Dont know what went wrong betwen me and my hubby ? :-(

30 replies, Page 1

Parent10 2011-08-24 17:16:46

 

Dear All,

I have been an avid reader of the posts on this site and found solutions from ur guidance most of the time. But this time, I have come with a typical problem of mine.
To give u all a little background to my scene, I have been married for almost 7 years, had a very good relationship with my PILs till abt 3 years of marriage, though they always had ways and means to taunt me, but I used to ignore the taunts and not take anything seriously. So, things went well. When my younger BIL got married, tyrouble started brewing as at the same time I had my baby and quit my highly paying job and became a home maker to bring up my baby well. I had thot that once he gets older, I’ll resume my career again.
My BIL just after marriage resigned his job from our native placfe (where he was staying with my PILs) saying that this job doesn’t pay well. He and his wife came to stay with us. I welcomed them. Thing were very good upfront but somehow within things were not well. My co sis is a very shrewd lady who doesn’t say things upfront but manipulates behind the back. She is a non stop chatter box. I don’t know how she managed to do it but she convinced my PILs that she is running the whole house here and I am not doing anything at all, while in reality it was totally the opposite. I used to do all the work of the home apart form taking care of my little baby, which obviously left me with no time and energy to socialize and so my PILs thot that she is saying the truth as I don’t go abt publicizing my work while she used to tell e’one even if she did a small thing.
During all this while, my hubby maintained a “Ignore and forget” attitude abt all the things that were happening and he used to ask me to do tha same when I told him. He was of the opinion that since he is the elder one of the 2 brothers , its his duty to provide for all and so I should not be creating any scene. I was almost reduced to the status of a servant in my own house. Any decision that was to be talen up was taken up between my PIL s and my co-sis. I came to know only when things had happened. And on being asked abt why I was not told earlier, they wud say that they didn’t want to disturb me since I have a small baby. They wud always say nasty things in such a nice manner and smiling face that my hubby cuid never make out the real meaning. This started creating a lot of issues between me and him. My love filled married life came to the point where my hubby asked me to leave the house if I cant stay there adjusting with all that was going on.
Things went on to become worse and then finally one day my lid blew up after tolerating that insulting and horrible life for abt 3 years. That day, my PILs had visited us and since my FIL was getting retired, they were planning to shift and stay with us (making it a complete joint family) permanently. I thot it best to clear the airs once and for all since by that time, I had seen so much humiliation and also my married life with my husband had become hell due to all these issues. I brough each and every thing to their notice, but they simply refused to listen. My MIL and co-sis started crying and creating all that melodrama. My hubby too refused to take my side saying that his Mom is crying and cant see her crying. All in all, I was made the culprit. They moved out to a house just next to ours and went to stay there with my BIL and co sis(inspite of my requesting them to stay with us too). This created a lot of tension b/w my hubby and me. Finally, I resumed career and tried to focus on the positive things. Slowly, my hubby started to undertsnd the reality and our life started coming back to normal, though none of us forgot the past aso cud not completely fogive each other. Though both of us were making aconscious effort to improve things between us and they did improve.
But as luck wud have it, in the meantime, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and was hospitalized. The doctors gave up and told that she doesn’t have much time with her. I went to my Mom’s place and stayed there for abt 2 months taking care of her and my Dad, since my brother is young and not married. We two, (me and my brother) became their support system and now though we don’t know abt the future of my Mom since she is into Semi-Coma state, we have still tried to make life as much smooth for my dad as possible and we are also working with some ayurvedic treatments in the hope that my Mom might recover.
However, ever since I have come back, my hubby has started behaving weirdly. He find faults with e’thing I do. He gets irritated at everything I say or do. Doesn’t agree to anything I say. All in all my life has become hell once again. He again told me the other day that if I want to stay in this house, I need to stay as he wants me to or else I leave. He went on to the extent of saying that he is determined to make my life hell and make sure that I cry every single day for the rest of my life. I just fail to understand what has happened to him? I have been a fiercly independent person financially and can move out of the house on any given day w/o any financial constraints, but I know this is not the solution. I have to look at the future of my kid who is now 4 years old. Also, I cant give my parents (actually Dad and Brother) any additional tension at this time as we all are already tensed thinking abt my mom. Sometimes I feel that during the time I was away taking care of my mom, his family has seized the opportunity to poison him against me with all their emotional dramas.
My hubby is basically a loving and nice person, loving father and a good hubby earlier.
But presently, it seems he has been poisoned so much against me that he just hates me right now and cant stand me. Doesn’t believe a word of what I say. He even went to the extent of calling me a “B*&^$”. I was shocked as I have never heard him using this language for anyone, let alone me. This is simply not his style. I have tried to discuss it with him but of no use. He is just closed to the idea of having any discussions.
I am really depressed as I already have the tension of my mom and don’t need any more problems in my life right now…..pls help…I don’t know what to do …am really really depressed.
Sorry for the long post...but cdnt help it

