Treating them as adults even at a young age

Many parents today are very focused on making their children independent. We want children to make their own decisions. More and more parents are asking even very young children to make a decision on their own.  We do this is by treating them like adults and asking them to make a decision. Then we get angry when they make the "wrong" decision.

Are our children really ready for this type of independent decision making? When we ask them to do this, have we as parents really given them the tools to make such a decision? Should we treat them as adults? Can they really be expected to make the right decision every time?

Children have hardly seen enough of the world. They are living in the umbrella of love we are giving them. Our role as parents is to guide them, provide them the opportunities to think about decisions that have to be made, and guide them through the decision making process. No child is born a good decision maker.

So if you are treating your child like an adult from an early age and expecting them to make the "right" decision every time, you are under-parenting!!

Choice is not always good

Many parents are very affluent these days. We are able to offer our children a lot of choices. We throw choices at them for everything - for lunch, for dinner, for birthdays, for movies. Everything and anything seems to be about choices. Many parents feel that it helps their children make a tradeoff and learn how to balance things. But is there much to be learnt from choosing Chinese food vs Italian food, or having a Mickey Mouse birthday theme vs a Ben 10 theme?

In real life, sometimes there is never a choice or the choices have severe constraints. When children are given easy choices all the time, you may be teaching them that there is always a choice and without any constraints.

To teach them about choices, do not give them choices every time. Help them understand that a choice is not always available. And if you do, give them constrained choices.

So if you are always giving your child multiple choices without constraints, you are under-parenting!!

Not putting academic pressure does not mean not working hard

Many parents say they do not want schools that focus only on academics. They seek out schools that offer overall development, with less focus on studies. Such schools do not offer a ton of homework to give the child time after school hours and weekends to spend on activities other than homework also.

Many parents take this to mean that the child is not expected to work hard and that the school does not care much about homework. Schools will tell you that this is not correct. Schools will also tell you that often, even with the lesser amount of homework, the child comes back without finishing the homework. What message are we sending the child when we let this happen?

While it is laudable that parents put lesser academic pressure on children, hard work and diligence are essential characteristics we must inculcate in children. It is our responsibility to teach them that the homework must be completed. Children have to understand that irrespective of the path they choose, they have to have goals and work hard to complete them.

So if you are interpreting the "overall children's development" promised by your school as meaning no effort required from the child, you are under-parenting!!

"I just want my child to be happy"

This is a catchall refrain that is heard often amongst parents. We do whatever it takes to make the child happy.  It is not just about spending money on the child. This "happiness" factor manifests itself in so many different ways, often in situations where it is hard to recognize.  Some examples are below

• When we always cook only the small number of dishes the child chooses to eat, because it makes the child "happy"
• When we always let the child win at games because it makes her "happy"
• When we allow the child to postpone any work he has to do because there is some other thing he wants to do that makes him "happy"
• When we let the child make a mess, but never cleanup because she will not be "happy" doing a cleanup
• When we let the child whine and get his way, because we want him to become "happy"

When we make the child's happiness the only factor that matters, we are teaching them that the life is about their happiness. Imagine your child's rude shock, when she first runs into a fellow student on the playground who refuses to give them the ball or when your child's teacher tells your child that he has no choice but to put away the coloring materials or library books. And in the long term, the child will never be happy because they fail to appreciate the small things in life that make them happy.

So if you are always focusing on the thought "I just want my child to be happy" and doing everything only for that, you are under-parenting!!

As you read through this, you will see that all these aspects - teaching independence, giving choices, lessening academic pressure and your child's happiness - are not bad things to practice. In fact, when used in moderation each one of them can make your child develop into a happy and complete human being. But if you practise them to the extreme, then they produce a negative effect and that is what "under-parenting" is about.

What do you think?

Do not over think it

• Do not over think the relationship. You are her dad. She is your child. There is unconditional love on both sides. Simple!
• Do not worry about whether you can do a good job. As the Beatles once said "All you need is love, love, love is all you need".  Once you focus on giving your child the love she needs, everything automatically develops from there.

Daddy's little girl

You are the first strong man in your daughter's life. Just like a son, she looks at you as a great role model and you will always remain one. You will be the one who opens the hard-to-open bottles, the one who ran behind her as she learned to bike, the one who took her to her first movie etc., etc., In this a daughter sees you no different from a son.

Start bonding early

Read our tips for new dads - 6 ways for new dads to bond with baby.  From the day she is born, get involved with your baby - change her diapers, sing to her, talk to her.

Physical play

When your daughter is young, do indulge in physical play with her. Toss her around, throw pillows at her, give her piggyback rides etc.,. Read Tumbling tots - Rough, physical play. The physical activity is good for her too.Play sports with her - cricket, badminton and more. It sets her on the path of an active lifestyle which is important for her health too.

Play her games

Tea party, Barbie dress up.... Let your daughter pick what she wants to play. Be a sport and sit with her. Drink tea. Help her find that missing accessory for Barbie. If you do not know much about her interests, go read about it on the Internet. There is tons of information available on any topic she is interested in.

Encouragement and compliments

Encourage her in her pursuits. Tell her when she does a good job. Or when she is brave. Or the castle she built.  Or the painting.

