hi I am a working mother and I have two daughters . what ever I do and how best I do they don't listen to me ever . elder one never say yes to what ever I say . she is 13 and other one is 9 year old .she never agree to anything i say or I do. I really don't know how to handle i have spoken to her , i don't believe in hiiting but no way .

Hi Khushi,

Your daughters must be very bright energetic kids...It is usually a norm that gifted kids are more difficult to handle.

To my mind there are two parts to communicating with children...the content and the manner..

Please first try and understand why they are not listening, is it because of what you say or how you say it.

My experience has been that if you approach any subject with the kids with respect for their opinion, then they too respond in a similar manner..

Are the other people at home also ignoring what you say...because then you first need to address it with them..for eg..children will not listen to the parent whom the other parent does not respect!

I remember once taking my brother aside and saying to him, 'you are my elder brother and you have the right to scold me, but please do not do so in front of my kids because it undermines my authority..' When he ignored it too often, i had no choice but to take a stand with him that i otherwise would not have...there were some problems with my brother and me for a little while, but we sorted them out.

Another thing you have to do is cultivate your own inner strength....shouting at kids is a sign of not being in control...kids can figure out very quickly when you mean business....calm yourself, have complete clarity on the subject and only then tell them what ever you need to...in a firm and polite manner, where there is nothing wishy washy and ambigous about what you say and how you say it.

Also Khushi, chose your battles...initially get them to agree on the very important things by presenting a logical case for it....

if you detail some situation we may be able to chalk out a plan of action on how to approach it with your daughters...

Chin up lady...remember if the kids don't get their way with their own parents, how are they going to get the world to do what they want from it  :)

13 is the starting point of teenage so mainly girls think that they have to behave differently. Also they feel that they are grown ups. So if you try to force your ideas on them, they will ignore your thoughts. You will be tired, but dont show that tiredness every day to them. Once in a while if you express your inability they will certainly understand.

What I learnt from my daughter (she is also 13) is first ask her to think about the fuss she made in a cool way and write down the +ves and -ves in that. Then from that list I pick up the ones for which I am not happy at all. Most of the times, she understands her mistake and will not repeat it. Some times she may not. Then I search for the reason why she is not able to understand it and will explain her. If I shout at her unncecerily, I will say sorry to her and explain her why I behaved like that.

She is amazing. Truly speaking, kids are god's gift to parents. So try to understand their point. They are innocent and they seek your attention a lot. If they miss that attention, they dont know how to express that. To show their need they start ignoring parents (That is what they are getting from their parents). We feel that we are attending their needs immediately. But somethings which are very boring (for elders), may be very important for them. If we ignore those, kids will think that we are not giving them importance.

I agree with Annu ... content and manner .... sometimes that means you have to be creative.  Loved reading what you thought Annu.

u r in a difficult situation!!!!

i believe that parents shout unwillingly, just as children disobey unwillingly. children dont want to disobey but have little choices, just as parents dont want to shout but have little choices. also, it may be difficult to keep a rational and cool mind when children are showing their stubborn self. i believe that suddenly controlling your anger, changing your behavior will confuse yr kids even more if u do so without letting them talk first. yr diffused anger may give them a message that u have lost the battle and this may make them all the more anxious..and angry at u for not being in charge..children want us to be in charge and take control, as they themselves cant do it properly. talk it out with yr daughters first..dont expect a good talk when there is a crisis to handle. after the storm is over, a talk remains a talk. during the storm it has good chances of changing into a battle  yet again.

my understanding of this situation comes from a book "how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk" by faber mazlish..it is a must-have for every parent at every stage..u will have to read the book to appreciate my gratitude towards it.

            Yes the book  is definately a great investment, and kids do want the parent to be in charge ... the trick is just finding a balance between authority and flexibility.  My golden rule is boundries regarding chores, diet, playtime and t.v. etc can be bent, but respect, truth and fairness are to be maintained at all costs.  That means no back talk to parents and no being rude.  Whatever problem we face we both have to deal with it respectfully.   If I can keep my temper even if my daughter is having a tantrum I'm teaching her the way in which to respond.  It's easier than it sounds. :)

Hi Annu,

I am new member of parentree.  I found your reply very interesting and thought provoking one.  it was a kind of  motivation for me to be a better mother... as i am struggling to keep myself calm with my two boys - aged 3.5 yrs and 2 yrs.  I loose my temper fast when they do not listen.  Talking about developing "inner strength"  please share how can we do that,  would be really useful for a mother like me.

 Thanx

Hi Sree,

First of all -.what you are seeking is not to be a better mother..........you already are the best mother for your kids... Two young boisterous kids can play havoc with any person's temprament, most of all the mother...because the buck stops at her. Everyone else will indulge and play with them for as long as they are behaving themselves, the moment they do something out of character, we can be sure the Mom shall be summoned....

When i say cultivate your inner strength, i mean do those things that make you feel empowered and increase your ability to cope with stress...there can't be a single method that works for all...because each person will have different challenges...

In your case i believe what you need is to expand your love and peace. This helps in two ways...it makes you more patient and calms the environment around you.

If you are aware of the Shanti paath, try and chant that as often as you can....make peace and Shanti your best friend.....call upon them as often as you can....

There is a meditation technique given by OSHO for busy people, which is what any mother of two would be..i shall paste it below, see if it helps...

Flexing Your Love Muscles

“Become more and more aware of love. Your heart is fast asleep — it has to be awakened. And once it is awake, you will be tremendously happy. Happiness is a function of love; nothing else makes anybody happy except love.