goodmom 2011-08-24 18:15:33

 

Hi dear,

You do seem to have a lot of problems. I really am not a person to advice about this. But, in my opinion, if it is as bad as you say, and your husband just does not want to discuss with you, I think you should move out with your child. Even if you are able to hold on to your marriage, such huge fights between parents on a daily basis can affect your child very badly. It will also take a toll on your self respect and dignity in course of time.

This is just my opinion.

 

Parent10 2011-08-25 09:59:32

 

Dear GoodMom, 

Thanks for your reply. However,moving out is not possible for me under the present circumstnces as I cant give any more tensions to my Dad and brother who r already in to bad a shape coz of my Mom's situation. I cant risk giving them another reason be unhappy :-(      Though, I do appreciate ur concern.

 

mickey 2011-08-25 10:18:29

 

 Hi Parent10,
 Really feel sorry to know your plight.......

I feel you should take the help of a close friend  of your husband or some common friend of you and hubby whom u can take into confidence. He or she can talk to him and counsel him.  You can even ask your father to talk to him if that's okay with you.

May be your hubby is feeling that he has not been given proper attention bcoz you have been away for many days. So hang on for a few days and try to get it sorted out with a close friend or relative.  I know its quite challenging and you need to have lot of patience and capacity to endure.  Devote more time to your child when u feel depressed and  don't let  negative thoughts disturb you.  Be positive and iam sure you will soon find a way.

Walking away is very easy which u can do it anytime as u are financially independent. So give time for yourself and your hubby too and also see to it that your child is not affected by all the melodrama which your inlaws are creating. Keep him away from all this.

Take care...

Mickey

 


aanchal 2011-08-25 10:29:04

 

there is nothing worse than having a bad relation with your spouse. its quite disturbing to have so many negative things happening almost simultaneously in your life, that too without your husband's shoulders to cry on. for your husband to keep changing like this, it seems like he doesnt have a clear stance on issues. he softens when he listens to one side. its a very tricky situation to be in, as such gullibility can ruin your marriage forever. may be what you need to do is take a small vacation with him right now. go out to some nice place. difficult to do, but without any emotional baggage and burden. be giving and loving. show him how much you love him and cant live without him. show him how things changed ever since your co-sis came into picture and that your PILs were happy with you before that. dont give too much of explanations. for a reasonable man, small hint is enough. for an unreasonable one, no amount of explanation works.

may be he is going through a rough period himself, either in his job or relation with parents. give him and yourself some more time before you opt for separation. parental fights have negative effect on kids, i agree. but separation has worse effect. practically and emotionally its very difficult to raise a kid as a single parent.

to an independent woman, it may not look like a dignified idea, but to save your marriage (if thats your intention in the first place), you need to melt a little bit towards him. you dont need to succumb to absurd blames by your inlaws. with them be firm,yet gentle. from your post i am getting an idea that you are not the kind of person who handles problems then and there. you have a tendency to tolerate and absorb until your limit is reached. thats not a good approach. you should handle the problem the moment it arises. handle it before it becomes bigger. be diplomatic (doesnt mean manipulative). straightforwardness, truthfulness and clear-cut behavior will take you no where in your relationships. little bit of diplomacy is required, even to handle your own kids.

patience and honesty are virtue, but dont let them become your weakness.

i am extremely sorry to hear about your mother. i know a very good ayurvedic doctor in dehradoon, who is a cancer specialist. he has been awareded several honors for his work and success in cancer. his name is balendu prakash. may be he can help.

hope everything works out fine..take care

 

 Former member 2011-08-25 10:41:07

 