Compliment her unique aspects as a girl - her pretty dress, her beautiful hair clip etc.,

Listen more

Girls behave a little differently from boys in one issue. They like to talk through things. Boys may want answers given to them while girls like to talk through the issue. As a dad, you may have to consciously reign in your instincts to find closure and instead listen more. Let her talk through her thoughts, all she is looking for maybe a good listener. If you can be a good listener, it can lay the foundation for a good relationship with her even as she grows up.

Allocate a time for homework

If your child gets homework every day, have him work on it at the same time every day [Though homework every day seems like a lot!!]. Make it earlier in the evening rather than later. As the time approaches, get them prepared for it.

If it is on the weekend. make it Saturday morning. You can tell them that if they get their homework done, they can have the rest of the weekend to do all the things they want to do.

Plan with the child on what they can do after homework

Motivation comes in many forms. Discuss with the child, what she will do after the homework. Once they know what they will be doing after homework, it will motivate them to finish their work.

Put the study area in a quiet corner

Setup the study desk or work area in a quiet corner where distraction like TVs, or people walking around are not distracting your child. Give him less reasons to look up from his work and observe other distractions.

Make the study area well lit

Ensure there is adequate light where they are working. Low light can cause them to get distracted and daydream.

Remove any distractions from the study area

Before your child starts her work, remove any distractions from the study area like toys, storybooks etc., Do not keep anything within arm's reach.

Before they start, ask them to tell you what they need to do

How many times have we parents gone to the child after some time has passed, only to find them sitting around saying "I don't understand this problem or this question"? Combat this early and ask them before they start, what they need to do. If they do not know, ask them to open up their bag, find the homework, read the instructions and tell you what they will have to do.

Check the equipment

Before they start, confirm with them that they have all the equipment they need - from pencils to any special instruments - and that they are all in working condition. Check in a few minutes after they have started work, to verify that things are still working.

Find a good excuse to keep walking by them

This helps in two ways. If they are stuck, they will ask you when they see you. If they are not focused, your visit will put them back on track.

Separate the siblings or not!

If you have multiple children and they all have homework, you can have them work near each other or separately. It depends on your children. Some work very well together while some distract each other to no end. You may walk in only to find out that they have been yapping away for the last 30 minutes about something that happened in school with not a care about their homework. Try it out and see what works for you.

Ensure the child is looking at you

When you want to say “NO”, do not say it from a distance or in a matter of fact manner. Call your child and ensure they are looking at you. If they do not come near you, approach them and look at them when you say NO.

Use a firm and different tone

When you deliver the message of NO, use a firm tone that says clearly you mean it. If you say it in the same voice you use for anything else your child may not give it the attention your response needs. You do not have to shout at the child or indicate you are angry. You have to use a tone that says you mean what you are saying and that you will not change your mind. Be firm.

Do not give in

Children will keep resisting doing anything other than what they want. They will whine. They will cry. They will yell. But through it all, make sure that you do not give up. Children understand us very well also. They will try to wear us down. If you say “I can’t take this any more” and say “OK, do whatever you want”, children will learn that you can be beaten down. If they see this happen often, they will just keep whining till you give up or till you snap and punish them.

Don’t be afraid to accept you were wrong to say NO

Sometimes, children may make an argument that sounds convincing. For example, if you ask them to do some work in the house, they may give you a list of all the things they did since the morning. If you feel their claim is fair, then change your mind. This will teach them that you are fair minded.

Do not get angry or spank them

It is important that you not get angry or spank children when they do not accept NO. Here are some tips on how to keep your patience when interacting with children. This is very important. While we want our children to accept NO, we do not want them to do it merely out of fear.

A healthy skepticism is always good

Remember, we want our children to be brave and to stand up and say No when they see something unacceptable. We want them to question authority also and not just accept everything that anyone says emphatically. So while you may feel now that your child should listen to everything you say, remember that some inclination to question authority will serve your child well in the future also.

Wait before you intervene

If you overhear the beginning of an argument, just listen a bit. See if the children can resolve it by themselves. Remember, a playdate is an easy way for children to learn negotiating and compromising skills. If the argument does not subside, then do step in before things become worse.

Ask the children to take turns

Often, an argument ensues over who has to play with a toy as both children want to play with the same toy during the playdate.  When they start to fight, step in and suggest that they take turns with the toy. They can choose who plays with it first or you can make it fun for them by tossing a coin. The same can work when the children cannot agree on a game to play together.

Give the toy a timeout

When the children cannot share a toy during the playdate, or refuse to take turns, do not punish either of them. Simply tell them that the toy is available to neither child as they cannot agree on who will play with it first. And put the toy out of reach.

Fairness and respect for the feelings of others

If one child starts shouting or getting physical with the other, step in and stop it. Then ask the child how they would feel it if happened to them - "How would you feel if your friend shouted at you?" or "Do you think it is fair to hit someone to grab a toy?". Would they wanted to be treated fairly and nicely also? Then prompt the child to take the next steps. First, ask them if they want to start with an apology. Then ask them - "What is the right thing for you to do?". Let them think about what they need to do.  You can help them with some hints or with leading questions. This will help them learn that they should treat others as they themselves want to be treated.

Play with the children for a while to calm them down

Sometimes to resolve a fight or to prevent a fight from breaking out, you may have to sit down with the children. You can either watch them or play with them. This will calm them down. With you there, they will focus on playing rather than fighting. Of course, do not sit with them all the time as it can also backfire. Every complaint may come to you instead of being resolved between themselves. Also, the idea of the playdate is to try and let the children learn to play by themselves instead of you supervising them.

