family & him even before marriage.I didn't give respect to my own mom & my family to marry the boy of my choice.There is somewhere guilt in me also.My In-laws specially mother-in-law always respected my sister-in-law( my brother-in-law's wife).She was always partial.Because my brother-in-law is having arrange marriage.Moreover my mom-in-law is very clever.She knows what to speak where.She always liked my sister-in-law.When my son born,I was in need of her.But she didn't help me.She poisoned husband's ears also.She helped my sister-in-law like a daughter when her son born.Day & night they take the name of God.What is the use of taking the name of God when they can't do justice with their daughter-in-law.Most of the time she poisons my father-in-law's ears.I gave respect to him like my own father.But my mother-in-law got jealous.Then do something to spoil the relation.
I can understand your feelings. I know when you are in the midst of such a situation nothing seems like an option and it always feels like a dead end. Just hang in there. The bad time will pass off. Just work on your relationship with your husband. Try to win over his love and confidence and do everything to make him happy. Sometimes, husbands change for their kids. So there is hope. Dont call it quits yet. Sometimes it takes a few years for husbands to change. See if you both can go for marriage counselling. Just keeping a low profile and staying quiet always helps. Patience is definitely the key. I know you are being patient but its always so easy to call it quits. But once you do that there wont be any looking back. World is very unforgiving. Especially when it comes to forgiving women. Been there seen that. Everybody do not get a second chance to make their life so what ever you do think 10 times.
I m just trying to understand you here..
1. are you living in a joint family? and not interactign with mil?
2. do you have any work experience? the first step to making a change is to change urself.. remind urself that you are worthy of love and respect and to pull up ur self esteem and the best way to do that is to start working.
u wud gain confidence, make friends, get ur own time, ur child wud get smart and value u more.., and most important when you stop running behind and stop revolving ur whole life around your basic need for approval from everybody, you would do urself good.
I hv been there, humiliated - i took a lesson, worked on myself, changed my priority in life.., lost lot of weight, used my own earned money to help the family and indulged myself with nice clothes and some funt ime with kid without guilt..LIfe is still a lil strained but I m very happy with my own set of friends and my life much more now.. Now I m more outspoken abt my needs.
So all you need to do is search for your inner strength.. Rest everything would fall right in place...
Hope this helps.
@ Rubu.It's joint cum nuclear family.My MIL is very passionate about her kitchen.When i was with her she didn't let me enter in kitchen.If i made good food.She started getting jealous from me.My husband is a nice man.Due to these family problems my relationship with him get strained.Now i don't speak with my in-laws,they don't get opportunity to pass taunts.Thanks for your advice.I'm trying to do all these things you mentioned.
I agree with what Rubu says..
You need to become independent---, find a job, study higher. Since your hub has financial problem, probably your working will remove his insecure feelings or frustration. Also I hope you are away from your in laws. Cook him some good/special food everyday. I read somewhere men need to be fed like children.. Most dont compromise on food. Looks probably will get you wedded, but to be in a happy marriage , looks dont matter.
Thanks NJ for uplifting my spirit.You are right.Sometimes past bitterness comes in the way.Leaving that past behind becomes tough for me sometimes like parent10 mentioned in one of the post.Forgetting those bitter things & engaging in something is the only solution.
very well written by ISRA..very true...you have got very matured understanding and a cream conclusion..as a wonen i really appriciate...tried to find ur email id so that we can share some more but dint get so droping on parentree only..
Even rubu has told true...rubu's advises will work really...
I too fscing the same problem but the solution ginen by rubu is very good , always remember try to be the nucleus so that electrons would revovle round u
OMG, I do feel for you... I think you should start work and get out of the house. The financial security will help you speak up and stand up for your rights.
Expectations are reason of all the problems.But how to live without expectations as we are human beings.A woman in the house don't have right to be respected when she spends whole life for the sake of husband & children.Why do husband want to do whatever he wants to do.Why it's in his hand to have another child or not.Why a woman give control of her life in others hand.Why a woman's life in other hands ?Why does a wife compromise in most of the situtions just to avoid fight.? If someday her expectation rises from family & in-laws,she invite big fight & disrespect for herself.No difference between a educated woman & illiterate woman.No difference between between a educated man & illiterate man when point of household issues come.
