The grievances of the siblings of the special needs children: These siblings are often cocooned inside the shell of very conflicting emotions. They suffer in silence mostly, as they find it difficult to voice out their problems when the parents are already in so much of distress over the problems of the special needs child. However, it is very important to understand the siblings’ grievances to be fair to them, as well to avoid a bigger problem in later life. Some of their problems are:

• Needs overshadowed: this is perhaps the biggest complaint of the unaffected sibling. He often feels that his needs are always given less priority. With parents much pressed for time, money and support system, his needs feel crushed under those of the special needs sibling.
• Attention much less than deserved: he feels that the parents are always looking after the other sibling and that they do not have time for him at all. He often feels neglected and ignored.
• Outings very restricted: with a sibling who cannot go out to many places, the unaffected child also has very limited outings. He doesn’t go to places like Water Park, jungle safari, movies etc, as the parents cannot take the affected sibling there.
• Limited social relationships: the social relationship of a sibling of the special child is often very limited. His friends hesitate to come over and parents can’t drop him to various places either. He misses his friends’ birthday parties if there is no one to look after the sibling while the parents drive him to the venue. He himself cannot throw a party unless parents make sure that there is someone to look after the special child in question.
• High expectations: many parents unconsciously try to compensate the loss of achievements of their affected child by pushing the other child to perform and achieve. The ‘normal’ sibling is expected to score, behave, understand, sacrifice and comfort the parents all the time.
• Worries: the unaffected sibling often harbours an unconscious fear of losing the special needs brother/sister and might want to detach himself emotionally from the other child in order to save himself from the constant painful fear of loss. He also wonders if the illness or the disability is contagious and might want to refrain from any proximity either.
• Developing symptoms: another conflicting emotion that the sibling might harbor is that of guilt. He feels guilty for being the ‘spared one’. He may develop some symptoms of the affected sibling with two unconscious purposes- one, to console the other child that he understands the pain and second, to get similar attention from parents.
• No good time with parents: he finds it difficult to have intimate moments with parents as parents are always busy attending to the needs and demands of the child in distress. He doesn’t get their ‘stress-free’ time to discuss plans, problems or share his fantasies, fears etc.

Due to these problems that haunt him all the time, he may develop anxieties, phobias, aggressive behaviour, aloofness, learning disorders, depression and/or asocial tendencies.   Being the sibling of a special needs child is not all bad. It has a good side too. Such siblings are special in their own ways. They develop many virtues owing to the difficult times they have been through. The most important benefit of being such a special sibling is the development of positive attributes in personality like tolerance, patience, dependability, reliability, sensitivity, compassion, understanding and high maturity level.  

Guidelines for parents: While parenting a special need child is very taxing and stressful, you need to manage your time, money and energy if you have other kids too who are not affected by the illness or the disorder. Here’s what you can do:

• Try to recognize and meet needs of all kids alike. In fact, from time to time, put the needs of the unaffected child on top priority.
• Help the unaffected child develop good social relationships. Send the disabled child with the father to the park and invite over the other child’s friends to have a stress-free party at home.
• While you may be very busy and preoccupied with the remediation of the special needs of one child, it is highly important to recognize, encourage and appreciate the academic, developmental, social achievements of the other kid too.
• Get support system to manage the special needs kid at home while you get some personal time to take the other kid out to movies, shopping, zoo etc
• Get support system to help the unaffected kid at home if the special needs child has to be taken to doctor for therapy or diagnosis, so that there is no unnecessary exposure to doctors, afflictions of other patients, radiations at hospitals etc.
• Encourage the ‘normal’ child to talk about his feelings without any pressure and help him express grief, anger, jealousy in the experienced proportions. Accept his emotions and express your own mixed feelings too, in a language that he would understand. Suppressed emotions may lead to depression, psychosomatic problems, learning disabilities, aggression. So you can’t shove them under the carpet.

Written by Aanchal Agarwal, Aanchal is a psychotherapist, and founder of Confident Living. She specializes in child development and learning disabilities.

Love and affection

Happiness accelerates learning. When a child is stress-free, feels loved unconditionally and is showered with affection, he or she grows with a deep confidence in himself and in his parents and with a genuine curiosity to know and discover without fear. This confidence and curiosity form the foundation for learning for years to come.

Good sleep and right nutrition

Good learning starts and ends with a fresh, alert and healthy mind and body. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise; these are not just old sayings. They have a lot of truth in them. Nutritious eating and healthy sleep habits provide strength, stamina and energy to the child, to keep infections at bay and to focus on his or her environment with interest and attention. Poor nutrition may even lead to learning disabilities. 

Exposure and repetition

It is important to expose various things to the child and not limit learning to alphabets, concepts, numbers and rhymes. It is more important to unburden yourself from the pressure of "what are they learning when I am showing them this leaf- is it pattern, shape, environment, or color?". Because the pressure of teaching concepts with everything can actually make you neglect something in which you don’t find a concept. So the best idea is to generally expose things to the child, show various aspects of each thing and leave it to the child to absorb what he or she wants. Children need repetition to remember.

So it may not suffice to teach something "once and for all". Teaching a child is a continuous and on-going process with lots of repetitions with innovations.

Trust on innate capabilities

When a child responds well when something is taught to him, it excites and encourages parents to teach him more. Out of their genuine excitement, they sometimes do not give adequate consideration to the child’s inherent capacity to learn. Over-stimulation is detrimental for learning. So it’s a wrong theory to "teach as much as possible, so that something interests the child at least". Over-stimulation backfires by making the child hyperactive and disinterested in what is being taught to him. How much of teaching is alright depends entirely upon the child’s interest areas and capabilities. Not only quantity-wise, it is also important to respect your child learning interests quality-wise. While you may not understand the usefulness of things beyond academic syllabus, the child may not understand the usefulness of things in the syllabus. Not all children want to learn alphabets and counting when they are 3 years old, because they can’t see the usefulness of the information. Some are more interested in understanding about sun, moon and stars, while some get more excited to learn about animal kingdom. It is important to teach them in a way that they find interesting as well as useful.