Distract the children with a snack

Distracting the fighting children is one way to get them to forget their argument. A healthy snack like a fruit or lassi can be a good distraction. Get them refreshed and reenergized and send them back to play again.

• Praise the child. They love to hear accolades from you!!
• Reward the child with 30 minutes or an hour of time with the parent who is busier.  No interruptions!!  Let your child pick whatever they want to do - have you read them a story, paint with them or play a game with them
• Pick a restaurant to eat at
• Get extra time to watch a TV show or play an educational game
• Make your child his or her favourite snack or dish
• Take them to the local attraction that they have been pestering you for but which you have been avoiding because it is boring
• Go to the bookstore, give your child a budget and let them pick out a book they want
• Give your child a "Free clenaup" card. In the future, if there is a mess they feel too tired to cleanup, they can use this card and ask you to do it for them.
• Pick a movie for watching
• Setup that playdate with a friend, which they have been clamoring for

Also remember that you should reward the child for their efforts rather than just for results. And don't forget to tell them why they are getting a reward.

What other ideas do you have for rewards for young children? Please share them.

• Setting the dining table [Instead of just sitting on a chair and waiting for food, get them involved!]
  • Bring the dinner plates to the dining table
  • Bring glasses to the dining table
  • Fill a small jug with water and fill water in the glasses
  • Bring spoons, ladles and forks for eating and serving
• Clearing the dining table
  • Take the plates to the sink
  • Bring any remaining food that has not been used, back to the kitchen
  • Wash the water glasses (if they are steel or plastic, since you do not want any accidents to hurt your child)
• Water the plants in your garden - even if you have only a few small pots in the balcony
• Put away the previous day's paper in the recycling pile
• Kitchen chores
  • Fill up water in the ice trays
  • Make roti/chappati dough into small balls for rolling
  • Unpack food/vegetable purchases from shopping bags and even stack them on shelves
• Bring in any shopping and grocery bags from the car to the house
• Help older people in the house, like grandpa and grandma
  • Give them their reading glasses
  • Give them a glass of water
  • Older kids can even fill out forms or write addresses on letters
  • Bring them the paper
• Put away toys, books
• Clean their own bicycles
• School stuff
  • Put away their school bag in the right place
  • Pack their school bag - homework, pencil box, books, notebooks etc.,
• Bedroom chores
  • Set out their own clothes (whether they wear a uniform or not) before they go to bed at night
  • Remove pillowcases from the pillows, when you want to wash them or even put newly washed pillowcases back on pillows

What other chores have you given your children? Do share.

Kids clothes spilling out of all their shelves, tired of sorting through kids clothes, spending a fortune on their clothes and still not being able to have the right thing for them to wear? Of course we all love to see our little and not so little munchkins dressed up cutely and stylishly. Hell, many of us moms spend more time, money and effort on our kids’ clothes than even ours. Here we have some tips on selecting and organizing kids’ clothes so that the little ones can be comfortable and at their best, look cute n stylish and without driving you or your budget crazy. Read on…

Simplify and de-clutter

• Organize piles: For giving to the needy, for their memory box, for keeping for cousins or friends.

Focus on their needs and analyse their dressing pattern

Organization is the key

• It is your choice whether you keep their clothes in a chest of drawers or cupboards, as long as there are shelves. Make different shelves based on the usage and how often you use them. For example, differentiate items like school uniforms, undergarments/socks, daily wear, party or infrequent wear etc. Keep the ones you need to dig into in the most accessible shelf.
• If you have more than one kid and they help themselves to their own clothes, you could separate them out by different cupboards or different shelves as well. When they are little, you could even keep their clothes together and separate them by usage - based on the occasion like everyday clothes, party clothes etc. This way you only have to dig into one set of shelves or cupboard.
• Keep just the clothes that they wear for the season in the shelves. Put the non seasonal clothes and clothes that are too big for them that you might have stocked up separately in a spare pile.
• Every now and then, take stock of their wardrobe. Take out the stuff they that have outgrown or that is not in the season or those they will not wear. And add stuff they might need from the spare pile.
• You can keep the small items like socks, handkerchiefs, undergarments, accessories etc. in small plastic or wicker bins inside the shelves. This way they will not get mixed-up.

Some tip-top thrift tips for the frugalista mommy

• Get more mileage out of the clothes. Be creative.
  • Get quality long-lasting clothes for the older one and re-use for the younger one. Of course the young one will get new clothes but it helps. Even if you have different gender kids, you can reuse. For example, get a few gender neutral colour t-shirts, sweat pants and night suits for the older girl so that you can reuse for the younger boy and so on.
  • You can reuse some clothes even when they get smaller. For example for girls: dresses and kurtas can be paired with leggings for the tunic/kurti and leggings look that is so in these days. When leggings and pants get small if they fit by the waist, then they can be used as ¾ leggings and capris respectively. For boys as well, sometimes pants that are too small can be used as capris.

Know where and how to shop

The looks

• It is important that they are comfortable. There is no point make them wear something cute when they get cranky wearing it. Empower your child with their clothes and let their personality come through.
• Make them select their clothes as well. This way they will be happy wearing what they select, this will add to their confidence and self-esteem and they will also develop their fashion sense. Let the tomboy wear jeans and T-shirt and let the princess explore and indulge within the reasonable limits. The more we dictate, the more they rebel. It is always a fine balance.

