This is my post to Aanchal but i want to get other's suggestions also.I couldn't sleep last night.I don't know i'm taking it hyper or other person is not wrong to that extent.Actually from the beginning of my marriage i felt partial nature of my mil in between two sons.She was always crazy about my brother-in-law.Then he got married she start doing partiality between two daughter-in-laws.It used to hurt me badly when she gave her more importance & no importance to me at all to me.But i managed & took control of my life.When my son was 2& half year old & my bil's son six months old they shifted to canada.Punjabis have always attraction for canada.Now after 3 years they have come for 2 months to stay.Still my mil is crazy for her son.But she has improved little bit after seeing the attitude of canada return daughter-in-law.Now my bil's son is 3 year & 9 months old.My son don't like kisses & hugs.He has his own ways of showing affection.But my bil's son likes to kiss & hug.He hugs & kisses my father-in-law.Last night my fil said," yash to mujhe kiss karta yeh kyon nahi karta.Yash to roti khata hai tu nahi khata." I fought with my husband two days back.My husband said " yash apne daddy ke stomach par leg rakh kar sota hai aap nahi rakhte" My husband is not speaking with me properly from the past two days.I tried to make him understand.I left my child for two hours to my mil.My bil's son snatches toys also from my son.My son is very caring & sincere child.He don't snatch anything from anybody.
I don't want my child to face what i faced.I'm very possesive for my child.I'm very depressed at this time.
there is always an apple of the eye in the family. the one who basks in the glory of attention and pamper. then there are others who feel less loved. for this disparity each mother has her own reasons. some do it for more respect, some do it for more money, some do it for less affection towards the other one. there can be many other reasons too.
going into the reasons why your MIL is doing something is futile here. we cant do anything about it.
but we can definitely do something about what you are doing to yourself, to your child and to your marriage.
to your child: you are allowing your child to feel and experience something that he might have ignored otherwise. children often face favoritsm at school too. do you go and fight with the teacher about it if you have had bad experiences in your own childhood? let your child experience the world. do not let others harm him emotionally. but then dont over protect him either. in fact, in the process of over-protecting him you may be exposing him to all this more and soothing him less. talk to him regularly. ask him how he feels about having his cousin around. dont let him sense your prejudice. provide reflief to him, in case he is also feeling anxious about being less efficient. your reactions will make him more anxious about his sense of inefficiency. put your confidence in him. tell him how each child is unique. how it is good to learn good things from others. but not good to copy them too much. tell him how much you love him for who he is.
to your husband: isn't he already feeling bad about being less loved, that you are making him feel more miserable by telling him that now his parents are loving his son less too? i am sure he doesnt like it too. but then he finds it difficult to fight with his parents (may be he is very docile and quiet by nature, just like your son is). also, sometimes it is very natural to get influenced by the "foreign returned". the NRIs seem to be doing everything right. everyone wants to copy them. your self confidence has to play the role here. your good confidence should tell you that you are good and you need not copy. your poor confidence will either make you copy them or make your hate them.
to yourself: you are letting your anger eat you up. its not helping. its not solving any problem. you are boiling with rage and its damaging you. because someone is loving someone more. because someone is saying all good about a child. cool down. you know you love your child. you know you love your husband. thats all that matters.
I fully agree with Aanchal. Over and above they are here only for 2 months so naturally they are going to get full attention and after all they have come from abroad for onlyyyyyyyyyy 2 months. so just cool down, take control of yourself and let the things happen in natural way. in normal course also if someone comes for few days, the attention is given to them than the people around all the time. so just accept this and let the child face the situation in his own way. the children now a days are smart enough to return back. don't make your child think in your ways. let him experience this naturally. these things only teach them to face the world in future as in school, outside u find such people everywhere.
don't worry too much. it is only for 2 months. in fact you also start enjoying their company sharing the things with them. the good atmosphere at home will make everyone including your husband feel better.
sachpreet,nice to hear from u after long time..v
more than 100% agree with anchal n kalpan.
i don want to repeat wat they said but willl add up little things..
I ve a friend, same case like u, m-i-l s partial bet two sons but tat was only after their marriage coz she s youger dil love married frm dfrnt cast and co-sister who s elder of same cast. so tat naturally makes m-i-l partial towards elder 1.. no mil wud b sooo soo big heart to consider d love married other cast girl same as their choosen same cast girl.. but but but m really not aware of ur case.. m jst telling this jst 4 d sake of it..
and hubs really dont like complains 4 small small things..till smthing big really dsnt hpn, its better to keep mum as far as his parents r concern.. though v feel like telling a lot,though v get tempted, jst to share n not to complain, though v nd him emotionally even 4 small small things it dsnt work.. i ve experinced this...keeping mum abt in-laws always gave good results... he also wl experince 1 day tat his parents r wrong and his wife has tolrated calmly wo complaining n then he wl respact n love u even more..believe me.. truths r never stay hidden 4 long time...yr hubs know everythng,no point in telling evething... i was doing d same but now i stopped it..try out..
abt ur son,anchal n kalpan have said truely... i can understand two months wl seems very big to u as u r not used but still as these two has said try to njoi it taking things in positive manner... buy some gifts for ur bil's son.. u pamper him more so tat they also get inspired to pamper ur son more...and children fights r jst ignorable..
i knw all ladies try their best to handle situations patiently but some time they relnquish control so as u..good luck...
Thanks Aanchal,Kalpan & Praxy.
@ Aanchal.Actually you are right i'm allowing my child to feel that he might have ignored.I'm more insecure than my son.I lived a life full of struggle.Most of the time i didn't get support from people around me out of jealousy.When i ask from my child,"does yash snatch anything from you or fight with you when i'm not around"He says i don't know.Snatching is not so problematic beacuse i saw him taking back his things forcefully.Two days back when i get angry from my fil's statement he was not aware about anything.But once or twice i shared with my son that now your tayiji is coming & your dadi will all the time pamper her.Intially for two to three days i saw little bit anxiety in him.But after that i never saw anxiety in his behaviour.
When he was in play school,preparing for school interviews.I accompanied my son in all interviews whenever my son didn't reply one question his teacher called another child who is our neighbour's son & made me realise that other child is replying all questions.Even i'm docile by nature I couldn't reply which i should give.But all these things stored deep in the heart & becomes big one day.It happened many times.
I was getting insecure that if partiality will be done to my child,he will develop inferiority complex.I tried to remove my deep rooted feeling of ignorance towards me by saying that i'm worthy.I can not let anybody to ruin my day & underestimate me.I hope you are getting my point.I get successful in gaining self confidence.I cannot reply other person but i try to ignore useless stuff.
i understand you sachpreet..but we should try that our past experiences shouldnt overshadow our kids' lives. i know its difficult, but thats the only fair thing to do to kids.
Hi Aanchal You are not only expert in giving guidance for children but also expert in giving guidance about husband & marriage .Thanks trying to implement suggestions given by all.
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