 I THINK PARENT10 that u r going to the worse situation in ur lif e.... i think u need time with ur husband i can request u if u can just spare some time.. u and ur hubby with ur kid can go to near by some hill station may be lonaval a.... khandala ... try to talk to him.. and i think u should first see ur marrraige should not cost all this.......i wish u a good luck... i am sure ur hubby will not come if u vl tell him directly so may be tell him some of ur friend have gifted some coupons for a trip to so and so place.... and its absolutely free. he will definately think of that .. and will join u...keep patience and talk to him.. and while returning from the trip of u feel..... that ur hubby has totally agree with u.. then u can tell him this was not a gift by aNYBODY .. but i wanted to tell u how much i loved u for my life.... good luckk.

 

Meghz 2011-08-25 12:00:02

 

If your parents stay in the same town... move out to their house with your son, you and your husband should take this as a break to think through your relationship and if yo want to continue together. Before you move out, explain what your issues are (without losing your temper). As for your parents, you dont hv to tell them that you're on a break from hubby dear. Tell them you want to be with them for mom!  And one very very important thing -- your parents would be much happy if you r with them and happy rather than married and miserable! God willing everything will sort out and good sense will prevail on all involved. But even if you hv to seperate from your husband, it will be painful for only a while... time is a great healer.

 

 

Neethi 2011-08-25 16:02:41

 

Hi Parent10,

 U seem to be in the rough sea..I still feel u shoudnt lose hope..I have had a similar experience in my life...Just wanted to share....I was close to a family friend..gave her the liberty to stay at my place..was kind to her...and then finally one morning she stabbed me...She told me that my husband cared for her....got her things while she needed...indirectly she meant to say that my husband was interested in her...It was a false accusation...Human mind is terrible...we tend to believe things easily...I mean the negative....I had a huge showdown with my husband...I started hating him...lot of negative energy had occupied my so called pleasent home....

I had sleepless nights...Everyday was a nightmare...The time after sunset was reserved for fights...Weekends?dont ask me...They were terrible....I wished Sunday never existed...I lost my peace..my cool..everything....I didnt bother to clear the air....I was feeling terrible..lonely..disgusted...I was in tears most of the time...Iam extremely sensitive...and thats how this issue broke me...

Then as days passed by I questioned myself how fair it is to believe someone to this extent?I threw the friend out of my life and  out of my world...I tried to calm down...Time heals everthing...Things started falling in place...I learnt some important lessons frm life..

People r wit u only wen they need u n not otherwise..

Extra care of anyone by u wil ultimately bring blame for u not appreciation..

A simple lie of ur close 1 can break u more than anything...

Ultimately help people but not beyond the point of ur dignity.....................

The last point which i mentioned is v v crucial...So Parent10,I would request u to give ur relationship some more time....Time heals wounds..Believe me...Forget the bitter things of the past....Forget ur sister in law....focus on ur hubby....U Both can meet somewhere in person...probably a park or a temple...discuss things..work out a plan....Please dont spoil ur relationship because of a third person...Give urself time...Iam sure u wil suceed...All the v best............

 


N5mom 2011-08-25 17:48:08

 

walking away is easy for you, as an independent person. but that is not the solution, as you said. really good, really positive thinking. i appreciate that and support it.

 

you hubby is good natured person, in general. only few situations made him to behave nasty to you. ignore it. in tensed life this happens. you must understand this.

 

status quo is not going to benefit in long term. you must have cure the wounds or in future it will all come up again. so how could you cure the relationship, is the main question. i would suggest to take help from a common friend who is understanding / caring for both of you. ask him to talk to your hubby indirectly about the tensed relationship and to improve it. consider the suggestion given by krishna07 as well. this all make up the start of the heeling process. but this is not the actual remedy.

 

for that you must have to go to a councillor, to make your reation strong.

 

give this some time and you will come strong at the end. you will have what you deserve. best luck.

 

Cherri 2011-08-25 18:46:04

 

Hi Parent10,

I knew it is easy to say. but when it comes to practicalility, things may not work as we all said.