Things to keep in mind while buying clothes

• Make sure you read the care instructions and match with your lifestyle as well. Try and get clothes that can be washed easy and will not run colour or need to be dry cleaned. The fact that you can just toss and wash the jumble of clothes together without thinking too much will make your life much easier.
• Try and stick to natural materials mostly. These fabrics can breathe easily and better for their skins and keeps them more comfortable.
• Instead of just picking up something randomly because it is cute, think of the occasion when your child will wear and visualize your child wearing and buy accordingly.
• Quality vs. quantity is better. It is better to spend a little more money on something just right that you feel your child will do justice to rather than many random items.

Have fun and explore that funky side in dressing them up as well

• It is not all that about being practical and the BIG perfect organized mommy all the time as well. As long as you have thought a little and done the sensible ground-work, indulge from time to time and have fun shopping and dressing them up.

We have some fun ideas.

There are many themes - ethnic, bollywood, western etc., You can also mix and match from the various themes. BTW, you can do this party thingie as a supplement to your traditions like the Seemantham as well.. Also, the ideas you borrow will depend on whether you are doing a surprise baby shower, ladies only or a couples’ baby shower.

Bollywood theme ideas for Indian baby showers

• You can have either a general bollywood theme or make it more specific. For example:

• The 60’s
  • Dress: Big hair, tight saris/salwar kameez, bell bottoms, lots of eyeliner. A la Mumtaz or Sharmila Tagore.
  • Songs: Shammi Kapoor films etc.
• Om Shanti Om retro—same as the 60’s with a Shah Rukh Khan or Deepika Padukone touch.
  • Songs: Om Shanti Om, Deewangi Deewangi...
• Bollywood vamp or villain. Fun for the couples. Imagine the gals dressed as Helen or even today’s Rakhi Sawant and the guys spouting Ajit dialogues.
  • Songs: All item numbers or previous cabaret songs. From mera naam chin chin choo to the latest sizzling number.
• A particular movie, example Sholay. So folks will come dressed up in the Sholay characters.
• What else? You say...tons of ideas to fish rom the vast and deep bollywood pool. Just be creative.
• Music. Make sure there is tons of music matching your theme. Download a custom playlist. Intersperse with some cute lullabies from films for that cute baby shower flavour.
• Film posters (you can download from the net as well) on the walls.
• Party games:
  • Antakshari
  • Guessing dialogues and characters from films. Make sure you have tons of Ma dialogues. “mere paas to maan hein” from Deewar. Even maestro Rehman could not resist during his Oscar acceptance speech.
  • Dancing to songs contest.
  • Speaking filmi dialogues contest. You could have the gals act out like the stereotypical bollywood mom and the guys act like bollywood fathers.
• Watching video or video clips of some bollywood fillums at some point during the shower. Make use of that home entertainment system after the party, curl up on the couch with a few friends and watch something. 

You get the idea. You do not need much but some ideas and attitude. Be creative, delegate to friends. Save all that prep effort for having fun at your own party!

Throw away the original packaging

Trying to keep each toy, toy set or game, stored individually in its original packaging is a losing battle. In most cases, throw away the original packaging unless there is a special reason you need it.

Organize large toys into classes of toys

Large toys like train sets should be organized into classes of toys, rather than trying to keep each set together. For example, if there are 2 different train sets with your children, don't worry about keeping them separated and organized individually. Bunch them all up into the "train" class. Similarly, all dolls irrespective of whether they are Barbie or  Bratz go into the "dolls" class.  All sports gear can go into the "sports" class. If you try to keep each set individually, the organization becomes too strict and the children will not follow it and the toys will be disorganized very quickly.

Get wide, shallow baskets for each class of large toys

Get plastic tubs or sturdy cane baskets for each class of toys. If you get wide, shallow containers, children (and you) can easily spot what is in the basket. If the containers are shallow, children do not have dig deep inside to find that special toy they need. This digging is often what results in toys flying all over the place as children search for that one toy that has caught their fancy. Sometimes, parents buy plastic containers with lids. This is upto individual choice but open containers are easier to put stuff back into, than closed ones.  Kids will also find it easier to put away toys if they can find the right basket to put them in easily.

Organize game boards, separately from game pieces and game cards etc.,

Do not try to organize each game individually. Each component of the game - game board, game pieces, game cards etc., is awkwardly shaped and short of gluing them to each other, you cannot keep them together. Instead, put all the game boards next to each other on a bookshelf. Stack them like books.

Take the game pieces from all the games (especially the common ones like dice, coins etc.,) and put them all together. Who cares if the dice from one game is used in another or vice versa.

Plastic tiffin boxes and plastic bottles are essential for storage of small toys

Use clear plastic boxes (tiffin boxes or Glad boxes will do well) and recycled plastic bottles  (like you get for drinks like Bournvita) are great for storage. It is important that these boxes and bottles be transparent, so children can see at a glance what is inside.  Keep them small.

Use these for organizing and storing toys like the ones below

• Game pieces like dice
• For special games like chess, put all the pieces in one individual bottle
• Put all the paint brushes and paint containers in one large bottle or box
• Put all the crayons and colour pencils and sketch pens in one box or bottle
• Put all the game cards for each game in a box (like Monopoly money or Pictionary cards) in individual plastic boxes. One for each game.

