The 6 commandments of parenting

Parentree-editors 2011-01-11 21:52:07

There are a few things that are an absolute NO when we become parents. While kids bring loads of happiness and a sense of fulfillment in our lives, they also come with a list of do’s and don’ts. There are 6 commandments that we must follow:

1. Thou shalt not have sex in the kid’s presence

No matter how small the kid is, parents must take care not to have sex in the kid’s vision range. Even if the kid is sleeping, parents must not get tempted. During sleep,the two senses, auditory and kinesthetic, are receptive and can interfere with kid’s dreams to create unwanted perceptions. Also, it will be a source of great embarrassment if the kid wakes up to see what the parents are upto. It doesn’t mean that parents have to behave like saints in front of the kid. Hugging, kissing and snuggling are quite acceptable and in fact give a lot of confidence and comfort to a kid to see his parents having a good relationship. Parents must maintain the thin line between romance and sexuality.

2. Thou shalt not lie and cheat others in the kid’s knowledge

Kids learn their values from parents. While we all have to lie to others at some point or the other (like telling a pesky salesman that you don’t have money to buy his product in order to get rid of him), we must take care that we don’t do so in front of our kid. And even if we have to, we should make it a point to talk to the kid about it later and explain how important it was. When there is someone at the door or phone we don’t want to meet or talk to, we often ask kids to tell the person that we are not available. While it makes sense to us, it creates confusion in kids’ mind who have so far been hearing from us that we should not lie or cheat. They learn to lie and also form an impression that it’s ok not to practice what you preach.

3. Thou shalt not fight with your partner in front of the kid

While one would think that this should not be done AT ALL, fighting and shouting are the bitter truths of many marriages. Watching parents fight has a very detrimental effect on children. Domestic violence has been a big reason behind poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety and a sense of guilt in children. Parents patch up privately and hardly in front of kids. Thus kids learn how to fight but do not learn how to make amends. This affects their socializing skills negatively.

4. Thou shalt not complain about the kid when he or she is around

Many parents do this. They talk about the bad habits of the kid in front of him. Someone makes a remark as to how thin the child is looking and Lo! the parents, especially mothers, start talking about what a big fussy eater he is, how he never eats/drinks healthy food, how he gobbles down junk food. And the complaint goes on and on. This not only embarrasses the child, but also compounds the issue. The child hits back by further refusing the food.

5. Thou shalt not hit your child

Parents must take care to learn to discipline the child without resorting to emotional and physical punishments. Punishment acts as a knife on the child, literally. It cuts his sense of self. It cuts his deep bonds with his parents. It cuts his belief in himself. It forces him to resort to revenge, resentment, rebellion or depression, creating a vicious cycle of problems.

6. Thou shalt not compare your kid with other kids ever

Two mothers with their respective kids playing together can barely go without making comparisons between the kids’ abilities, habits, parenting styles, support system at home etc etc. The two main aims at doing comparisons are firstly to encourage the child if he is lagging behind by showing others as examples and secondly to get sympathy from other parents for having a ‘difficult’ child. But such comparisons do more harm than good to the child. They destroy the child’s self confidence completely as well as give him a message that his parents are not happy with him.

Follow these 6 commandments and thou shalt raise a happy, confident and loving child !


Written by Aanchal Agarwal, Aanchal is a psychotherapist, special educator and mother, based in Bangalore. She specializes in child development and learning disabilities.


Comments

MarkJ
2013-09-05 11:10:12

 

Wow.. lovely tips. Definitely makes a lot of sense. Will share this with others

Capri1020
2013-07-18 15:25:43

 

Thanks for the inputs

DawdharnidrsMom
2012-11-20 02:35:35

 

Thnx aanchal I want to consult u plz give me ur phone number , I'm Hajira and my ID is syedahajira86@yahoo.com.

snowball
2012-10-07 16:12:57

 

Amazing tips! thanks. Need to imbibe asap. Riddhi

SS2012
2012-08-10 00:11:47

 

really nice set of tips... thanks

ggee
2012-06-15 22:17:49

 

I am very new to this parentree. 6 commandments for parents are very very true and everyone has to be follow. I am very ready to follow these but i dont have the courage to educate my partner about this . i am always in tension to bring up my kids. i want to hear more from you. if you please dont mind, can i have your mail id. my id is ggee193@gmail.com

ashrith
2012-06-15 16:53:41

 

vow these r great tips!