Waking away is very easy which u can do it anytime as u are financially independent. So give time for yourself and your hubby too

take the help of a close friend  of your husband or some common friend of you and ur hubby whom u can take into confidence. He or she can talk to him and counsel him. It may or may now work  as, few men think -vely , when you take friends help to settle the issues between you both.  But put all your efforts to survive your family life.

if your husband listen to your common friend, that will be good.

atleast if your common friend convience your husband to visit a good family cousilor, you both visit them and reslove your issues.

if you want to save your marriage,do not  talk -vely abt your in-laws before ur husband. do not argue on anything. by this , ur husband ego may be satisifed (may  be..............). I think you have to live like a deaf and dumb lady for some time.

I know its quite challenging and you need to have lot of patience and capacity to endure.  Devote more time to your child when u feel depressed and  don't let  negative thoughts disturb you.  Be positive and iam sure you will soon find a way.

keep it mind that you are not alone. when your son is with you, whom else you need.
and also see to it that your child is not affected by all the melodrama which your inlaws are creating. Keep him away from all this
 

Good luck.

 

N5mom 2011-08-26 03:59:36

 

cherri.... very valuable tip in para... 'if you want to save your marriage life'

very good

 

Parent10 2011-08-26 09:51:51

 

Dear Friends,

 Thank you very much for all the valuable suggestions and advice given by you all. I have already started implementing most of it. Actually, as u all rightly said, walking away is easy but maintaining and nurturing is dificult. And I want to make my marraige work coz he is the same guy who gave me some of the most beautiful memories and times of my life, including my son who is a darling, though i cant realy say so abt the present times

@Aanchal: U rightly said, i dont handle problems there and then. I try to ignore  and absorb to maintain peace. Here also, i blew up only when things went too far and were too much for my patience. Will keep your point in mind and will try to nip the isue in the bud only now on.

Friends: I have started to follow what u all have suggested. I am giving the relationship more time, though as Cherry advised, I have become Deaf and dumb. I am hardly speaking at home these days, saying out only the bare minimum things. We are maintaining a good stance in frontof our son, but in private, we are not speaking to each other. Though I m not sure, if he might undertsand this co i have a feeling taht he is interpreting it as my ego and is getting further adamant.

Unfortunately, the involvement of friends is not possible coz he is a very private person and am sure is not going to even like the idea of splittin the beans to any of his/common friends, so i guess I'll have to wade through this al by myself....

I have gathered a lot of courage and motivation from all of you...thanks a lot for being such a strong support system...

God Bless U All.....  

 

 

Expertincn 2011-08-26 13:11:47

 

 Dear Parent10,

Your life is really going through a very hard phase. In these times the mind also stops working and it is hard to find the way out of all types created problems.

For me I would suggest your husband is being poisoned by your in-laws. But as he loves his family you cannot convince him against them. So try to bank on the positive things you have. Like your kid and your love for him.  If you will try to confront him verbally then it will lead you to no where as it will result in arguments and bad mouthing. Instead try to write a letter not conveying your negative feelings against his relatives but about your positive memories and love which you used to share with each other. Try to write about how bad you are feeling when he is not with you. Try to celebrate small moments with him like making favourite food or snacks for him. Start going on morning walks together, start the day together with a cup of tea together. He will for sure will change again. If his parents can turn him in their side you can also win him back by love. And slowly but gradually he will understand that he is doing wrong and you are not doing bad with him.

I agree that you would be equally tense about your mother. You can still manage to take care of her without coming to the knowledge of your in-laws. It is really a very hard time for you. But by little patience you can flip the life to your side. You have left nothing to loose at your husband's end . You have to win him again.

Patience and time is the cure of every issues. Have faith, patience and cool mind you will win your husband back as only you in this world has a symbol of his love that is his child and nobody else have it.

Be brave and smile. And may God bless your mother.

 

N5mom 2011-08-26 14:26:57

 

really good tips raised by Expertincn...

start by writing a personal letter to ur hubby... you have a really good writing skill; use it. never ever mention negative things or bad past experiences. rather fill the letter with how u were lonely before meeting him and happy after meeting him.

after giving the letter try to avaoid looking straight in his eyes (atleast for 3-4 days). try to converse minimum. it doesn't mean, you have to ignore him; but something like showing respect (keeping your eyes-head down), like they use to show in old hindi movies.

i would suggest to write more letters on regular basis.