Why it is not so easy to die when it is so difficult to live?
Because you need to believe that you are a fighter dear. I m sure you are...
I would never never wanna die, cause it wud not improve the situation. its simply waste of time. I always pray for a long long life for me and hubby so that we can together raise our children.
U delve on the painful thoughts, not letting it go.. I do that too , but the real deal is to love with no selfishness in it...
So forgive your husband and let it out. learn to enjoy your life with ur kids. If you are unhappy unknowingly you would give out negative vibes to ur son and husband.
Sulking isn't helping anyone... Let it go, not worth it....
u are sulking, ur husband is sulking.. u hv ego, ur hubby has supersized one too and who is suffering? ur child...
my husband doesn't have much time for us, but i m sure he loves the children, if not me.. That is good for me.. I hv friends, and I hv cut back on expectations from my husband..and so has he.. rarely does he asks me anything now a days..i m sure that is his way of helping me..
As long as I can give a balanced life to my kids, wat more is needed.. as a mother we hv a duty towards our kids, which we can and we must fulfill...
I feel, if God has given us hands, feet and eyesight and health.. then we really can do anything in life. Keep ur chin up high..learn to live and learn to give.
If you believe in your lord, then believe that Our God is merciful and he is to test people, but he never ever gives anyone so much that he has to die.
NIP that thought off from ur brain forever... Look in the mirror u wud find a fighter sachpreet..
Yes i know i'm a fighter,We are trying for baby from past six months.He agree with me for 2nd baby when insisted him so much.The reason is distance between us.He has his own commitments at workplace,i have my own at home.I don't feel so there is any medical problem with me except calcium deficiency,severe pain in my ankles.I am from a small city.I have fought & struggled to go in metro city & work there before marriage. Then i fall in love with him & fought with my family for 3 years to get marry.My father is no more.How difficult for my mother to handle family pressure because of my delay in marriage.Then i came to non-metro city & left my job for him.Whenever i talk about his parents that they can take care of my son & i can work.Why did i left job for him.
He become furious to the extent,he himself don't have control on that.My in-laws always remain outside of house & enjoying their life fullest.I don't do even half shopping as compared my mom-in-law.The reason is she has time to take care of her feet to hairs.My husband has on control on her mom.He don't compel them for anything.In december her elder son & daughter-in-law is coming.She will be having no time for anything only to cook & feed them,
I know i shouldn't expect from my mom-in-law & i should take responsibility of my own actions.But it comes.
believe me u sound very depressed and filled of anger.
darling anger is something which burns only you. start loving inspite of people harming u. even im on the same boat. pissed off with husband and in laws...trying this mantra...dont know whether will be successfull or not...one thing im sure husbands are a stuff with whom u cant live nor u can live without them.
Since I’m a men (husband to a similar kind of family) so thought of sharing some points to you.. What’s your husband nature? not general characteristic I’m very particular about revenge attitude. I know every human being will have that kind but depending on severity of that nature their behavior reflects on daily activities, (e.g he will shout on road mates while driving when someone irritates him? Or he just comment about him to you and continue his job?)If so, then he will definitely finding faults on you on everything buz his beloved parents are neglected by you and he is thinking that you should suffer for that by the way you will not be peaceful like his parents. Getting to work, studies ,etc.. will keep you away from this problem but it will not completely\permanently solve your problems until you resolve your root cause of your problem. Every women in a family is working hard to bring their families (kids, husband, father, mother, etc..)that same goes with MIL also.. is it not? after getting married ,a son to a family will now take new role as husband to a new women and now its toughest situation to a men to balance two women now (riding two horse it’s very tricky and very conscious..by experience and training only one can learn)..now the actual problem in Indian culture is the two women will does not bother or understand the men’s role here , they simply think and drive the men for their desires. This is not only for love marriage well even worse in arranged marriage buz you don’t have opportunity to lead nuclear family. Women thinks that they are the only one suffering in family problems.. you know the fact really are men suffered a lot. A good example is their average life span is lesser than women since they keep their problems inside their heart & mind they won’t share their problem with everyone (trust me about their wife’s they won’t or can’t share with friends or anybody) you may think they share family problems with friends but really it’s not true. Women And Men are like south & north pole of magnet they can’t touch themselves but they maintain their position(face each other) up to some point if you try bringing closer they will turn and refract. Coming to solution: 1. Don’t take your husband words as serious. just think that he is crazy that time.. but don’t react (reply, face expression) to him. Don’t think you are inferior\coward if you do so.. actually you are avoiding the problems.2. If you have opportunity leave your husband and MIL alone for some time (1 month) and you spend your vacation with your family happily.3. Threaten your husband by showing your care and love to your children only. Don’t much bother even he is sick but this will create negative impact (but women are brilliant they can sense how it’s going with initial phase itself)
hmm a mans perspective is nice.
