You do seem to have a lot of problems. I really am not a person to advice about this. But, in my opinion, if it is as bad as you say, and your husband just does not want to discuss with you, I think you should move out with your child. Even if you are able to hold on to your marriage, such huge fights between parents on a daily basis can affect your child very badly. It will also take a toll on your self respect and dignity in course of time.
This is just my opinion.
Thanks for your reply. However,moving out is not possible for me under the present circumstnces as I cant give any more tensions to my Dad and brother who r already in to bad a shape coz of my Mom's situation. I cant risk giving them another reason be unhappy :-( Though, I do appreciate ur concern.
Really feel sorry to know your plight........
I feel you should take the help of a close friend of your husband or some common friend of you and hubby whom u can take into confidence. He or she can talk to him and counsel him. You can even ask your father to talk to him if that's okay with you.
May be your hubby is feeling that he has not been given proper attention bcoz you have been away for many days. So hang on for a few days and try to get it sorted out with a close friend or relative. I know its quite challenging and you need to have lot of patience and capacity to endure. Devote more time to your child when u feel depressed and don't let negative thoughts disturb you. Be positive and iam sure you will soon find a way.
Walking away is very easy which u can do it anytime as u are financially independent. So give time for yourself and your hubby too and also see to it that your child is not affected by all the melodrama which your inlaws are creating. Keep him away from all this.
there is nothing worse than having a bad relation with your spouse. its quite disturbing to have so many negative things happening almost simultaneously in your life, that too without your husband's shoulders to cry on. for your husband to keep changing like this, it seems like he doesnt have a clear stance on issues. he softens when he listens to one side. its a very tricky situation to be in, as such gullibility can ruin your marriage forever. may be what you need to do is take a small vacation with him right now. go out to some nice place. difficult to do, but without any emotional baggage and burden. be giving and loving. show him how much you love him and cant live without him. show him how things changed ever since your co-sis came into picture and that your PILs were happy with you before that. dont give too much of explanations. for a reasonable man, small hint is enough. for an unreasonable one, no amount of explanation works.
may be he is going through a rough period himself, either in his job or relation with parents. give him and yourself some more time before you opt for separation. parental fights have negative effect on kids, i agree. but separation has worse effect. practically and emotionally its very difficult to raise a kid as a single parent.
to an independent woman, it may not look like a dignified idea, but to save your marriage (if thats your intention in the first place), you need to melt a little bit towards him. you dont need to succumb to absurd blames by your inlaws. with them be firm,yet gentle. from your post i am getting an idea that you are not the kind of person who handles problems then and there. you have a tendency to tolerate and absorb until your limit is reached. thats not a good approach. you should handle the problem the moment it arises. handle it before it becomes bigger. be diplomatic (doesnt mean manipulative). straightforwardness, truthfulness and clear-cut behavior will take you no where in your relationships. little bit of diplomacy is required, even to handle your own kids.
patience and honesty are virtue, but dont let them become your weakness.
i am extremely sorry to hear about your mother. i know a very good ayurvedic doctor in dehradoon, who is a cancer specialist. he has been awareded several honors for his work and success in cancer. his name is balendu prakash. may be he can help.
hope everything works out fine..take care
I THINK PARENT10 that u r going to the worse situation in ur lif e.... i think u need time with ur husband i can request u if u can just spare some time.. u and ur hubby with ur kid can go to near by some hill station may be lonaval a.... khandala ... try to talk to him.. and i think u should first see ur marrraige should not cost all this.......i wish u a good luck... i am sure ur hubby will not come if u vl tell him directly so may be tell him some of ur friend have gifted some coupons for a trip to so and so place.... and its absolutely free. he will definately think of that .. and will join u...keep patience and talk to him.. and while returning from the trip of u feel..... that ur hubby has totally agree with u.. then u can tell him this was not a gift by aNYBODY .. but i wanted to tell u how much i loved u for my life.... good luckk.
If your parents stay in the same town... move out to their house with your son, you and your husband should take this as a break to think through your relationship and if yo want to continue together. Before you move out, explain what your issues are (without losing your temper). As for your parents, you dont hv to tell them that you're on a break from hubby dear. Tell them you want to be with them for mom! And one very very important thing -- your parents would be much happy if you r with them and happy rather than married and miserable! God willing everything will sort out and good sense will prevail on all involved. But even if you hv to seperate from your husband, it will be painful for only a while... time is a great healer.