This is the time and age of information and new knowledge bombarding at us from all sides. It shouldn’t create pressure on us. Knowledge is supposed to make life easy for us, and not burden us with the expectation to pass all of it to our kids. The pressure we feel to teach doesn’t go unnoticed by kids. Their antennas catch this pressure, making them stressed about this whole process of "learning".

Teaching shouldn’t make us anxious and learning shouldn’t make the kids anxious. Then only true learning takes place.  

Written by Aanchal Agarwal, Aanchal is a psychotherapist and special educator and mother, based in Bangalore. She specializes in child development and learning disabilities. 

Teenagers who share a cordial relationship with their parents are better able to cope with the high voltage drama of adolescence. In fact, the intensity of their problems seem too high and unnerving to those who lose a good bond with their parents during this transitional crisis. The extraordinarily high importance of friends develops in this phase to compensate for the damaged relationship with parents. Unfortunately, these new developments take them further away from their parents and it becomes a vicious cycle from which the teenagers find it impossible to come out of their own.

Why it happens

Why does this beautiful relationship between the parents and the kid start withering when kids reach adolescence in the first place? A careful analysis will help us understand how things transpire between parents and teenagers.

Teenagers are in a very delicate state of mind. They are not kids anymore and yet are not fully matured adults. They feel oscillating between childhood’s freedom and adulthood’s responsibilities. They face a severe identity crisis during this period as they lose their state of belongingness to either of the two categories. The new changes in their bodies make them very self conscious. They feel scared about this strange metamorphosis. They don’t know what may happen next. To make matter worse, this is generally the time when academic pressure rises exponentially too. They start thinking about their career plans. The very idea of being on their own very soon in future is very stressful. Coping with too many things at the same time gets difficult and they wish to confide and share with those who understand.

For parents, it’s not so easy either. Their 'babies' suddenly start talking about dating, fashion, alcohol, menstruation. They feel very awkward to sometimes even talk to their teenagers. Most parents tend to compare 'their times' with 'today’s times'. They compare the responsibilities they had when they were teenagers themselves with the freedom and opportunities they perceive kids have now. It leads to an unfair comparison, as times have changed a lot since then and there is no match between the opportunities, exposure, expectation, stress of the two eras. Their inability to relate with their teenagers propels the kids more towards peers, much away from family.

In many cases these days, with all the latest gadgets in the market that parents are not very familiar with but their children are, the latter starts thinking too high of themselves and too low of parents. Teenagers dating for the first time don’t want to discuss about this with their parents assuming that their parents, who probably never dated in their youth, wouldn’t know enough to share the excitement and/or guide properly.

What to do

Teenagers are already in turmoil. Almost everything is very alien to their system. On the other hands, parents have already been there, done that. So the onus lies more on parents to take the reins in their hands before things turn ugly. They need a very delicate, gentle, sensitive and most importantly, sensible approach of parenting, when it comes to teenagers. Here are some tips for parents of young adults:

1. Talk... ( or at least try to) Open communication channels leads to better understanding. Describe situations, give information without criticism and long lectures. Coach them on budding sexuality, cautions, consequences at a level you both feel comfortable. State your own feelings from when you were a teenager yourself, and now when you are a parent without trying to make them feel bad.
2. Invite them to give their point of view and encourage them to come up with their own solutions to a problem. Give them a chance to verbalise their wishes and fantasies. Try to empathise with what they say. Do not dismiss or ridicule their feelings. Keep prejudices aside and look at them with fresh perception.
3. Establish clarity between their freedom and responsibility. Explain what is expected from them, what they can and cannot do. State expectations, values, freedom, and responsibilities clearly without sounding moral and bullying. Take care to neither overburden them with expectations nor pamper them too much like babies.
4. Be a friend to them and understand their complexes - like poor self image, dieting, depression, anger - as a friend without making any judgment. Invite their friends over and get to know them better. Give them enough privacy though and do not become a voyeur parent.
5. Encourage them to enrol into various activities to help them channelize their energy into a positive direction.
6. Teenagers have a very high degree of curiosity. They want to learn by doing. Give them freedom to do healthy experiments like a new hair cut, change of wardrobe, adoption of new style and attitude. This reduces the urge to get into unhealthy experiments.
7. Update yourself. Know what’s happening in the world of teens these days.

Parenting a teenager shouldn’t become power control issue in the house. The more in control teenagers feel, the less they try to bring control by any means. Once they feel that their parents are genuinely trying to understand them and their problems, they feel connected and want to do as parents say.

Written by Aanchal Agarwal, Aanchal is a psychotherapist and special educator and mother, based in Bangalore. She specializes in child development and learning disabilities.

1. Thou shalt not have sex in the kid’s presence

No matter how small the kid is, parents must take care not to have sex in the kid’s vision range. Even if the kid is sleeping, parents must not get tempted. During sleep,the two senses, auditory and kinesthetic, are receptive and can interfere with kid’s dreams to create unwanted perceptions. Also, it will be a source of great embarrassment if the kid wakes up to see what the parents are upto. It doesn’t mean that parents have to behave like saints in front of the kid. Hugging, kissing and snuggling are quite acceptable and in fact give a lot of confidence and comfort to a kid to see his parents having a good relationship. Parents must maintain the thin line between romance and sexuality.

2. Thou shalt not lie and cheat others in the kid’s knowledge

Kids learn their values from parents. While we all have to lie to others at some point or the other (like telling a pesky salesman that you don’t have money to buy his product in order to get rid of him), we must take care that we don’t do so in front of our kid. And even if we have to, we should make it a point to talk to the kid about it later and explain how important it was. When there is someone at the door or phone we don’t want to meet or talk to, we often ask kids to tell the person that we are not available. While it makes sense to us, it creates confusion in kids’ mind who have so far been hearing from us that we should not lie or cheat. They learn to lie and also form an impression that it’s ok not to practice what you preach.

