What shud I do???

15 replies, Page 1

 Former member 2011-09-23 12:41:47

 

I am going thrugh a very bad phase...though married 4 last three years, I was able to be with my husband 4 4 months continously.After taht he moved 2 mumbai 4 Job,I cudn't as I m permanently employed in delhi...Even in 4 months my MIL had totally deteriorated my relationship with my husband. She is a widow very possessive abt his elder son...infact both...i have  a BIL also...I got pregnant and thot things vl improve slowly...Bt things worsened..I had 2 shift with my parents..gave birth to a son...I kept in touch with my husband.My MIL used to call me at her home,bt on occassions only like Diwali or any other pooja....My BIL was not getting married.My husband & MIL put d blame on me....taht since I m not living there,I m responsible...& my husband refused 2 let me be in Mumbai for maternity leave even.My BIL got married a year back...my MIL & husband were happy...He alllowed me 2 come to mumbai...I went there three times in last one year...Bt suddenly my SIL also left the house as my MIL is very possessive and keeps on teasing...Things changed again for worse...Now ven my three year old son has got idea of vat a PAPA is...recognises & misses him, my husband has started behaving in a strange way. He has become totally ignorant towards me n my son…He abuses me evry now n then..puts d blame on me for everything...be it d issue of my SIL leaving d house n everything…I am not able to understand..Shud I end d relation on papers or continue as it is?????Does ending d relation would have more bad effects on my son?? Even at present what is he getting????



viksag 2011-09-23 13:35:13

 

Whats the use of staying in a marriage like this. I think before taking any harsh step you should hav a serious talk with your husband. Tell him you are not going to take it anymore. He needs to choose either your MIL or you. However, you should also introspect and decide what is important to you in life.

Take decision wisely,

Best regards

Vikas

 

 

 Former member 2011-09-24 11:35:34

 

Thanks Vikas..My husband is least bothered if I end d relation..He never listens a word against MIL...Bt I am continuing 4 d sake of my son...with a hope dat he vl realise one day n my son vl have his father back.But,things are getting into my nerves. I am not able to understand. My son is most important for me. But leaving my permanent govt. job will ruin his future as my husband never provides any financial support to me.He is lavish in spending. He spends all he gets.no savings 4 future.

Anyway,Thanks 4 d reply.

 

uk2k 2011-09-26 03:45:56

 

Better ask him hefty alimony sometimes threats work....Sometimes you have to show assertivenes for your child..and if he does not listen better to dump him and carry on with ur life...Anyways better consult lawyer also and take steps to prepare for eventuality...

 


uk2k 2011-09-26 03:55:18

 

You can invoke Section 498-A(dowry, cruelty against woman)  under this section the parents, sisters and brothers are also thrown behind bars and that too ...with no provision for bail (except in case of women) this law works in favour of woman..use wisely for your benefit...

 

viksag 2011-09-27 14:47:09

 

I think you should file for a divorceand ask for alimony. If he does not care abt you and your son, whats the use of such a relationship? You are in good job and can take care of your family.

And one more thing, as far as the f not having a dad in ur son's life.. who knows there might be a better person you might come across in future and marry. Right now you are closed that option by staying married to such an irresponsible man.

 

 

dpkiran 2011-09-27 14:56:41

 

Take it slow....its easy to get away from a relationship.But then you should try hard to make up and see if there is any way you guys can settle it amicably than separating

 

1. Go for a 10 day vacation with your husband and sort it out

2. Leave the son with him for sometime so that he understands the importance of parenting

3. See if you can take help from someone close to your husband to explain the things

 

Eventually , separating is easy but @ what cost ???

 

thanks

kiran

 

Cherri 2011-09-27 18:33:23

 

I too think the same as dpkiran said.

if you want to separate, you can separate at any time.

if possible, try to do wt dpkiran said.

do not depress. be bold.

Good Luck.

 


 Former member 2011-09-28 09:41:27

 

Thanks Kiran. I have tried all sorts of things.My husband would never go on a vacation with me alone,without my MIL & BIL. I went to Mumbai thrice in last year bt I think he enjoys his bachelor life more than the married one..as far as parenting is concerned, I don't think I can leave my Son in his hands without me being there.

I tried 2 convince him thrugh his friends bt one day he seems 2 understand n the very next day he is back in his original abusive form putting all the blames on me...U didn't adjusted...U didn't take care n last option he gives me is to leave the job n shift with him if I want father for my son,which I can't do.

 

mickey 2011-09-28 11:53:45

 

 Hi drayur,

Very sorry to know your plight. Is there no option of you getting your job transferred to Mumbai for sometime  before u take the final call ?