U seem to be in the rough sea..I still feel u shoudnt lose hope..I have had a similar experience in my life...Just wanted to share....I was close to a family friend..gave her the liberty to stay at my place..was kind to her...and then finally one morning she stabbed me...She told me that my husband cared for her....got her things while she needed...indirectly she meant to say that my husband was interested in her...It was a false accusation...Human mind is terrible...we tend to believe things easily...I mean the negative....I had a huge showdown with my husband...I started hating him...lot of negative energy had occupied my so called pleasent home....
I had sleepless nights...Everyday was a nightmare...The time after sunset was reserved for fights...Weekends?dont ask me...They were terrible....I wished Sunday never existed...I lost my peace..my cool..everything....I didnt bother to clear the air....I was feeling terrible..lonely..disgusted...I was in tears most of the time...Iam extremely sensitive...and thats how this issue broke me...
Then as days passed by I questioned myself how fair it is to believe someone to this extent?I threw the friend out of my life and out of my world...I tried to calm down...Time heals everthing...Things started falling in place...I learnt some important lessons frm life..
People r wit u only wen they need u n not otherwise..
Extra care of anyone by u wil ultimately bring blame for u not appreciation..
A simple lie of ur close 1 can break u more than anything...
Ultimately help people but not beyond the point of ur dignity.....................
The last point which i mentioned is v v crucial...So Parent10,I would request u to give ur relationship some more time....Time heals wounds..Believe me...Forget the bitter things of the past....Forget ur sister in law....focus on ur hubby....U Both can meet somewhere in person...probably a park or a temple...discuss things..work out a plan....Please dont spoil ur relationship because of a third person...Give urself time...Iam sure u wil suceed...All the v best............
walking away is easy for you, as an independent person. but that is not the solution, as you said. really good, really positive thinking. i appreciate that and support it.
you hubby is good natured person, in general. only few situations made him to behave nasty to you. ignore it. in tensed life this happens. you must understand this.
status quo is not going to benefit in long term. you must have cure the wounds or in future it will all come up again. so how could you cure the relationship, is the main question. i would suggest to take help from a common friend who is understanding / caring for both of you. ask him to talk to your hubby indirectly about the tensed relationship and to improve it. consider the suggestion given by krishna07 as well. this all make up the start of the heeling process. but this is not the actual remedy.
for that you must have to go to a councillor, to make your reation strong.
give this some time and you will come strong at the end. you will have what you deserve. best luck.
I knew it is easy to say. but when it comes to practicalility, things may not work as we all said.
Waking away is very easy which u can do it anytime as u are financially independent. So give time for yourself and your hubby too
take the help of a close friend of your husband or some common friend of you and ur hubby whom u can take into confidence. He or she can talk to him and counsel him. It may or may now work as, few men think -vely , when you take friends help to settle the issues between you both. But put all your efforts to survive your family life.
if your husband listen to your common friend, that will be good.
atleast if your common friend convience your husband to visit a good family cousilor, you both visit them and reslove your issues.
if you want to save your marriage,do not talk -vely abt your in-laws before ur husband. do not argue on anything. by this , ur husband ego may be satisifed (may be..............). I think you have to live like a deaf and dumb lady for some time.
I know its quite challenging and you need to have lot of patience and capacity to endure. Devote more time to your child when u feel depressed and don't let negative thoughts disturb you. Be positive and iam sure you will soon find a way.
keep it mind that you are not alone. when your son is with you, whom else you need.
and also see to it that your child is not affected by all the melodrama which your inlaws are creating. Keep him away from all this
cherri.... very valuable tip in para... 'if you want to save your marriage life'
Thank you very much for all the valuable suggestions and advice given by you all. I have already started implementing most of it. Actually, as u all rightly said, walking away is easy but maintaining and nurturing is dificult. And I want to make my marraige work coz he is the same guy who gave me some of the most beautiful memories and times of my life, including my son who is a darling, though i cant realy say so abt the present times
@Aanchal: U rightly said, i dont handle problems there and then. I try to ignore and absorb to maintain peace. Here also, i blew up only when things went too far and were too much for my patience. Will keep your point in mind and will try to nip the isue in the bud only now on.
Friends: I have started to follow what u all have suggested. I am giving the relationship more time, though as Cherry advised, I have become Deaf and dumb. I am hardly speaking at home these days, saying out only the bare minimum things. We are maintaining a good stance in frontof our son, but in private, we are not speaking to each other. Though I m not sure, if he might undertsand this co i have a feeling taht he is interpreting it as my ego and is getting further adamant.