3. Thou shalt not fight with your partner in front of the kid

While one would think that this should not be done AT ALL, fighting and shouting are the bitter truths of many marriages. Watching parents fight has a very detrimental effect on children. Domestic violence has been a big reason behind poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety and a sense of guilt in children. Parents patch up privately and hardly in front of kids. Thus kids learn how to fight but do not learn how to make amends. This affects their socializing skills negatively.

4. Thou shalt not complain about the kid when he or she is around

Many parents do this. They talk about the bad habits of the kid in front of him. Someone makes a remark as to how thin the child is looking and Lo! the parents, especially mothers, start talking about what a big fussy eater he is, how he never eats/drinks healthy food, how he gobbles down junk food. And the complaint goes on and on. This not only embarrasses the child, but also compounds the issue. The child hits back by further refusing the food.

5. Thou shalt not hit your child

Parents must take care to learn to discipline the child without resorting to emotional and physical punishments. Punishment acts as a knife on the child, literally. It cuts his sense of self. It cuts his deep bonds with his parents. It cuts his belief in himself. It forces him to resort to revenge, resentment, rebellion or depression, creating a vicious cycle of problems.

6. Thou shalt not compare your kid with other kids ever

Two mothers with their respective kids playing together can barely go without making comparisons between the kids’ abilities, habits, parenting styles, support system at home etc etc. The two main aims at doing comparisons are firstly to encourage the child if he is lagging behind by showing others as examples and secondly to get sympathy from other parents for having a ‘difficult’ child. But such comparisons do more harm than good to the child. They destroy the child’s self confidence completely as well as give him a message that his parents are not happy with him.

Follow these 6 commandments and thou shalt raise a happy, confident and loving child !

Written by Aanchal Agarwal, Aanchal is a psychotherapist, special educator and mother, based in Bangalore. She specializes in child development and learning disabilities.

1. Do not forget that you are a husband

You have added a new role of "dad" to your current roles. But that does not replace your role of "husband". That will remain one of your primary roles and comes with its own responsibilities.

2. Your mother does not know all about parenting

When writing this blog post, we debated whether this should be Tip #1 or not. But then we decided to leave it where it is. There is nothing more detrimental to your relationship with your wife, than to claim or advise your wife that your mother's way is the best way to parent your child. Remember, times have changed since your mother brought you up.  And even if your mother is right, do not point that our to your wife, in front of your mother!

3. Child rearing is your job too

Dads have a great responsibility and role in bringing up children. Along with mom, you are one of the two role models that your child looks up to. Get involved in bringing up your child. From changing diapers to playing with them to helping them finish their homework. Your involvement will strengthen your relationship with your wife.

4. Give Mom a break from the kids

If despite your attempts, mom does the bulk of the work with the kids, try and give her a break whenever possible. Remember that spending time with children can wear one down. Read our article - Dads - 10 Ways to give mom a break from the kids.

5. Spend time with your wife, alone

Whether you live in a joint family or not, it is always difficult to find time to talk unless you make a conscious attempt to find that time. And nothing improves relationships better than talking. There are many way to do this. Take your wife out to a restaurant while your parents or parents-in-law take care of the children. Or go to a movie. If you do not have family to take care of children, find another couple with who you can take turns taking care of both sets of children. If you cannot do these, then find an activity which your wife does alone and make time around it. For example, if she gets up early to cook, get up early with her and talk to her while she is cooking in the kitchen.

6. Say Thanks to your wife. Show you are grateful.

Often moms complain that it is not the hard work that bothers them. It is the fact that no one recognizes it. Think about all the things mom takes care of - food, clothes, books, homework, playdates, family functions, doctors, classes. Never forget this. Make sure you acknowledge her contributions directly to her. A simple thanks would be great. But even more important, do not trivialize her efforts saying "What's the big deal with what you do?"

7. Don't forget Mother's Day

While Mother's Day is only one day of the year, celebrate it with your children and make your wife feel special.

8. Continue to focus on your common interests

Think back to how you and your wife spent time before kids. What were all the common interests you had. Did you like going to the beach and having chaat/icecream, did you enjoy movies, did you like gossiping, did you like the same authors? Remember to keep that interest going.

9. Small gifts. Large impact.

Keep the romance in the relationship. Surprise your wife with small gifts - an earring, a book. And if you are brave, you can even get clothes :-) It does not have to be expensive, it just has to be thoughtful. Paraphrasing an ad "Remind her why she fell in love with you".

10. Celebrate anniversaries

Of course the wedding anniversaries are the big ones. Do something special. But don't forget the small ones you used to celebrate before you had kids. Your first movie together. Your first kiss. Put these in your calendar so you won't forget.

11. Maintain a fun sexual relationship

And while this is the most obvious, it also often becomes the most ignored as excuses seem to come up from all possible directions. And before you know it the magic is lost. Keep this mind and don't forget to have fun.

Remember, a relationship between husband and wife can easily weaken if enough effort is not put into it. As a dad, you need to do your part. Good luck.

Tattling

Tattling is unacceptable except in certain circumstances.

Negative effects of tattling:

• Children do not learn to resolve problems between themselves. Instead they keep going to an adult.
• The tattler not be able to make or keep friends if they are known as a tattler.
• The one tattled upon may feel victimized.
• You may find yourself being involved in every small dispute, which may drive you crazy.
• The number of differences or fights between your children will increase significantly as they do not mutually resolve differences.

Circumstances in which tattling is acceptable (in these cases it is not tattling, it is a legitimate complaint):

• For safety reasons
• If there is an impending emergency
• If there is an impending health, behavioral or criminal problem
• If someone is being physically abused or bullied
• When the conflict has become very bad

What to do when tattling is unacceptable?