I already know few things abt my husband. He never forgives nor forgets, but adds to his greivances..
Neither does he talk much but he would definitely take revenge. If I say sth hurtful, I need to wait for that reaction to come stime soon or later. It would come with double impact or triple.
So now simple, let go of expectations. Do as best as you can.
I take care of his mom cause with time i hv learnt to admire her. No matter what, she is the one lady in my life who has inspired me to become so tough. I hv learnt so much from her.
you would be surprised what all you can learn from ur mil if you give urself a chance. Remember that even we women hv a tendency to take revenge. i hv a massive ego myself.. so i m sure my man is entitled to his.
I hv a simple policy that i follow.. if someone says sth good to you take it, if someone says sth hurtful - forgive and let go and if you do sth wrong, say sorry...
being responsible is important. from my end, i try to be responsible. i hv grown strong thanks to my husband.. independent thanks to mil..
the hurt pushed me to grow.. now things are cool. i live life to enjoy, yet i try to give as much as i can do and i m sure in the same capacity my husband gives a lot to me...
I stopped cribbing abt in laws totally. if i hv sth nice to say, i say else i shut up.
so what a wonderful concept from a male perspective. males have always excuses they cant share they dont want to share...bla bla bla...im fed up.why its always females have to change either this or that....i have never heard a male say that i want to change for my wife.
after marriage does the man has to go through so many compromises???
just imagine that man always gets love either from mother or wife..priority in both the cases is man only...
why this thing never occurs with female. she has to fight first as a wife than as a mother.
but yes i agree achpreet that start giving more and more and more and more love to all the family memebers. make them dependent on you and one day just withdraw from them... than they will feel helpless without you...let them than feel ur importance and enjoy that phase.... that will be the revenge...a beautiful revenge... revenge full of love...make them all so much dependent on you that they cant imagine their life without u...
I'm aware about males persepective.But as a woman i should understand males persepective only.Don't a male understand woman persepective.I know it's hard to listen about beloved parents.But why beloved parents don't understand this specially mom when she is partial between two sons & daughter-in-laws.Why should i bother for them when they don't bother for me.Why she didn't support me.when i was in need of her.How can i forgive her.When she want to enjoy her life.Why should i look after her.Don't you feel guys One can earn one's own respect.We are totally different in nature.She is snobbish,dominating types,Changes so many colors in 12 months.I was going mad in intial days & tried very hard to understand her nature.Now i left it.I don't have so much energy to understand this now.
Why the parternerships are in 80:20 or 70:30.I admit i said hurtful & he can be particular about revenge but atleast when a wife can control her anger,why husband can't. He is no doubt caring,responsible,loving husband & loving father.But I am the only person who become victim of his mood.Why can't he become victim of my mood? Why can't he bear my mood-swings. Why don't he speak in normal tone with his parents. As i have a son ,I believe son shouldn't speak badly with parents.but not with wife also.I am not enemy to his parents.Even i am a fun-loving person.But i can't forgive easily. I have done so much for him that i can't share over here.I stood with him even in his bad time before marriage,opposing my mother.Was not my mother loving to me then.Where is my place in his life in comparison to his parents.I took care of him more than his mother.I always saw partiality between two sons.
I agree with Rubu we women also have tendency to take revenge & massive ego also but still we have control on our anger.
I don't want to reigster male dominant factors here...Changes happen to everyone in every stages of life they have to adopt for it...i just shared what men thinking .. no gender can define which is correct or wrong until it hurts others it'll be good behaviour. charterstic of gender its all about gene as we evolved..to normalise that we have formed family,god,love,sharing,etc..