Unfortunately, the involvement of friends is not possible coz he is a very private person and am sure is not going to even like the idea of splittin the beans to any of his/common friends, so i guess I'll have to wade through this al by myself....
I have gathered a lot of courage and motivation from all of you...thanks a lot for being such a strong support system...
God Bless U All.....
Your life is really going through a very hard phase. In these times the mind also stops working and it is hard to find the way out of all types created problems.
For me I would suggest your husband is being poisoned by your in-laws. But as he loves his family you cannot convince him against them. So try to bank on the positive things you have. Like your kid and your love for him. If you will try to confront him verbally then it will lead you to no where as it will result in arguments and bad mouthing. Instead try to write a letter not conveying your negative feelings against his relatives but about your positive memories and love which you used to share with each other. Try to write about how bad you are feeling when he is not with you. Try to celebrate small moments with him like making favourite food or snacks for him. Start going on morning walks together, start the day together with a cup of tea together. He will for sure will change again. If his parents can turn him in their side you can also win him back by love. And slowly but gradually he will understand that he is doing wrong and you are not doing bad with him.
I agree that you would be equally tense about your mother. You can still manage to take care of her without coming to the knowledge of your in-laws. It is really a very hard time for you. But by little patience you can flip the life to your side. You have left nothing to loose at your husband's end . You have to win him again.
Patience and time is the cure of every issues. Have faith, patience and cool mind you will win your husband back as only you in this world has a symbol of his love that is his child and nobody else have it.
Be brave and smile. And may God bless your mother.
really good tips raised by Expertincn...
start by writing a personal letter to ur hubby... you have a really good writing skill; use it. never ever mention negative things or bad past experiences. rather fill the letter with how u were lonely before meeting him and happy after meeting him.
after giving the letter try to avaoid looking straight in his eyes (atleast for 3-4 days). try to converse minimum. it doesn't mean, you have to ignore him; but something like showing respect (keeping your eyes-head down), like they use to show in old hindi movies.
i would suggest to write more letters on regular basis.
Its easy to break a relationship but very difficult to maintain it. its going to be a huge task for sure. Buit keeping silent and not speaking will surely not help. I believe you should speak normally at home as if nothing as happened, 1) it will not traumatize your kid, 2) Your husband will mellow down and probably open up for a dialogue. No matter what parents and siblings will always be close to his heart as he has grew up with them, he cant show his anger to them as much as he can show towards you. Whether we accept or not, wives are surely taken for granted. As some of them rightly mentioned it might have hurt his ego when youwent against him. Let;s not punish him for what his parents and relatives did and spoil our lives. mention it to him if necessary the incidents as we speak abt day to day current affairs and leave it at that. he cant possibly fight with them. Nor can we expect PIL's to change at this age. So leave out the negativity with PIL's outside the threshold of your house and behave normally with yoru husband. It is indeed difficult for them to handle such stuff, so wives being smarter let's take control of this situation.
Wish you a happy married life.
I think both your hubby and PILs have not been updated about the latest law called "Domestic Voilence Act". It is high time you meet a good lawyer.
Prayer alone helps. so keep praying & chanting. The vibrations in ur place needs a thorough change. so only prayer alone can produce that kind of vibes. Dont worry, its a passing phase!
Best of luck!!!
I read your post earlier also.I'm totally agree with the advise given by Aanchal.You have to be diplomatic.Sometimes truth,straightforwardness,honesty these virtues take us nowhere.You have to be strong emotionally. As you are worried about your mom,i think somewhere you are expecting same emotions for your mother from your husband.Don't expect too much from your husband.It may be or may not be your in-laws have been poisoned his ears.He can also think that you were at your mother's place for two months,your father poisoned your ears.But why are you thinking about this so much.May be he is having problems at his workplace.Give me answer of the question "Is anything new you are facing"Many women have problems either with their husbands or inlaws or with both.
Try to spend more time with him & take care of your mother also.Your husband should not feel ignored.Sometimes when a wife spends her whole time to look after her baby ,then also in some cases husband start feeling ignored.I'm agree with Vibvin advice also.He can't fight with them.In-laws cannot be changed.Only we can change our attitude.Don't let anybody to come between you & your husband.Keep their taunts,insult out of your relationships.It's difficult to do,but not impossible.
Wish you a happy married life.