Stack, store and organize these boxes and bottles on a shelf or closet. Because the storage is transparent, the children may move around the bottles and boxes to find what they need, but the individual items in each bottle will mostly remain inside it. And children find it easier to stack these bottles and boxes also.

Ziplocs are a nice tool for organizing toys and games

Get large Ziploc bags to put away those hard to organize toys like puzzles. Put each puzzle in an individual ziploc and store them all in a shoebox or in a large plastic bag.

Provide a corner of the room to keep super-large toys

Super large toys like a tricycle or dollhouse should be assigned to a corner of the room. Make sure they are kept there during cleanup time.

Let the children decide which toy goes where

Give your children the baskets, containers, boxes, bottles and ziplocs and let them decide how to organize the toy room. They will automatically remember how they organized things and it will make it easier for them to cleanup in the future.

Give away unused toys

If your children have outgrown a toy or are not playing with it, give it away without hesitation to other younger children in the family or to domestic help or to the driver's kids or to a local NGO.

By using different kinds of storage it makes it easy to identify what is inside each container, and toy room organization becomes a little easier. Do come back and tell us what are some toy room organization techniques that have worked for you.

Also see

Making kids clean up and put away their books, toys and other things

Get down to the child's level (Step 1)

If your child is short, either kneel down or sit down next to them so you can make direct eye contact in a friendly way.

Use physical contact to soothe the child (Step 2)

Put a hand on your child's shoulder and use the other to stroke their face gently or their chest or their arms in a manner that calms and comforts them.

Talk in a soothing tone (Step 3)

Use a soothing tone and soothing words and and ask your child to calm down. You can say "I can't understand what you are saying when you are crying" or "I can understand you better if you speak slowly at a lower volume".

Find a quiet place to talk (Step 4)

If possible, ask your child to go sit down with you in a quiet nook or corner. This can help them understand that you are paying attention to them. And don't forget to thank your child for stopping their crying or screaming.

Listen attentively (Step 5)

Screaming or crying are ways for a child to get your attention. Once they stop screaming or crying, give your child what they really wanted. Put away your phone or book or paper and give your complete attention to the child.

Practice Active Listening (Step 6)

Active listening is a technique to show the person talking that you have listened carefully to them. Very simply, you rephrase what you heard and repeat it to the child. So if your child says "I wanted to read the book but he grabbed it", you can say "Were you trying to read that book?".

Discuss solutions to the problem (Step 7)

By now your child would have calmed down and is ready to figure out the solution to their problem. Start discussion how to resolve the problem. Here are some ideas on what to do.

• Ask your child how to solve the problem
• Ask your child if any solution they propose is fair to all concerned
• Ask if they have addressed their complaint to the other party (the other child for example)

There are two things to remember when following the 7 steps on how to calm a child down.

1. Don't spank or hit your child. It only makes the situation worse. It does not help a child calm down.
2. Keep your patience. Read this article on how to keep your patience with children

It sure can be overwhelming. We have some tips to help you get organized of all the peripheral stuff so that you can focus on the important tasks of finding the right school and then seeking admissions.

• Write a one pager about your child (similar to a resume) - brief description, academic track record, activities, hobbies, your and your spouse’s background, perhaps even what you are seeking in a school etc. You could even add a picture of your child. This will help you introspect and analyse what you want and also can enhance your application. Note:
  • Format it properly. Make sure there are no typos etc.
  • You can tweak the emphasis (academic vs. holistic) based on the school.
• Fill the application form carefully. First read and think about what you are going to write. Make sure there are no typos. Perhaps you can divide and conquer. Whoever (your spouse or you) has a better handwriting can fill up the application form and the other person can do the research and the organization.
• Do not forget to make a copy of the application form that you send. It can help you later in the interviews. And also in case the form gets misplaced or something.
• Get multiple copies of previous report cards and other materials made at one go. It can be a hassle to keep getting them made. This way perhaps you can negotiate a deal with the copier as well. Make sure the copies are of good quality.
• Make sure you have folders for filing and file these materials carefully.
• Keep track of all the admission deadlines and other information of the various schools carefully. It might be a good idea to make a spreadsheet with all the pertinent information: application deadline, admission test dates, interview dates, school start dates, school board, school contact information etc. Or you could add all the dates in your calendar.
  • Keep this information accessible - in an icon on your computer desktop or in your calendar.
• Use the Parentree school selection criteria and checklist. You could have a spreadsheet or table with the criteria and the information for the different schools. This way you can have all the information for schools captured. If really confused, make a scorecard for the schools. It can help your thoughts. Of course the end-decision is always qualitative, but some organized analysis beforehand can always help.
  • You could even add your general remarks about the school as you visit the school. It can be easy to be confused and mixed-up with so much information.
• Another good tip: If there is one school that you feel is ‘it’ for your child, do not hesitate to show interest. Typically schools like it if parents are really interested in the school. Call the school from time to time. Visit the school with your spouse. Talk to the teachers if possible. Of course you will need to strike a balance between showing interest and being a pest. But then we parents are always doing this balancing act. Of course some schools are very open to parents and some not so. But you can always try.
  • Note: When the school is accepting applications, they are very busy so it is not a good idea to ask for a meeting. But once the window is over and you have finished applying, you could ask for a meeting with the principal and learn more about the school.
• Keep some perspective. It is just school admissions and not your work assignment. Stay organized, do your best and then relax.