“Almost everybody’s heart is fast asleep. We have never been taught the ways of love. We have been taught the ways of hate, because we have been conditioned to struggle, fight. You have been taught that the whole world is your enemy and everybody is after your throat. Sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, but this is the whole conditioning — that you are in a very antagonistic world, and you have to fight if you want to survive, and to fight by any means — honest or dishonest. If you don’t fight you will be defeated; if you want to defend yourself, attack. This has been the whole conditioning of the mind. Hence, naturally, love has dropped out of existence.

“The heart goes on throbbing like a physical mechanism, but it is no longer a spiritual vehicle — which is what it is meant to be. It is not only a physical mechanism; it is also a spiritual vehicle. So when you start throbbing in love, only then are you really alive, fully alive.

“So become more aware of it. The more aware you become, the more and more loving you will feel.

Method
“When you hold the hand of your friend, do it very alertly. See whether your hand is releasing warmth or not. Otherwise you can hold the hand and there is no communication, no transfer of energy. In fact you can hold the hand and the hand can be completely cold and frozen. There is no vibration, no pulsation; energy is not streaming into the friend. Then it is futile. It is an empty gesture, an impotent gesture.

“So when you are holding the hand, watch deep inside whether energy is flowing or not, and help to direct the energy. Bring the energy there; move the energy there. In the beginning it will be just an exercise in imagination, but energy follows imagination.

“Imagination creates the root...it channels energy. So when you hold the hand, hold it consciously and imagine that the energy is moving there and that the hand is becoming warmer and welcoming. You will see a tremendous change happening.

“When you look at somebody, look with eyes of love, because otherwise the physical eyes are just stones. They are very cold; they have no welcome in them.

“When you look at people, pour love through the eyes. When you walk, walk throwing love all around.

“In the beginning it will just be imagination and within a month you will see it has become a reality. And others will start feeling that you have now a warmer personality...that just to come close to you feels tremendously good, a well-being arises.

“So this is to be your conscious effort — become more aware of love, and release more love.”

In any case remember the awareness about an issue is the begining of its resolution.....

Om Shanti :)

Hi Aanchal,

May I know where to buy this book by faber mazlish? Will I get it in Odyssey?

It will really help.

Thanks,

Nivi

hi nivi,

this book is available at landmark..i havent checked at other bookstores..if u dont find a copy for yrself, i will lend it to u.

Hi Khushi,

I read your question and dilemma. I think when kids are rushed around from one activity to another or with a working mom they had to do a lot more things by themselves. Beacuse of lack of more "mom time" for kids as they expect more one on one time with parents triggers less co-operation, their way of expressing that they aren't getting enough attention.

This is what I do.

1. Find out what  triggers that lack of listening.

2. Think how to diffuse that situation. Like recently my son's friend's father told me that they battle in the weekday  morning about what not to wear to school <public school in California>.

3. Have a "meeting" with your child. Invite with loving words like "I have something important to discuss with you, when is a good time so we can sit and chat".  Offer some juice or their favorite snack.

4. Start with positive compliments about "DD or DS". Let her/him know what is bothering you about a particular situation <in your case kids not listening to you>. Give some suggestions that if they listen and agree right away they will get some points and they can trade those points once they collect 100  of those,  for some treat or outing. I used this type of reward system <used to give my son 1 fancy bead > for my son to finish his board work which is first thing they need to do in the classroom. Guess what, he completes his board work every single weekday.

5. I suggested our friend to decide clothes on Saturday for next week and have hangers labelled day of the week and thats a sealed deal. Neither kid nor father can change it after 6:00 PM on Sunday. He was happy about the suggestion and the idea is working very well.

DO NOT RESORT TO HITTING! Trust me it doesn't work, It will make matters worse, instead take the TV time off or one week no access to toy room. . Think positive and teach positive reinforcement. When you feel like spanking your child, give yourself a time out for 15 - 20 minutes until you calm down.

All the best. Keep us posted and take care dear.

Jo

very practical..

Hi Kushi,

These are few of the words you need to watch for while talking to your DDs:

Don't use these expressions                                                       Instead use these statements/sentence
--------------------------- -----------                                                       -------------------------------------
1. You are not a child anymore                                                         You are a grownup young lady <man>

2. You are not supposed to do that?                                                You know better!

3. I told you before.                                                                              We have an agreement.

4. Don't say "No" right away                                                                Let me think or can we talk about it later?

5. Why didn't you do that <task>?                                                      When can I expect you to finsh that <task>?

6. Don't scream or talk loud to me.                                                   I expect you to respect me and yourself, so please lower your voice.

7. Don't cry                                                                                             Take a deep breath and calm down so I can understand you.

8. When child blames you that you as a parent didn't do             I am sorry you feel that way, looks like something is bothering you and we need to talk, When  something. <Don't say "you are lying" etc. >                                   is a good time?   
 
Remember no matter what they do, you have upper hand on matters. So relax and have it your way also reasonable  partnership with kids!

Cheers,

Jo

Hi,

I found "How to talk so your kids listen...." very practical.

This one - "What do you really want for your children" by Dr.Wayne Dyer is great too. In fact, it covers a whole range of issues - not just talking and listening. It talks about how to build your child's self-esteem, self-confidence etc.  It is my bible now!

Cheers!

Aparna

hi

i am a new member to parentree n i am having the same problem my 6yrs old son is also misbehaving and never listen to what we are telling   i read all of urs suggestions n will try to  implement on them but still i feel it is very hard to control such kids as i too loose my patience immediately