• Counsel the tattler
  • If they complain about something that does not concern them, tell them to focus on themselves and turn the topic towards them -  "You should focus on yourself. Your brother and I communicate very well also. Tell me about your day"
  • If they complain about a small issue between the two, counsel them to resolve their own differences - "You and your sister need to resolve your issues amongst yourselves. You know what is right, wrong, fair and unfair. What do you recommend as the solution for this?"
• If you see a consistent pattern of tattling, take them aside and talk to them.
  • Do not have this talk just when they have tattled. Have it at a different time when they are in a communicative mood.
  • Treat the matter gently rather than harshly.
  • Ask them why they feel they have to complain about their sibling - there maybe some deep-rooted feelings which you should try to understand. If you get a good explanation, discuss with them how to resolve it. 
  • When their tattling is about bad behaviour by someone else, do compliment them on recognizing what is good behaviour and what is not. But teach them how to try and resolve it by themselves without complaining to an adult.
  • Do explain to them what your expectations are.
  • Make it clear to them that they should feel comfortable to come talk to you about what they observe, but tell them when it is acceptable and when it is not.
  • Explain to them that they need to build their own relationships with siblings and not just with you
  • Explain to them that "words" are great tools to use and they should use them with their siblings.
• Do not immediately punish the child who is being tattled on
  • By ignoring the complaint, you are telling the tattler that there is nothing to gain from tattling.
  • But do not ignore the problem either. Keep an eye for similar behaviour and address it proactively the next time you see it.

Tattling is not something you can eliminate completely. Neither is your child an exception. All children tattle some of the time.

The best approach for you is to work with your child over time and explain what is acceptable and what is not.

References

Frustration can lead to hitting

Is there anything that is frustrating your child? Does the hitting happen when your child is not getting her way? Try to identify the source of your child's frustration. There could be many sources, including:

• Is your child playing with others who do not give her a fair chance?
• Has your child not understand how to play fairly? Is he asking for more than a fair share?
• Is the child being instructed constantly what to do and what not to do? Does he feel like he has no freedom?
• Are the child's motor skills not developed enough for certain activities, thus causing frustration? For example, fitting together small parts in a toy requires fine motor skills, which take time to develop.
• Do you get angry with your child when she does not live up to your high expectations? Do you tell her that she is not "good enough"? Is she learning from you that "winning is the only thing"?
• Are your child's communication skills developed well enough so he can complain? When he complains, do you hear him out or do you say "Do not complain" and cut him off?

Try to observe your child for these signs of frustration. If you spot them, depending on the source, try to either remove the source of frustration or do not put the child in that situation.

Constant scolding or punishment will not work

When you see your child hitting others, do step in quickly. And sometimes, you may want to discipline the child to make them understand that hitting is not allowed. However, if you see this happening often, constantly scolding, punishing or disciplining the child may not work. If this happens continuously, it may merely increase the frustration levels of both you and your child, and make the problem harder to solve.

Teach your child to express his feelings

See what example you are setting when your child frustrates you.  Do you raise your hand or spank your child? Do you physically threaten the child? Could your child be mimicking your behaviour? If you use words, then point out to your child how you deal with problems. Tell her that you talk about your differences with others or with your spouse. There are also books and some TV show episodes that illustrate this point to children. Whenever your child hits others because she felt frustrated, sit down and talk to her about how she could have expressed her feelings verbally rather than physically. Steadily, keep making this point, and you will see a positive effect.

When he or she chooses to express her feelings, do give them a good hearing and listen carefully. Have a conversation about their feelings and show that you care about resolving any issues the child may have.

Is your child seeking attention?

Is your child hitting others to seek attention? Are you spending enough time with your child and sharing their experiences? Are both you and your spouse working? Are you bringing a lot of work home? If any of these are true, try to find ways to resolve this:

• See if you can reserve an hour or two each day to spend with your child - maybe early in the morning or maybe you can put away your work in the evening and do it later at night
• Can you get the assistance of grandparents who can spend time with the child?

Often the lack of attention , results in the child trying to seek creative ways of getting it. Hitting is one of them, especially if you intervene immediately.

Television

Television shows like Tom and Jerry which portray hitting each other as comical and harmless, may have given your child the same idea. Sit down and explain to them that these shows are imaginary and that in real life, such acts cause physical and emotional harm.

Awaken empathy in your child

Whenever an episode of hitting happens, ask your child how he would feel if he were hit. Ask him to think about the hurt he caused the other child. Ask him how he would feel if he has been hit. Also see - Building empathy in children.

Intervention

When you see your child hitting someone else, do intervene. Step in, calm your child down. Then convince him to apologize (instead of forcing him) and ask him why he felt the need to hit. Sit down and spend some time talking with your child about what happened.

Aggressive behaviours like hitting can occur as mostly temporary phase of a young child's life and as the child matures, the hitting tends to disappear. But do not ignore the problem. With positive intervention from you, your child will eventually learn that it is not acceptable to resolve differences through hitting.

So moms (dads too) it is time to get ready for the big 2 months with your kids. We have some tips here:

1. Get the fun material ready and handy! Stock up on fun toys, books, project ideas for your kids and to do with your kids. Crafts, science experiments, cooking, reading stories, dancing with them to the latest bollywood beat, picnics, movies or just plain hanging out. No dearth of ideas. Ask the Parentree community for ideas.
2. Nothing like you for them! Make sure that you or your spouse or some other loving adult (like a grandparent) are spending some time with them. If you work, plan at work accordingly. If possible, get help if you cannot spend much time with them. Perfect time to have a loving grandparent spend time with them. Good for all the three parties! - for the kids, for the grandparents and some respite for you as well.
3. NOW is the time to research and sign-up for summer camps or summer courses if you have not already. Swimming, tennis, fun camps, outdoorsy camps, theatre, art, craft, music, dancing,  martial arts, eclectic stuff…there is no dearth of all sorts of summer camps for kids these days. Ask the Parentree community for leads.
4. Tread the fine balance between keeping them busy and keeping them chilled out. Do not overload them with structured activities, classes, summer camps. Make sure they have some idle time to just be and just chill. Remember our own leisurely summer hols with mangos and Enid Blytons. Little bit of that old fashioned leisure can be rejuvenating for them after the regimen of school, classes, birthday parties…
5. Thirsty kya?  It is summer time. So stock up on juices and ideas for soft drinks. Nothing beats fresh nimbu paani. What about making a big jug in the morning and keeping it for whenever they are thirsty. There are watermelons galore at this time. Just blend some watermelons and you have fresh water melon juice. Keep water handy so that they help themselves.
6. Hungry kya? Swimming, cycling, romping, playdates and yes driving you crazy…all these activities are bound to make them hungry all the time. Keep good stock of fun and healthy snacks and snack ideas. Perfect time to cook / bake with them. 
7. Cool cool clothes! Make sure that they have some light, cotton clothes which breathe well to keep them cool. If possible make sure they are 100% cotton. It can make a lot of difference to how cool and comfortable they feel. Look around for great deals in your local export surplus shops. Can get some cute bargains. Again ask your friendly Parentree pals for leads to some cool summer shopping.
8. Stay healthy. There are some do’s and don’ts. For example, try and avoid icy cold water as soon as they get back from the hot sun all sweaty, especially if they are prone to sore throats. If they go swimming for a long time in the hot sun during noon time, do put some sun lotion with a SPF of higher than 30 or even SPF 45. Make sure they stay hydrated and drink lots of fluids.
9. Reading, reading, reading! This is where it is good to give them some free unstructured time so that they get a chance to read and actually feel like reading. I remember how once when I was little, I was bored and then just read my first Enid Blyton and never stopped the reading habit. Get some books. Scour the used bookstores. Exchange with friends and join some libraries. Keep lots of books around the house.
10. Workbook time! Not just fun and games. The summer break does get long. And many experienced teachers fret that when the kids get back, they get pretty rusty. So do keep some quality workbooks in math and writing. Get them to write a journal for summer. Get a fun diary for them based on their interest - even if it is Spiderman, Ben 10, Hanna Montana or Barbie. ;-). Have them write a book, letters or emails to their friends and relatives.

Treating them as adults even at a young age

Many parents today are very focused on making their children independent. We want children to make their own decisions. More and more parents are asking even very young children to make a decision on their own.  We do this is by treating them like adults and asking them to make a decision. Then we get angry when they make the "wrong" decision.

Are our children really ready for this type of independent decision making? When we ask them to do this, have we as parents really given them the tools to make such a decision? Should we treat them as adults? Can they really be expected to make the right decision every time?

Children have hardly seen enough of the world. They are living in the umbrella of love we are giving them. Our role as parents is to guide them, provide them the opportunities to think about decisions that have to be made, and guide them through the decision making process. No child is born a good decision maker.

So if you are treating your child like an adult from an early age and expecting them to make the "right" decision every time, you are under-parenting!!

Choice is not always good

Many parents are very affluent these days. We are able to offer our children a lot of choices. We throw choices at them for everything - for lunch, for dinner, for birthdays, for movies. Everything and anything seems to be about choices. Many parents feel that it helps their children make a tradeoff and learn how to balance things. But is there much to be learnt from choosing Chinese food vs Italian food, or having a Mickey Mouse birthday theme vs a Ben 10 theme?

In real life, sometimes there is never a choice or the choices have severe constraints. When children are given easy choices all the time, you may be teaching them that there is always a choice and without any constraints.

To teach them about choices, do not give them choices every time. Help them understand that a choice is not always available. And if you do, give them constrained choices.

So if you are always giving your child multiple choices without constraints, you are under-parenting!!

Not putting academic pressure does not mean not working hard

Many parents say they do not want schools that focus only on academics. They seek out schools that offer overall development, with less focus on studies. Such schools do not offer a ton of homework to give the child time after school hours and weekends to spend on activities other than homework also.

Many parents take this to mean that the child is not expected to work hard and that the school does not care much about homework. Schools will tell you that this is not correct. Schools will also tell you that often, even with the lesser amount of homework, the child comes back without finishing the homework. What message are we sending the child when we let this happen?

While it is laudable that parents put lesser academic pressure on children, hard work and diligence are essential characteristics we must inculcate in children. It is our responsibility to teach them that the homework must be completed. Children have to understand that irrespective of the path they choose, they have to have goals and work hard to complete them.

So if you are interpreting the "overall children's development" promised by your school as meaning no effort required from the child, you are under-parenting!!

"I just want my child to be happy"

This is a catchall refrain that is heard often amongst parents. We do whatever it takes to make the child happy.  It is not just about spending money on the child. This "happiness" factor manifests itself in so many different ways, often in situations where it is hard to recognize.  Some examples are below

• When we always cook only the small number of dishes the child chooses to eat, because it makes the child "happy"
• When we always let the child win at games because it makes her "happy"
• When we allow the child to postpone any work he has to do because there is some other thing he wants to do that makes him "happy"
• When we let the child make a mess, but never cleanup because she will not be "happy" doing a cleanup
• When we let the child whine and get his way, because we want him to become "happy"

When we make the child's happiness the only factor that matters, we are teaching them that the life is about their happiness. Imagine your child's rude shock, when she first runs into a fellow student on the playground who refuses to give them the ball or when your child's teacher tells your child that he has no choice but to put away the coloring materials or library books. And in the long term, the child will never be happy because they fail to appreciate the small things in life that make them happy.

So if you are always focusing on the thought "I just want my child to be happy" and doing everything only for that, you are under-parenting!!

As you read through this, you will see that all these aspects - teaching independence, giving choices, lessening academic pressure and your child's happiness - are not bad things to practice. In fact, when used in moderation each one of them can make your child develop into a happy and complete human being. But if you practise them to the extreme, then they produce a negative effect and that is what "under-parenting" is about.

What do you think?

Do not over think it

• Do not over think the relationship. You are her dad. She is your child. There is unconditional love on both sides. Simple!
• Do not worry about whether you can do a good job. As the Beatles once said "All you need is love, love, love is all you need".  Once you focus on giving your child the love she needs, everything automatically develops from there.

Daddy's little girl

You are the first strong man in your daughter's life. Just like a son, she looks at you as a great role model and you will always remain one. You will be the one who opens the hard-to-open bottles, the one who ran behind her as she learned to bike, the one who took her to her first movie etc., etc., In this a daughter sees you no different from a son.

Start bonding early

Read our tips for new dads - 6 ways for new dads to bond with baby.  From the day she is born, get involved with your baby - change her diapers, sing to her, talk to her.