Try staying with your  husband and MIL for some days. May be he doesn't want you to stay in Delhi. At this stage , u can't take the risk of  quitting your govt job,  so apply for a transfer and see how things work out. You definitely need to have lot of  patience to tackle men with such temperament. Don't take any hasty decision . Try to make him realize the importance of wife & child in his life. If possible take the help of any of his close friends.

Take care..

Mickey

 

 

 Former member 2011-10-04 09:47:38

 

Thanks Mickey. My job is non-transferable, fixed in delhi. Had it been transferrable, I would have surely tried for transfer. I think I won't be able to continue the contact with my husband now.Recently he was in delhi and on the ocasssion of my son's birthday,he asked me to sign an affidavit stating that we wre marrried and living together, he said that he needs the same for application for renewal of passport and visa. He now plans to move out of India.When I asked him what about me & son, he said you vl continue to be here. All this was done on my son's birthday. My MIL and BIL didn't wished my son on his birthday.My son was with me on that day & he kept crying alll the time...dat person was just shouting on me again putting the blame for my SIL leaving the house on me...Next day my son was telling my brother Papa mumma ko marte hn, dantate hn...mai papa ko marunga...I am really sad that my son has to go through all these things at such a young age.What was his fault????I am completely shocked by all these things I have signed the affidavit but still wondering how can any one use & throw me like dat. May be I am not strong enough to take legal action against him. I don't knw vat is going to happen but right now i m suspending all my contacts. What else can I do now??? I am tired of imposing myself and my little wonder on that person who does not value the relation.

 

VIDS14 2011-10-04 11:35:52

 

ths all sounds  so sad..i really sympethise wth u.... dont despair...hv faith in god....always remember...THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....

 


sark 2011-11-10 14:42:30

 

 hi,

      as vids told u will overcome it  very soon so no worries n more ovr be strong as u hav not done any mistake neither nor ur  tiny tot so be patient for sometime n concentreatenmore on ur tiny tot whos future is very important..........................................................................................with regards n prayers

                                                                                                                     sark

 

 Former member 2011-11-11 11:42:27

 

Thanks 2 all for their support.I am trying 2 concentrate on my angel....He weakens me at times when he asks for papa n says papa to aate nahi..but I now assume he has 2 accpt d reality...sooner he does...lesser problems he vl have...It took me 3 years to realise vat kind of person my husband is...n it wud be btr for my child not to go thrugh same things...be adopted to his love n suddenly it vl disappear!!! taht is d worst torture any one can have.

 

sark 2011-11-11 16:57:03

 

 hi drayur,

                  u r cent % ryt n clear n i pray god that  may god bless u n ur child with a gud life frm now on"............cheer up n be strong u can come out wid flying colors

 

AKumar 2011-12-04 15:53:59

 

Hi drayur,

I used to be in a similar situation a few months back and I can relate to all the blame stuff that you have mentioned. Sometimes, it would be 'you dont love me, you love your parents more'... other times... 'you dont understand me... you dont care for me... you dont cook for me...'

Well, your husband might have done all that to psyche you out or probably ease his own guilt if at all he is doing something wrong.That's my guess going by my personal experience. Oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved with another woman, I tried my best to persuade him to come and stay with me and the baby until I learnt the truth.

My baby is almost two years old. My parents used to stay with me until my child was 1 and able to go to a day care. Its been a year that I stay alone with my toddler, and trust me things have been good so far. I owe big time to the wonderful day care that I send my child to and some supportive friends who help me out in cases of emergency and most of all, to the organization that I work for... awesome work-life balance and some supportive managers who are aware of my situation.... And of course, my parents who come zipping by whenever I need them.

I keep wondering if I should have let go of my emotions and stayed within the marriage for the sake of our child. But then, what's the point in staying in a marriage devoid of love and subjecting the child to a hostile environment. Tomorrow, I'm sure that I would be challenged by my child's questions, but then I'm hopeful that I would be able to bring him up a better individual than I would if I stayed with my husband. Kids these days are smart enough to understand. I guess, we should just go with the flow and face things a day at a time.

If whatever you said about your husband is true and if you think you are upto face the challenge and able to support your child, in my opinion you should just move on. If you were to stay with your partner and try working things out, then its different, but if you are continuing to stay apart, you might as well separate legally.

Start life afresh and you will learn to appreciate the fact that God's just given you a second chance. Enjoy your life and make it worthwhile for yourself and your child. The more you close yourself out from the world, brooding over what's happened, then you go down. There are friends out here willing to listen and share their experiences as well. You will not find yourself alone.

Ok... I better stop since its getting a little too philosophical ;)

All the best drayur!!!

PS: I had shared my experience in a rather long post few days ago on this same site in a different thread. So forgive me, if you found this repetitive.

 

 

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