kika
2012-06-15 09:46:49

 

Hello aanchal I have read a lot abt your very impressive ways of helping kids. I urgently want to consult with you about my son. I stay in bangalore and my email is likavimal@gmaol.com. Thanks.

saaseep
2012-02-21 10:45:18

 

Hi Aanchal Good article..My son is 8 years old and we are trying to change his habbit of interfering so much in our Adult-talk .even if we ask him to go to his room..he would listen to us and never give chance to me and my husband to finish our talk..we have tried all methods to stop him ,but he act/behave like very mature person..and want us to provide all details of what we r talking,about whom we r talking etc etc.And if we do not invovel him ,he will make all kind of noices,stunts or some mess to distract our attention also when I am doing homework with him he never listen what I am explaining...always talk inbetween..Me and my husband have explained him so many times that he has to change ..but he is not changing at all..can u advice me any solution on this? he is very good in studies.He is somewhat managable kid but the biggest problem of him is he don't listen to us..help me

vjai
2011-11-24 10:38:06

 

wonderful points aanchal...thank you verymuch...i would appreciate if u can comeout with some solutions if the kids doesnt obey us or how to make them understand...&also i think timeout for indian kids doent work...:(

aanchal
2011-11-24 09:40:45

 

i can understand the anger that generates from bad language..but then, kids learn more than 90% of their language by imitation..if peer group is using bad language, kids are bound to pick up the words. also, language evolves with time, generation and age..something that was cool when we were kids, annoyed our parents..now our kids use some words that annoy us..i feel its not a very idea to ban the "bad" language from kid's life completely..it might make him feel odd one out in his social life..it is perhaps better to tell the child not to use the words with adults and at home.

chamundidevi
2011-11-23 22:13:46

 

Thanks, but sometimes it becomes difficult to control our anger when they use dirty language they may have heard somewhere!

tinnu
2011-06-03 11:32:43

 

thank u anchal. very informative and every parent should follow.

SwethaRavi
2011-06-02 19:59:40

 

Very informative.. Also one more point is that, we should not talk ill about other people in front of kids... Mostly when we are in a discussion about a relative or a collegue whom we are not happy about, we start talking ill about them.. but doing so/sharing those feelings in front of the kid may make him/her judgemental about people around or even the same person he/she meets at some point.. Thanks for this wonderful article..

Ujc
2011-05-25 16:34:07

 

Really nice and useful tips thanks so much

Deepalu
2011-05-18 13:52:17

 

Very nice and useful tips.

Narinder
2011-02-17 14:49:46

 

Hey Aanchal! great article thnx Narinder

Shkm
2011-02-17 10:09:38

 

Brilliant article

falgunidesai
2011-02-17 07:49:39

 

a nice article aanchal. a must read for parents. thanks for it.

Anaya11
2011-01-31 15:19:56

 

Thanks Aanchal for sharing. Must read by parents.

nesameh
2011-01-28 21:43:39

 

thanks anchal for sharing the usefull commands.

nehab
2011-01-28 18:40:32

 

Aanchal......I completely agree with u but however in certain circumstances,wherein kids might get hurt when they r not listening...eg jumping from somewhere, how to control...if he physically dont enforce him to stop n he shall not understand that he'll hurt himself.........

vandanav
2011-01-28 18:30:05

 

thnx Aanchal for sharing the imp 6 commandments....

reshmarakesh
2011-01-28 15:38:46

 

Tanx Anchal,excellet job as usual.

saketchiaai
2011-01-28 06:49:53

 

Thanks Aanchal for sharing!

Kanchidevi
2011-01-25 15:10:53

 

Really helpful!

shankalz
2011-01-12 14:27:29

 

Lovely Post. Thanks Aanchal.

shenu
2011-01-12 14:15:15

 

Thanks Aanchal ,for sharing your these 6 commandments !!

muskaan
2011-01-12 10:54:36

 

thanks Aanchal for ur inputs, from the above list of 6,2 of them r oftenly & knowingly mistakes comitted by me,now will ammend them. ur inputs always help parents to grow themselves & kids happilly. ur kiddo must be really lucky,GOD bless them.

BrillAdith
2011-01-12 10:30:08

 

Great inputs Aanchal. Thank you!!!!!

mimmy
2011-01-12 09:36:51

 

Thanks Aanchal! for sharing

 

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