What you are tempted to do or say

• An overwhelming feeling comes upon you as you feel this is an unfair accusation. A deep resentment builds up inside you as you feel it is so unfair. You do so much for your child and then you hear this!!. You either become very depressed or a boiling anger works itself upward and you explode.
• You become extremely guilty and give in to the child, sometimes excessively so.
• You snap back that you are not going to do anything, anymore for your child. Imagine how this makes the poor helpless thing feel when he or she hears this blackmail.
• You argue with the child and start explaining all the things you do for the child. This can sometimes transfer the guilt back to the child, who can hardly handle it.

What you should do

• Stay calm. Read about how to keep your patience when dealing with children.
• Calm the child down. Read the techniques in this article about how to calm your child down.
• Apologize if you were indeed shouting. This can go a long way to calming your child down. And tell them that mommy and daddy are not perfect either!
• Explain to your child what behaviour of theirs you were reacting to.
• Discuss how you have some expectations of your child just like he or she has some from you. Explain how both of you can get frustrated because something each of you wants did not happen.
• Look deep within yourself about why you shout at your child. If you do this often, focus on how you can control your own anger.
• Do not immerse yourself in "guilt" and become very self critical. No parent is perfect. Just focus on how to tackle situations without unnecessary anger.

Understand the motivation of the advice giver

• Are they giving advice because they are genuinely helpful and understand the multiple roles you play?
• Are they giving you advice in a superior tone that suggest you are a bad mom or dad?
• Are they just busybodies who interfere in everything?
• Do they do it occasionally or are they always giving you advice?

Here are some tools to use to tackle the situation.

Method 1.  OK, Acknowledge and change the topic

Say "ok" or "thanks for the tip" and change the topic immediately. The best way to make this work is to ask the advice giver a question about something else that they love to talk about.

Most applicable to: Busybodies, Teachers, and occasionally with Family

Method 2. That will not work. My situation is different.

Explain why the advice will not work for you and your child. It maybe because circumstances are different or because your parenting philosophy is different.  But remember, this approach may result in a back-and-forth discussion. Be prepared as sometimes this may get into an endless, stressful argument.

Most applicable to: Friends, Other parents, and sometimes with Family

Method 3. Stay out of my business

Snub the advice giver. A simple first response could be "I know what I am doing". If that does not work, make it clear -  "I do not remember asking for your advice".  And then finally - "I do not want your advice".

Most applicable to: Strangers, Anyone who uses a superior tone with you

Method 4. Sit down and clarify your position

This method caters to the stereotypical storyline of Indian soap operas - the saas-bahu conflict, or the stereotypical mother-in-law who gives advice. In this case, the dad and mom need to team up and tackle the mother-in-law (or even both the in-laws or parents) about what your plans are and how you want your child to be brought up. A simple, direct conversation by one of the two (dad or mom) is the most helpful in this scenario, and states clearly you want to follow your own parenting path and are not really looking for advice.

Sometimes, you can say something to assuage their feelings - "I will definitely seek you out for advice on X or Y". Don't say this everytime as this is just an invitation for more parenting advice.

Most applicable to: Mother-in-law, In-laws, Parents

Method 5. Proactively prevent advice from well-meaning friends

Sometimes, we use our friends just to unload our parenting stress. And suddenly, they start giving us advice too, even if they are themselves only as experienced as we are at parenting. How do we avoid this? Get together a group of friends and setup a time to meet with some rules - Everyone just needs some time to unload what is on their mind, No one should give advice unless specifically requested. That's it.

You can do this at one of your homes or at a restaurant. Give everyone a chance to get a load off their chest, without judgement or unsolicited advice.

Most applicable to: Friends

Well, we do not have the magic formulae yet of how to get in the school that is on top of your list.  But we have here some practical guidelines, criteria and advice that will help you figure out how to approach selecting an appropriate school for your child.

First things first: Researching the list of schools

• Figure out what works best for your child and family and what you all value. You might not have all the golden answers from day one but some introspection will help you narrow down on schools and tame this jungle better. Of course do discuss with your spouse. The process is iterative and as you visit schools and talk to parents you will better understand what you want in a school.
  • For example: Does your child work best in a structured or unstructured environment, does your child need a lot of attention? As a family what do you value - academic achievements, allround emphasis on sports, extra curricular activities etc.
• The schools websites and prospectus will also give you lots of information about the school and what they emphasize.
• Nothing like talking to other like-minded parents and seeing what works for them and what does not. Check out the Parentree school reviews and ask your Parentree parent friends for ideas. If there is someone who's blog and discussions you really gel with, go ahead and ask them for suggestions through the internal message system on Parentree.
• Do go and see the schools on your short list. Talk to the principals and teachers. Ask them probing questions.
  • For example, what is the main emphasis of the school? You will better understand if it is the merit list type of academic achievement or holistic learning. 

Some typical selection criteria and checklist (What to look for)

(Not in an particular order of importance as different parents view and value different criteria differently)

These will help you to short-list schools and some common criteria for assessing schools. You can use this as a checklist as you talk to other parents and schools.