Physical play

When your daughter is young, do indulge in physical play with her. Toss her around, throw pillows at her, give her piggyback rides etc.,. Read Tumbling tots - Rough, physical play. The physical activity is good for her too.Play sports with her - cricket, badminton and more. It sets her on the path of an active lifestyle which is important for her health too.

Play her games

Tea party, Barbie dress up.... Let your daughter pick what she wants to play. Be a sport and sit with her. Drink tea. Help her find that missing accessory for Barbie. If you do not know much about her interests, go read about it on the Internet. There is tons of information available on any topic she is interested in.

Encouragement and compliments

Encourage her in her pursuits. Tell her when she does a good job. Or when she is brave. Or the castle she built.  Or the painting.

Compliment her unique aspects as a girl - her pretty dress, her beautiful hair clip etc.,

Listen more

Girls behave a little differently from boys in one issue. They like to talk through things. Boys may want answers given to them while girls like to talk through the issue. As a dad, you may have to consciously reign in your instincts to find closure and instead listen more. Let her talk through her thoughts, all she is looking for maybe a good listener. If you can be a good listener, it can lay the foundation for a good relationship with her even as she grows up.

Allocate a time for homework

If your child gets homework every day, have him work on it at the same time every day [Though homework every day seems like a lot!!]. Make it earlier in the evening rather than later. As the time approaches, get them prepared for it.

If it is on the weekend. make it Saturday morning. You can tell them that if they get their homework done, they can have the rest of the weekend to do all the things they want to do.

Plan with the child on what they can do after homework

Motivation comes in many forms. Discuss with the child, what she will do after the homework. Once they know what they will be doing after homework, it will motivate them to finish their work.

Put the study area in a quiet corner

Setup the study desk or work area in a quiet corner where distraction like TVs, or people walking around are not distracting your child. Give him less reasons to look up from his work and observe other distractions.

Make the study area well lit

Ensure there is adequate light where they are working. Low light can cause them to get distracted and daydream.

Remove any distractions from the study area

Before your child starts her work, remove any distractions from the study area like toys, storybooks etc., Do not keep anything within arm's reach.

Before they start, ask them to tell you what they need to do

How many times have we parents gone to the child after some time has passed, only to find them sitting around saying "I don't understand this problem or this question"? Combat this early and ask them before they start, what they need to do. If they do not know, ask them to open up their bag, find the homework, read the instructions and tell you what they will have to do.

Check the equipment

Before they start, confirm with them that they have all the equipment they need - from pencils to any special instruments - and that they are all in working condition. Check in a few minutes after they have started work, to verify that things are still working.

Find a good excuse to keep walking by them

This helps in two ways. If they are stuck, they will ask you when they see you. If they are not focused, your visit will put them back on track.

Separate the siblings or not!

If you have multiple children and they all have homework, you can have them work near each other or separately. It depends on your children. Some work very well together while some distract each other to no end. You may walk in only to find out that they have been yapping away for the last 30 minutes about something that happened in school with not a care about their homework. Try it out and see what works for you.

Ensure the child is looking at you

When you want to say “NO”, do not say it from a distance or in a matter of fact manner. Call your child and ensure they are looking at you. If they do not come near you, approach them and look at them when you say NO.

Use a firm and different tone

When you deliver the message of NO, use a firm tone that says clearly you mean it. If you say it in the same voice you use for anything else your child may not give it the attention your response needs. You do not have to shout at the child or indicate you are angry. You have to use a tone that says you mean what you are saying and that you will not change your mind. Be firm.

Do not give in

Children will keep resisting doing anything other than what they want. They will whine. They will cry. They will yell. But through it all, make sure that you do not give up. Children understand us very well also. They will try to wear us down. If you say “I can’t take this any more” and say “OK, do whatever you want”, children will learn that you can be beaten down. If they see this happen often, they will just keep whining till you give up or till you snap and punish them.

Don’t be afraid to accept you were wrong to say NO

Sometimes, children may make an argument that sounds convincing. For example, if you ask them to do some work in the house, they may give you a list of all the things they did since the morning. If you feel their claim is fair, then change your mind. This will teach them that you are fair minded.

Do not get angry or spank them

It is important that you not get angry or spank children when they do not accept NO. Here are some tips on how to keep your patience when interacting with children. This is very important. While we want our children to accept NO, we do not want them to do it merely out of fear.

A healthy skepticism is always good

Remember, we want our children to be brave and to stand up and say No when they see something unacceptable. We want them to question authority also and not just accept everything that anyone says emphatically. So while you may feel now that your child should listen to everything you say, remember that some inclination to question authority will serve your child well in the future also.

Wait before you intervene

If you overhear the beginning of an argument, just listen a bit. See if the children can resolve it by themselves. Remember, a playdate is an easy way for children to learn negotiating and compromising skills. If the argument does not subside, then do step in before things become worse.

Ask the children to take turns

Often, an argument ensues over who has to play with a toy as both children want to play with the same toy during the playdate.  When they start to fight, step in and suggest that they take turns with the toy. They can choose who plays with it first or you can make it fun for them by tossing a coin. The same can work when the children cannot agree on a game to play together.

Give the toy a timeout

When the children cannot share a toy during the playdate, or refuse to take turns, do not punish either of them. Simply tell them that the toy is available to neither child as they cannot agree on who will play with it first. And put the toy out of reach.

Fairness and respect for the feelings of others

If one child starts shouting or getting physical with the other, step in and stop it. Then ask the child how they would feel it if happened to them - "How would you feel if your friend shouted at you?" or "Do you think it is fair to hit someone to grab a toy?". Would they wanted to be treated fairly and nicely also? Then prompt the child to take the next steps. First, ask them if they want to start with an apology. Then ask them - "What is the right thing for you to do?". Let them think about what they need to do.  You can help them with some hints or with leading questions. This will help them learn that they should treat others as they themselves want to be treated.