I don't want to debate with your comments .. i'm here to share my expereince to sachpreet to explain how men are thinking. You can't genralised every men are same that all depends on how be brought up and whom he is dealing with.
I completly agree with especially when you say husband & wife if someone is changing or living for another they should dedicate (even scarifice) their life.
Why it's not happening this btw many couples? buz there is some iner agony and frustration.
first 1-2 years after marriage there will be minimal issue within fmaily
3-10, this span is uppermose stage you will think "worst lifetime"
11-20, you will try to adjust by the time many of wife know their husband complete nature and they may fed up and stared living with their devil.
21 to end (like first 2 years)..best part in their lifetime as a couple.. they are dependent eachother (mainly men) so they can compromise for eachother.
Eveyone would like to get that best part from the 1st day of after marriage..very minmum percentage achiving this by the way the man brought in the society (mainly influence by their parent lifestyle)
Sachpreet: what is your final goal- love and peace at home or war and revenge at home/
peace and love comes with forgiving. Everyone has grievances, I m sure you have and same way your husband has...
Also let me tell you one thing for certain: that it takes 2 hands to clap.. without doubt, we all make mistakes.
but why is it imp for us to correct others first. lets keep ego aside and work constructively towards marriage.
Advices in this thread doesn't solve your issues unless your husband know about your expectations and change. Though you directly tell your expectations he may not able to understand or even listen. If he is not self leaned then someone has to do it. Parents are the best can taught him but in your case it's possible I guess.. So I suggest take a counseling with some wise man (don’t take any of your or his family member) I prefer psychiatrist I don’t know how your husband react . By discussing with both of you (best way to know what’s husband really thinking or expecting on you ) you two may get some good recommendation to lead your life happily (you may think I giving my best to him).I read an article, in one family they placed a suggestion cum appreciation box. All are welcome to drop suggestion or appreciation written (they said typing) on small paper for anyone in the family without mentioning their name if it is suggestion (to avoid biased thinking) and should mention if it’s appreciation. Every week or month it will be opened one will read (round robin) all the papers it’s up to them to consider the suggestions and definitely appreciation will be helpful to boost their energy (husband may not receive many appreciation still it’s okay as father or son).
By this way you can appreciate your beloved wife\husband, parents, children’s ,etc..and if someone is not even worry on writing suggestion or appreciation by seeing others they may start doing it..
Try if for a month if you wish.
Of Course Rubu i want love & peace at home.I started this,i admit.But you know frustation level when goes up,what happens.When i see my other friends earning 50k inspite of having small child,supportive in-laws then other moms whose one child is 5 year old another one is 3 year old,then i start analysing my situation.I know we shouldn't compare our life to others.But it naturally comes.Atleast something should happen whether job or 2nd baby.I start looking for job,arrival of another baby i left to God.In next August i will turn 35.The more i am running towards things,the more they are going far away from me.Yesterday i read some lines on FB which really gave me relief.I want to share
A person attracts what he or she is. The art of life is to sustain the feeling of the wish fulfilled and let things come to you, not to go after them or think they flee away.
I agree with Males perspective.But More or less male domination is also there in every family.I am sharing about my frustation & ofcourse he didn't share with anybody.
We have lots of difference in opinions,religion.Religion is first thing because of which conflict arises with his parents.I admit My husband is a very religious person.He is most religious son-in-law in my parental family .This quality he inherited from his parents.He adopted my religion more than i adopted his.I was also believer in his religion.I believe in the honesty of the person irrespective of his religion.But lost faith after what my in-laws done with me.All the time they remain in gurudwaras.Don't miss single opportunity of any religious activity.Can we do this all the time.God will give them more benefit than one who don't do much "paath." Whenever we argue i admit i first attacked his religion,then parents,then siblings which i shouldn't. Not writing so much here about his family & his parents because right now i am facing problem with husband.No need to mix two problems,only i will suffer then.
Pls. don't think anybody that I want to prove my husband wrong by sharing here my problem.Now i'm writing this with cool mind not in anger my husband might adjust with me more than me,He may dislike some of my habits.No doubt i have done more sacrifices for him than him.But love,sacrifices,emotions can not be measured.
Thanks all for suppporting me.Problem will remain forever......
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