• Kind of school (in general)
  • Is the school a mainstream, alternative, international, blend of mainstream/alternative, particular philosophy, co-ed etc.
  • What are the values and the emphasis of the school?
    • Academic achievements, fostering competition, holistic learning, balance of academics and activities, child-centred or curriculum centred? Is the school structured or unstructured?
• Curriculum
  • The curriculum of the school. What do they teach?
  • The board: CBSE, ICSE, IGCSE, IB, State Boards etc. Check out Parentree article on School Boards in India to understand the different boards.
  • The subjects offered and the subject combination and electives offered in higher classes (class 11 and 12)
  • The languages taught.
  • Till what class is the school etc. A school that has only the primary classes may result in you having to find another school when you child gets past class 5. Many good schools do not have that many seats open in the higher classes and a transfer may become difficult.
•  Teachers and the staff (the real humans behind the school).
  • The quality and quantity of the teachers in the school are very important. While talking to other parents or school principals probe what kind of teachers they have, their qualifications and experience level, teacher training and teacher turnover.
  • Do look at the principal’s background. A great principal can really make a school.
• Teaching and assessment (methods and style).
  • What are the methods of teaching used? Textbooks, workbooks, class discussions, projects etc.?
  • How do they assess students? Is it exams, quizzes, continuous assessment,unit/monthly tests, general assessment.
  • Do they have grades, marks or detailed descriptive assessments?
  • How much homework do they get?
  • What kind of learning does the school espouse and encourage? Rote based, balanced, conceptual, applied, lateral, creative?
  • Are the students encouraged to ask questions and discuss?
  • How do the teachers interact with the students and motivate them? Do they punish? How do they punish?
  • How do the kids move to higher classes?
  • Do you have a stand on what methods work best for your child and your family? Talk to other parents to try and figure this out.
• The student-teacher ratio.
  • How many students are there per teacher in a class? Lower the student-teacher ratio, the chances are that more attention your child will get. In lower classes especially, a low ratio is very desirable and important.
• School safety
  • How do they keep the students safe?
  • How do they screen visitors to the school?
  • Their sick-child policy etc.
• Daily, weekly and yearly routine and schedule
  • Sometimes it can really help to understand how a typical day flows in the school. What are the timings? The breaks? Whether they give lunch in school? Do they get any play or unstructured time?
  • What is the weekly time table? How many times do they have PE (Physical Education) or other extracurricular activities?
  • It can also help to understand the schedule of different events the school has: Show and Tell, school play, sports day, other events, whether every student gets to participate or only a few?
  • What external competitive tests does the school have? (Olympiads, IAIS, Macmillan, South of Wales, Asset testing,  Spelling Bee etc.). This can indicate what the kind of learning (conceptual, applied, lateral, rote learning) the school is leaning towards.
• School infrastructure.
  • How are the sports facilities, building, the classrooms etc.
  • School cleanliness - bathrooms etc.
  • The classrooms.
  • Is the classroom space is clean, tidy and inspiring? Does it have work done by students? 
  • The computer rooms, the labs and equipment
  • Playgrounds and open areas
• The activities and sports the school offers.
  • Is there a certain activity or sport your child and family is crazy about? Is it offered in the school? Will the child have time to pursue that activity?
  • Do the students participate in inter-school sports and extracurricular events and competitions. What is the school's performance in these?
• Parent teacher communication
  • How can parents communicate with teachers? What forums does the school have?
    • Some schools have regular parent teacher meetings. In some schools, parents can walk over to the school any time while in some schools parents can request meeting on certain times.
    • Some schools communicate to the parents - via the Internet, circulars etc.
  • It is not the most important criteria that you will look at in a school, but it might give you general indication of the school’s overall philosophy.
•  Distance from the school and the commute time
  • Typically, it can really help your family if the school is near. Less commute time in the traffic and pollution is better for their physical and mental well-being. And they can spend more time doing real stuff - like spending time with you, playing, studying, activities etc. Of course if there are no good schools in your area, it is a different story.
  • Does the school offer a bus or van service ?
• The fees
  • What are the fees? Can you afford it? Of course try and give your child the best education within your means. Do not overly stretch your budget and unnecessarily strain your family. Is not worth it.
• Your gut-feel
  • The general gut reaction you have about the school as you talk to parents and teachers and see the school can be very important.
  • Of course do all the research and analysis but do not over analyse. Listen to your gut.
  • Can you picture your child in the school? Do you see your child happy in the school?
  • Do not get overtly swayed by keeping up with your neighbours or how prestigious a school is but by how your child can benefit.           

Remember that you cannot have it all and no place or no one is perfect. No school is perfect and can meet all your criteria. A common woe of us 21st century parents! I sound like my mom but I feel it is true. We want it all for our little ones. You cannot give them all. Some compromises are always necessary. Do research and find out what is important to you and then just listen to your gut and relax. I have to keep reminding myself to do so. :-)

Typical example:

You are about to go to meet your college friends and your son wants to go with you too. You refuse to take him and he says "It's not fair".

What you are tempted to do or say

• Threaten to punish him if he continues his behaviour
• Get angry and shout him down
• Bribe him because you feel guilty on hearing that your child thinks you are "unfair"

What you should do

• Explain why you have to do what you have to do and why your child has to do what he has to do
• Give examples of compromises you made for him and explain that fairness means everyone gets some of what they want
• Give an example where your child got what he wanted while someone else did not (like when he picked a movie, or a restaurant etc.,)
• Distract his attention and give him something else to focus on (not a bribe). Like the benefits of doing what he was asked to do.