 

Vibvin 2011-08-26 17:23:37

 

Hi,

Its easy to break a relationship but very difficult to maintain it. its going to be a huge task for sure. Buit keeping silent and not speaking will surely not help. I believe you should speak normally at home as if nothing as happened, 1) it will not traumatize your kid, 2) Your husband will mellow down and probably open up for a dialogue. No matter what parents and siblings will always be close to his heart as he has grew up with them, he cant show his anger to them as much as he can show towards you. Whether we accept or not, wives are surely taken for granted. As some of them rightly mentioned it might have hurt his ego when youwent against him. Let;s not punish him for what his parents and relatives did and spoil our lives. mention it to him if necessary the incidents as we speak abt day to day current affairs and leave it at that. he cant possibly fight with them. Nor can we expect PIL's to change at this age. So leave out the negativity with PIL's outside the threshold of your house and behave normally with yoru husband. It is indeed difficult for them to handle such stuff, so wives being smarter let's take control of this situation.

Wish you a happy married life.

 

Madhukarg 2011-08-26 20:38:11

 

 Dear Parent10

    I think both your hubby and PILs have not been updated about the latest law called "Domestic Voilence Act". It is high time you meet a good lawyer. 

Rgds

 

Gayathrisury 2011-08-27 15:04:07

 

Prayer alone helps. so keep praying & chanting. The vibrations in ur place needs a thorough change. so only prayer alone can produce that kind of vibes.  Dont worry, its a passing phase!

Best of luck!!!

Gayathri.

 

sachpreet 2011-08-29 05:15:36

 

Hi Parent10

I read your post earlier also.I'm totally agree with the advise given by Aanchal.You have to be diplomatic.Sometimes truth,straightforwardness,honesty these virtues take us nowhere.You have to be strong emotionally. As you are worried about your mom,i think somewhere you are expecting same emotions for your mother from your husband.Don't expect too much from your husband.It may be or may not be your in-laws have been poisoned his ears.He can also think that you were at your mother's place for two months,your father poisoned your ears.But why are you thinking about this so much.May be he is having problems at his workplace.Give me answer of the question "Is anything new you are facing"Many women have problems either with  their husbands or inlaws or with both.

Try to spend more time with him & take care of your mother also.Your husband should not feel ignored.Sometimes when a wife spends her whole time to look after her baby ,then also in some cases husband start feeling ignored.I'm agree with Vibvin advice also.He can't fight with them.In-laws cannot be changed.Only we can change our attitude.Don't let anybody to come between you & your husband.Keep their taunts,insult out of your relationships.It's difficult to do,but not impossible.

Wish you a happy married life.

 

uk2k 2011-08-29 15:23:24

 

One thing is clear Parent 10 that words of your inlaws is gospel truth for him..the point i can infer is that they are jealous of you since you are financially independent....just do not speak anything about his parents at any cost....honestly your hubby views will never change even if you are right...so you have to adjust and be diplomatic and try to make your husband feel of the work you do....unless and until you bring your contributions he will not realise and mostly you have your son whose future is at stake...go for a short trip discuss about your sons future...his education, financial security, upbringing...make him realise the importance of his family in which you are dependant on him .......do not show your financial independence men do not like that......i am very much sure the more you emphasis on your son he will mellow down soon.....

 

uk2k 2011-08-29 15:27:15

 

Kindly do not think of breaking your relationship for your son future itz not a good idea...........

 


viksag 2011-09-23 13:53:17

 

You need to give some time to this relationship. Wait for that right moment when a person is vulnerable. Tell him you love him the most. Ask him what does he needs from you. Instead of blaming him ask him what can be done to start over again. And you have a kid., no dad would like to be away from his kid. Igonore what you inlaws say or do for some time. Its only when we react verbally or emotionally then the other person feels victorious. Don't give them chance.

I pray for you.. Good luck.

 

 

 

uk2k 2011-09-26 04:06:35

 

You can invoke Section 498-A(dowry, cruelty against woman)  under this section the parents, sisters and brothers are also thrown behind bars and that too ...with no provision for bail (except in case of women) this law works in favour of woman..use wisely for your benefit...