Play with the children for a while to calm them down

Sometimes to resolve a fight or to prevent a fight from breaking out, you may have to sit down with the children. You can either watch them or play with them. This will calm them down. With you there, they will focus on playing rather than fighting. Of course, do not sit with them all the time as it can also backfire. Every complaint may come to you instead of being resolved between themselves. Also, the idea of the playdate is to try and let the children learn to play by themselves instead of you supervising them.

Distract the children with a snack

Distracting the fighting children is one way to get them to forget their argument. A healthy snack like a fruit or lassi can be a good distraction. Get them refreshed and reenergized and send them back to play again.

• Praise the child. They love to hear accolades from you!!
• Reward the child with 30 minutes or an hour of time with the parent who is busier.  No interruptions!!  Let your child pick whatever they want to do - have you read them a story, paint with them or play a game with them
• Pick a restaurant to eat at
• Get extra time to watch a TV show or play an educational game
• Make your child his or her favourite snack or dish
• Take them to the local attraction that they have been pestering you for but which you have been avoiding because it is boring
• Go to the bookstore, give your child a budget and let them pick out a book they want
• Give your child a "Free clenaup" card. In the future, if there is a mess they feel too tired to cleanup, they can use this card and ask you to do it for them.
• Pick a movie for watching
• Setup that playdate with a friend, which they have been clamoring for

Also remember that you should reward the child for their efforts rather than just for results. And don't forget to tell them why they are getting a reward.

What other ideas do you have for rewards for young children? Please share them.

• Setting the dining table [Instead of just sitting on a chair and waiting for food, get them involved!]
  • Bring the dinner plates to the dining table
  • Bring glasses to the dining table
  • Fill a small jug with water and fill water in the glasses
  • Bring spoons, ladles and forks for eating and serving
• Clearing the dining table
  • Take the plates to the sink
  • Bring any remaining food that has not been used, back to the kitchen
  • Wash the water glasses (if they are steel or plastic, since you do not want any accidents to hurt your child)
• Water the plants in your garden - even if you have only a few small pots in the balcony
• Put away the previous day's paper in the recycling pile
• Kitchen chores
  • Fill up water in the ice trays
  • Make roti/chappati dough into small balls for rolling
  • Unpack food/vegetable purchases from shopping bags and even stack them on shelves
• Bring in any shopping and grocery bags from the car to the house
• Help older people in the house, like grandpa and grandma
  • Give them their reading glasses
  • Give them a glass of water
  • Older kids can even fill out forms or write addresses on letters
  • Bring them the paper
• Put away toys, books
• Clean their own bicycles
• School stuff
  • Put away their school bag in the right place
  • Pack their school bag - homework, pencil box, books, notebooks etc.,
• Bedroom chores
  • Set out their own clothes (whether they wear a uniform or not) before they go to bed at night
  • Remove pillowcases from the pillows, when you want to wash them or even put newly washed pillowcases back on pillows

What other chores have you given your children? Do share.

Kids clothes spilling out of all their shelves, tired of sorting through kids clothes, spending a fortune on their clothes and still not being able to have the right thing for them to wear? Of course we all love to see our little and not so little munchkins dressed up cutely and stylishly. Hell, many of us moms spend more time, money and effort on our kids’ clothes than even ours. Here we have some tips on selecting and organizing kids’ clothes so that the little ones can be comfortable and at their best, look cute n stylish and without driving you or your budget crazy. Read on…

Simplify and de-clutter

• Organize piles: For giving to the needy, for their memory box, for keeping for cousins or friends.

Focus on their needs and analyse their dressing pattern

Organization is the key

• It is your choice whether you keep their clothes in a chest of drawers or cupboards, as long as there are shelves. Make different shelves based on the usage and how often you use them. For example, differentiate items like school uniforms, undergarments/socks, daily wear, party or infrequent wear etc. Keep the ones you need to dig into in the most accessible shelf.
• If you have more than one kid and they help themselves to their own clothes, you could separate them out by different cupboards or different shelves as well. When they are little, you could even keep their clothes together and separate them by usage - based on the occasion like everyday clothes, party clothes etc. This way you only have to dig into one set of shelves or cupboard.
• Keep just the clothes that they wear for the season in the shelves. Put the non seasonal clothes and clothes that are too big for them that you might have stocked up separately in a spare pile.
• Every now and then, take stock of their wardrobe. Take out the stuff they that have outgrown or that is not in the season or those they will not wear. And add stuff they might need from the spare pile.
• You can keep the small items like socks, handkerchiefs, undergarments, accessories etc. in small plastic or wicker bins inside the shelves. This way they will not get mixed-up.

Some tip-top thrift tips for the frugalista mommy

• Get more mileage out of the clothes. Be creative.
  • Get quality long-lasting clothes for the older one and re-use for the younger one. Of course the young one will get new clothes but it helps. Even if you have different gender kids, you can reuse. For example, get a few gender neutral colour t-shirts, sweat pants and night suits for the older girl so that you can reuse for the younger boy and so on.
  • You can reuse some clothes even when they get smaller. For example for girls: dresses and kurtas can be paired with leggings for the tunic/kurti and leggings look that is so in these days. When leggings and pants get small if they fit by the waist, then they can be used as ¾ leggings and capris respectively. For boys as well, sometimes pants that are too small can be used as capris.

Know where and how to shop

The looks

• It is important that they are comfortable. There is no point make them wear something cute when they get cranky wearing it. Empower your child with their clothes and let their personality come through.
• Make them select their clothes as well. This way they will be happy wearing what they select, this will add to their confidence and self-esteem and they will also develop their fashion sense. Let the tomboy wear jeans and T-shirt and let the princess explore and indulge within the reasonable limits. The more we dictate, the more they rebel. It is always a fine balance.

Things to keep in mind while buying clothes

• Make sure you read the care instructions and match with your lifestyle as well. Try and get clothes that can be washed easy and will not run colour or need to be dry cleaned. The fact that you can just toss and wash the jumble of clothes together without thinking too much will make your life much easier.
• Try and stick to natural materials mostly. These fabrics can breathe easily and better for their skins and keeps them more comfortable.
• Instead of just picking up something randomly because it is cute, think of the occasion when your child will wear and visualize your child wearing and buy accordingly.
• Quality vs. quantity is better. It is better to spend a little more money on something just right that you feel your child will do justice to rather than many random items.