Is there a silver lining to this type of behaviour?

If you are getting frustrated by this type of behaviour, remember this scenario does have some long term benefits to it.

• Fairness - Your child has started to understand that fairness means give and take, not just getting what he wants
• And of course, he is learning assertiveness, which in the right measures is a very good thing.

So how do you keep the parent-child relationship healthy and beneficial to the child? Read on for some tips.

Explain why you have to be away from your child

Children need to understand why their parent is away from them. They will look around among their peers and notice that most have both parents around. Being sensitive, they may think the separation is their fault. So explain why you have to go away, how you will stay in touch and when you will meet them again.

Communicate liberally with your child during the separation

Stay in touch as much as possible with your child. Call on the phone, send SMS', long emails or even write letters to exchange information with your child. Write very descriptively about what is happening with you. If possible, get a webcam and do some video conferencing using yahoo messenger or similar software. Get a digital camera and have your spouse take lots of pictures of the children including photos of their latest activities, arts, crafts etc.,  and send them to you. Discuss these with your children.

Both parents should be supportive of each other's decisions

When distance separates parents, decisions about children often have to made individually. It is important that each parent support the other in their decisions, especially in front of the children. Reserve any criticism for a private chat between the parents. The children should see a united front of parents.

Do not feel guilty and spoil the children

When you come home, irrespective of the length of the absence, do not exhibit guilt. Children can easily notice these emotions and become confused. When dealing with them, the absent parent tends to be more lenient and lets the children get away with more. Resist the urge to allow this. It makes the job harder for the parent who stays with the children, as children will start comparing one parent with another.

Get your own exclusive "parent-child" activity

When you are with your child, find an activity that only you do with him or her. It could be a visit to a bookstore that is far away, a visit to a big park, a game that you play (chess) etc. It can be anything!! The idea is to find something that is interesting to the child and that is associated with you in the child's mind. Mention this activity to the other parent so they know this is reserved for you. This activity gives you and your child something to look forward to when you meet again.

Remember, children seldom question the motives of parents and dealing with them in a simple and honest fashion is the best way to achieve a good parent-child relationship.

Water

Do not take chances on water. They can feel thirsty in the car or at different times and clean water might not be available. Keep their water bottle or some other water bottle. The small bottles that you get in the planes and trains can be very handy. But make sure that you do not reuse them too many times.

Snack

You never know when the hunger pangs strike the little ones or yourself. It could be in the car while going for the outing, while returning or in the thick of watching the giraffe chomping on leaves in the zoo. So be prepared. The best is to carry some non-perishables healthy but fun stuff like the Horlicks Nutri Bars, dried cereal, nuts or dried fruit in a box. You can even take some cut fruit in boxes. Avoid bananas (unless you keep them carefully) since they can get squished. 

Keep small Tupperware or other boxes handy. Even if you plan to be eating out or planning to be coming home for lunch, it is possible you might get delayed, so you can pack a snacky lunch or heavy snack that they can eat at most places. For example: puris, idlis, peanut butter sandwich with wheat bread. And do not forget something for yourself as well. A cranky mom or dad are not ideal. ;-)

Comfy shoes or sandals

Keep the pretty strappy shoes for parties and not for the weekend excursions. Make sure that their footwear is comfortable. There can be a lot of walking involved.

Camera

Do not forget to pop in the nifty little digital camera to capture all the fun moments.

Bandaids

Just pop a few in your purse to be anticipate any of the impish mis-haps.

Tissue napkins and wet wipes

These go far taking care of runny noses and the icky messes they might make.

Hand sanitizer

Carry this in case you cannot get to washing hands. If the kids want to eat something in the car or where the bathrooms are not clean or not accessible, hand sanitizers are very handy. In fact you can carry this in your purse at most times.

Bag it!

Now how to carry all these things? You want to be prepared but also want the hands-free convenience. You can either carry them or have the little ones carry small backpacks with some stuff. Or you can carry a chunky handbag that is in vogue these days and pop in some of these things in that.

Some of these things you can stock beforehand and carry at most times - like hand sanitizer, tissues, bandaids etc. The others like perishables you need to pop in before you leave. And of course there might be child specific items like their allergy medicines if they get allergies in the outdoors or a some spare clothes in case the kids are not totally toilet trained. But this list is relevant for most young kids.

Have fun and enjoy all the precious moments. They go so fast!

Read also

Smart tips for chic new moms

Typical example:

"I want to eat my kheer before I eat lunch"

What you are tempted to do or say

• No you cannot have it. I told you already.
• Say "Sorry, you don't like what I said" and then walk away
• Get angry and shout her down

What you should do

• Try to give her other choices
• Distract her attention
• You can also ask her to "Give me a few good reasons why you want to do it rather than claiming its your choice. I am willing to listen to your reasons and reconsider the decision".
• And sometimes say "Sorry you cannot have it". Walk away and ignore further pleas.
• Do not give in to pleas, threats and whining.

Is there a silver lining to this type of behaviour?

If you are getting frustrated by this type of behaviour, remember this scenario does have some long term benefits to it.

• Decision making - Your daughter has realized that she can make her own decisions (Of course, in your mind, the question is whether she can make good decisions or not!). But in the long run this will help her.
• Choices and tradeoffs - She learns to balance multiple choices against each other
• And of course, she is learning assertiveness, which in the right measures is a very good thing.