One thing is clear Parent 10 that words of your inlaws is gospel truth for him..the point i can infer is that they are jealous of you since you are financially independent....just do not speak anything about his parents at any cost....honestly your hubby views will never change even if you are right...so you have to adjust and be diplomatic and try to make your husband feel of the work you do....unless and until you bring your contributions he will not realise and mostly you have your son whose future is at stake...go for a short trip discuss about your sons future...his education, financial security, upbringing...make him realise the importance of his family in which you are dependant on him .......do not show your financial independence men do not like that......i am very much sure the more you emphasis on your son he will mellow down soon.....
Kindly do not think of breaking your relationship for your son future itz not a good idea...........
You need to give some time to this relationship. Wait for that right moment when a person is vulnerable. Tell him you love him the most. Ask him what does he needs from you. Instead of blaming him ask him what can be done to start over again. And you have a kid., no dad would like to be away from his kid. Igonore what you inlaws say or do for some time. Its only when we react verbally or emotionally then the other person feels victorious. Don't give them chance.
I pray for you.. Good luck.
You can invoke Section 498-A(dowry, cruelty against woman) under this section the parents, sisters and brothers are also thrown behind bars and that too ...with no provision for bail (except in case of women) this law works in favour of woman..use wisely for your benefit...
even i am going thru similiar situation.. inlaws spoiling hubby's mind against me.. cant help that. Its just that they cant accept that someone else can fill their place in his heart. They are jealous of you and since they are not living with their son, they want ur life to be happy with him either. They just dont realize that in turn they are ruining their own son's and grandson's life.
wives and DIL's are always expected to bear al the expectations of hubby and inlaws.. its sad that in present day also we suffer like this.
my advice would be, dont let ur hubby know that u r helping ur parents regarding ur mother's health. STAY with ur hubby whatever happens.. staying away from hubby gives them a chance to fill poison against u.. dont talk anything abt ur inlws or parents, just abt ur son and u and him.. just be urself.. express ur love to him, dont expect that he wpuld return it immediately.. but it pays in long run.
all the best!!
Probably, some of you might have read my earlier posts. But then, I kind of got lost for some years when I decided to take hold of things in my hand and build my life again, so lost touch with the forum here.
But today, I come back here, not to vent or speak about miseries, but to thank all of you here who had supported me in some of my worst times. I really, really appreciate this form and the members here (I remember the names of some of them, Anchal and Sachpreet, sorry, others I donâ€™t remember the names, but I am equally grateful to you all) who became my pillar of strength in my testing times.
I would not say that my life today is a bed of roses, but my life today is definitely a lot better and sane than I could have imagined at that point in time. I would definitely like to say that PLEASE DO NOT LOSE HOPE AND CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
At that point in time, I decided to take control of things for myself and my child. I was determined to do the best of things for him, whether they are liked by anyone else or not, including my husband. I became completely deaf and mute for my inlaws and their family. I started doing what I felt was right, though I had to face lots of opposition. Unfortunately, during all this time, I lost my Mom to sickness (she was terminally ill). I was devastated but it made my resolve even stronger.
Long story short, today I am not even on speaking terms with my inlaws, but I have a beautiful life beyond that. I had taken up my job back, worked hard through it, got into a enviable position back in my new company and focussed on my child to nurture him. With my husband, I maintained a â€œacquaintanceâ€ relationship, where I am there as a â€œfriendâ€, but not as a wife till you learn to respect me and treat me as an individual who has her own mind and wishes, which need to be acknowledged and accepted, if justified. I showed him the reality of things not through words, but through actions and their consequences. When he saw me not giving up and not relenting either, he wanted to give our kid a good future too. But he had to put in his own share of hard work, before he gained my trust and love back.
The journey was definitely long, tough, heart-breaking and in no ways memorable, but I held on the path for my childâ€™s sake. And now, after 5 years, I am glad to say that I am in a very good place â€" my then toddler child is turning into a confident, happy and friendly young boy, my husband has finally realized the realities and is now a very caring, nurturing and loving husband (though, he is still very much attached to his parents, but doesnâ€™t let that impact me or my kids in anyways, keeps the 2 things separate).
All in all, I would again like to thank you all for the support and the feeling of power that I got form this online forum. Keep up the good work , ladies. I shall try to be a regular contributor now on so that I can , may be , help someone the way others helped me. Last but not the least, DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE. Being patient is good, but donâ€™t let that kill your self-respect and confidence.
May God Bless you all.
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