 

friend4u 2011-11-15 00:41:35

 

hi parent10,

even i am going thru similiar situation.. inlaws spoiling hubby's mind against me.. cant help that. Its just that they cant accept that someone else can fill their place in his heart. They are jealous of you and since they are not living with their son, they want ur life to be happy with him either. They just dont realize that in turn they are ruining their own son's and grandson's life.

wives and DIL's are always expected to bear al the expectations of hubby and inlaws.. its sad that in present day also we suffer like this.

my advice would be, dont let ur hubby know that u r helping ur parents regarding ur mother's health. STAY with ur hubby whatever happens.. staying away from hubby gives them a chance to fill poison against u.. dont talk anything abt ur inlws or parents, just abt ur son and u and him.. just be urself.. express ur love to him, dont expect that he wpuld return it immediately.. but it pays in long run.

all the best!!

 

Parent10 2016-08-09 11:39:54

 

Hi All,
  
   First of all, a very lovely hello to all of you.  I was an active member of this group quite a few years back. 

Probably, some of you might have read my earlier posts. But then, I kind of got lost for some years when I decided to take hold of things in my hand and build my life again, so lost touch with the forum here.

But today, I come back here, not to vent or speak about miseries, but to thank all of you here who had supported me in some of my worst times. I really, really appreciate this form and the members here (I remember the names of some of them, Anchal and Sachpreet, sorry, others I don’t remember the names, but I am equally grateful to you all) who became my pillar of strength in my testing times.

I would not say that my life today is a bed of roses, but my life today is definitely a lot better and sane than I could have imagined at that point in time.  I would definitely like to say that PLEASE DO NOT LOSE HOPE AND CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

At that point in time, I decided to take control of things for myself and my child. I was determined to do the best of things for him, whether they are liked by anyone else or not, including my husband. I became completely deaf and mute for my inlaws and their family. I started doing what I felt was right, though I had to face lots of opposition. Unfortunately, during all this time, I lost my Mom to sickness (she was terminally ill). I was devastated but it made my resolve even stronger.

Long story short, today I am not even on speaking terms with my inlaws, but I have a beautiful life beyond that. I had taken up my job back, worked hard through it, got into a enviable position back in my new company and focussed on my child to nurture him. With my husband, I maintained a “acquaintance†relationship, where I am there as a “friendâ€, but not as a wife till you learn to respect me and treat me as an individual who has her own mind and wishes, which need to be acknowledged and accepted, if justified. I showed him the reality of things not through words, but through actions and their consequences.  When he saw me not giving up and not relenting either, he wanted to give our kid a good future too. But he had to put in his own share of hard work, before he gained my trust and love back.

The journey was definitely long, tough, heart-breaking and in no ways memorable, but I held on the path for my child’s sake. And now, after 5 years, I am glad to say that I am in a very good place â€" my then toddler child is turning into a confident, happy and friendly young boy, my husband has finally realized the realities and is now a very caring, nurturing and loving husband (though, he is still very much attached to his parents, but doesn’t let that impact me or my kids in anyways, keeps the 2 things separate).

All in all, I would again like to thank you all for the support and the feeling of power that I got form this online forum. Keep up the good work , ladies. I shall try to be a regular contributor now on so that I can , may be , help someone the way others helped me. Last but not the least, DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE.  Being patient is good, but don’t let that kill your self-respect and confidence.

May God Bless you all.


 

RoshMom 2016-08-09 11:54:27

 

Hi Parent10, Good to hear an update from you. That's a great news. Hats off to you for your determination, confidence and making it happen. Best wishes.. 
 

Parent10 2016-08-09 11:57:21

 

Thanks Dear....and glad to be back in touch with you all :-)
 

Muddassir 2016-08-10 01:05:11

 

Happy for you! May God bless u!
 

 Former member 2016-08-10 10:36:54

 

Your courage, despite so many odds is very inspiring, Parent10. Thank you for the update. 
"Do not take shit from anyone" ...this should be written in bold letters on the mirror of every woman. 
I learnt this rather late in life, but I am very glad to have finally learnt the lesson. 
Wish you all the best Parent10. 
 

Parent10 2016-08-11 05:59:16

 

Thank you Muddassir and Joeysmom. It has been with the help and wishes of all the loving people I have been blessed to have in my life, including the ladies here.
God bless you all.

 

Bhans 2016-08-11 16:24:39

 

Hello Parent 10, I was reading the entire discussion thread and finally very happy to hear from you that you succeeded. 5 years and you still had that patience to handle things. Wow, amazing it is. God bless you with loads of happiness and peace. Chhers Bhanu
 

 

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