Have fun and explore that funky side in dressing them up as well

• It is not all that about being practical and the BIG perfect organized mommy all the time as well. As long as you have thought a little and done the sensible ground-work, indulge from time to time and have fun shopping and dressing them up.

We have some fun ideas.

There are many themes - ethnic, bollywood, western etc., You can also mix and match from the various themes. BTW, you can do this party thingie as a supplement to your traditions like the Seemantham as well.. Also, the ideas you borrow will depend on whether you are doing a surprise baby shower, ladies only or a couples’ baby shower.

Bollywood theme ideas for Indian baby showers

• You can have either a general bollywood theme or make it more specific. For example:

• The 60’s
  • Dress: Big hair, tight saris/salwar kameez, bell bottoms, lots of eyeliner. A la Mumtaz or Sharmila Tagore.
  • Songs: Shammi Kapoor films etc.
• Om Shanti Om retro—same as the 60’s with a Shah Rukh Khan or Deepika Padukone touch.
  • Songs: Om Shanti Om, Deewangi Deewangi...
• Bollywood vamp or villain. Fun for the couples. Imagine the gals dressed as Helen or even today’s Rakhi Sawant and the guys spouting Ajit dialogues.
  • Songs: All item numbers or previous cabaret songs. From mera naam chin chin choo to the latest sizzling number.
• A particular movie, example Sholay. So folks will come dressed up in the Sholay characters.
• What else? You say...tons of ideas to fish rom the vast and deep bollywood pool. Just be creative.
• Music. Make sure there is tons of music matching your theme. Download a custom playlist. Intersperse with some cute lullabies from films for that cute baby shower flavour.
• Film posters (you can download from the net as well) on the walls.
• Party games:
  • Antakshari
  • Guessing dialogues and characters from films. Make sure you have tons of Ma dialogues. “mere paas to maan hein” from Deewar. Even maestro Rehman could not resist during his Oscar acceptance speech.
  • Dancing to songs contest.
  • Speaking filmi dialogues contest. You could have the gals act out like the stereotypical bollywood mom and the guys act like bollywood fathers.
• Watching video or video clips of some bollywood fillums at some point during the shower. Make use of that home entertainment system after the party, curl up on the couch with a few friends and watch something. 

You get the idea. You do not need much but some ideas and attitude. Be creative, delegate to friends. Save all that prep effort for having fun at your own party!

Throw away the original packaging

Trying to keep each toy, toy set or game, stored individually in its original packaging is a losing battle. In most cases, throw away the original packaging unless there is a special reason you need it.

Organize large toys into classes of toys

Large toys like train sets should be organized into classes of toys, rather than trying to keep each set together. For example, if there are 2 different train sets with your children, don't worry about keeping them separated and organized individually. Bunch them all up into the "train" class. Similarly, all dolls irrespective of whether they are Barbie or  Bratz go into the "dolls" class.  All sports gear can go into the "sports" class. If you try to keep each set individually, the organization becomes too strict and the children will not follow it and the toys will be disorganized very quickly.

Get wide, shallow baskets for each class of large toys

Get plastic tubs or sturdy cane baskets for each class of toys. If you get wide, shallow containers, children (and you) can easily spot what is in the basket. If the containers are shallow, children do not have dig deep inside to find that special toy they need. This digging is often what results in toys flying all over the place as children search for that one toy that has caught their fancy. Sometimes, parents buy plastic containers with lids. This is upto individual choice but open containers are easier to put stuff back into, than closed ones.  Kids will also find it easier to put away toys if they can find the right basket to put them in easily.

Organize game boards, separately from game pieces and game cards etc.,

Do not try to organize each game individually. Each component of the game - game board, game pieces, game cards etc., is awkwardly shaped and short of gluing them to each other, you cannot keep them together. Instead, put all the game boards next to each other on a bookshelf. Stack them like books.

Take the game pieces from all the games (especially the common ones like dice, coins etc.,) and put them all together. Who cares if the dice from one game is used in another or vice versa.

Plastic tiffin boxes and plastic bottles are essential for storage of small toys

Use clear plastic boxes (tiffin boxes or Glad boxes will do well) and recycled plastic bottles  (like you get for drinks like Bournvita) are great for storage. It is important that these boxes and bottles be transparent, so children can see at a glance what is inside.  Keep them small.

Use these for organizing and storing toys like the ones below

• Game pieces like dice
• For special games like chess, put all the pieces in one individual bottle
• Put all the paint brushes and paint containers in one large bottle or box
• Put all the crayons and colour pencils and sketch pens in one box or bottle
• Put all the game cards for each game in a box (like Monopoly money or Pictionary cards) in individual plastic boxes. One for each game.

Stack, store and organize these boxes and bottles on a shelf or closet. Because the storage is transparent, the children may move around the bottles and boxes to find what they need, but the individual items in each bottle will mostly remain inside it. And children find it easier to stack these bottles and boxes also.

Ziplocs are a nice tool for organizing toys and games

Get large Ziploc bags to put away those hard to organize toys like puzzles. Put each puzzle in an individual ziploc and store them all in a shoebox or in a large plastic bag.

Provide a corner of the room to keep super-large toys

Super large toys like a tricycle or dollhouse should be assigned to a corner of the room. Make sure they are kept there during cleanup time.

Let the children decide which toy goes where

Give your children the baskets, containers, boxes, bottles and ziplocs and let them decide how to organize the toy room. They will automatically remember how they organized things and it will make it easier for them to cleanup in the future.

Give away unused toys

If your children have outgrown a toy or are not playing with it, give it away without hesitation to other younger children in the family or to domestic help or to the driver's kids or to a local NGO.

By using different kinds of storage it makes it easy to identify what is inside each container, and toy room organization becomes a little easier. Do come back and tell us what are some toy room organization techniques that have worked for you.

Also see

Making kids clean up and put away their books, toys and other things