Guilt about leaving the child and going for work - Page 1

Double income is essential....so more and more women have to leave their children behind for work... I think every mother feels guilty ...any views on that!!!!

u r right..every mother feels guilty. in fact, every working mother faces the battle between 2 dominant emotions of guilt and frustration..if she gives up her career to look after kids and house, she feels frustrated..if she pursues her career and fixes up a support system to look after kids, she feels guilty. it can be an unbearable tug of war in some cases.

no mother thinks ill of her children..but outsiders can easily make her feel terrible about not looking after her kids properly, if she is working..the same bunch of people can make her feel more terrible about wasting her education, if she is not working.

so i feel its best to ignore people on this issue..its a very delicate issue and different people have different opinions..in fact, what they follow and what they preach do not match most of the times.

i believe, whatever u choose, (full time job or simply-a-home-maker or part time job or work from home), be emotionally and logically sure about yr decision. do not let ambivalence ruin yr day. its never career vs kids..there is always a mid-path..of course, mid-paths are not highly paying, but then, one cant afford to feel guilty 24*7 either.

i write for complete-wellbeing. u can read this article http://completewellbeing.com/article/a-psychotherapist-moms-diary/

take care

absolutely i agree with aanchal.  When u sit at u feel uselss of yourself . We too put lot of efforts & hardwork to study well & make up a career . So, by working n earning you are getting satisfied of having a feeling my whole life efforts r not in vein . So, go ahead . Guilt is always there with us as a shadow .. Just ignore it..

Enjoy......................

Ratnam

Rightly said aanchal!! This feeling is I think by default with working women…

ya we all have that guilt..but the next question is "what happens to this guilt?" or rather, "what happens to us coz of this guilt?"

i feel that this guilt affects our other feelings and behavior. it propels us towards compensation. we try to add more "quality' to the time spent with our kids as we feel sad about the missing "quantity". in turn, we 'give' more than we should. children sense our guilt and learn that they can manipulate us into doing those things that a non-guilty-mother wouldnt do. children also learn that since the mother feels guilty, going for job is a bad thing(we dont want them to learn that!!). also, this guilt takes away the spontaneity  and ease from the relationship.

this guilt affects our relationship with other family members too. mother in law makes one comment like 'your baby cried a lot today' and we feel terrible. we feel guilty about not being there for the child. we feel guilty about burdening the MIL...as a compensation, we then want to be with the child as well as quickly cook dinner to ease the MIL. result? more stress, more frustration..then we see our husbands NOT feeling guilty, even though they too go for work the same way as us. we feel angry at them for not feeling this negative emotion (and live in a bliss!!), and we feel angry at them for telling us "you shouldnt feel like this" (urghhhhh)

so what do we do? i feel that the best way out is to not run away from the negative emotions that come from staying away from our kids. we must scknowledge their presence and learn to tolerate them without letting them change our behavior drastically. also, remember that sooner or later, we feel angry at those who are the source of any feeling of guilt. be careful not to let this anger out on kids.

easier said, than done, is'tn't?

I think the key is to be a happy person - no matter what you are doing. If you are happy with your choices and own complete responsibility for these choices (i.e, you have chosen it because you want to and not because you are forced to), you exude happiness and it does a lot of good to every relationship around you - you will be a happy mother, happy wife and will reflect on how you handle issues in these relastionships.

I agree with Aanchal - some people will talk. We have to ignore it - easier said than done, but that's what we have to train ourselves to do. I did take a break after my baby and got back to work after 2 years. I feel good about my decisions. It is true that we always crave for more time with our kids, but that's something that we'll have to tackle as we go along.

Uma

Priorities dear! Priorities! In-laws, friends, relatives et al will have opinions. If you think, your working is inevitable, if that income makes your life better, you gotta do what you gotta do!

These days we have very good day care centres and week long schools. They arebetter off at Day care centres and these week long schools! I have seen 4 Month Olds at day care! Week long schools are a boon for working parents! Just drop that word GUILT ! It wont help you in anyway! But you working, can! Dont get caught in the trap of guilt and innuendos from in-laws and relatives.

Spend quality time with your kid once back from work! Again thats' a husband-wife team work! Plan fun weekends and holidays. It's all about planning and Quality time spent with your kid! Even if you are a stay at home Mom, You wont end up spending all the time with your kid!

I do agree with what Aanchal says! I have never come across a husband feeling guilty  about this whole situation we are talking about! Take a cue from there! Employ a good domestic help. That way you can stay away from the domestic chores which may rob your stay home time. Take help from the House Keeping agencies for once in a while thorough cleaning. Share responsibilities and work with your spouse.

I dont think you need to feel guilty about leaving your kids with In-laws! Make the best of your support system. And do make sure you make them feel valuable and appreciated for all the support and help, by gifting them short trips and outings!! Strategise!

Make the best of the time we live in! and please stop feeling guilty! Work, bring that cash in, strategise your family life at home! Cheeers!!

hey guys, this forum is godsent for mums like us. where no one else can even remotely understand what we go thru or feel like, i guess all of us here fall in the same set , reading these comments, just made me feel a whole lot better, just had a bad start off today , as my 3yr old, hugged me tight in the morn, wudnt lemme go to work, and saying he misses me n needs me....

Didnt know what to do, but atlelast i leave him with my mom and not MIL, so its a bit better, who better then ur mom to understand u.  n have got a really good fulltime 18yr old maid, who really takes care of my kid, n his meals and even his meds..so she's not too young to not be able to take care of him and young enough to play with him.... so that's a bit of a relief ...n when i'm home from work, i dont need to rush into the kitchen (except for the days when my MIL is with me  ) , but have some quality time with my son.

Even i'd put my 8yr career on a backseat after my kid, and have resumed work after 3 yrs, first i used to feel frustrated abt not having to be able to go to work, now am frustrated that i have to leave him n go to work. i love my work too and really enjoy being here....  but sometimes feel so guilty abt enjoying myself somuch at work n letting my son be without me , missing me........ :(

Guess the only way out is as UMA says, "Make the best of the time we live in! and please stop feeling guilty! " ........

Good to there r ppl who r feeling the same as me !!

Cheers!! keep up the pep talk! 

I agree with Aanchal's mid path idea. I am a working mom too and am familiar with the guilt feeling. But my kid is being taken care by MOM and ofcourse, I cannot leave her with a better person than my MOM.

But, I strongly believe that kids needs their parents and atleast one of them need to be there constantly for them to have strong basics and foundation in life. Kids learn from us, parents.

And more importantly for me, nowdays, more than the guilt, i feel that I want to spend more time with the kid personally and don't want to go to work. Its me , my personal feeling rather than a worry that my kid will miss me or that she wont be taken care properly. Its just that I want to spend more time with her and enjoy her right now when she's young. 

Hence the mid path idea is appealing and I have been already thinking along those lines for some time now. Ultimately, we have to do what we want to do and enjoy at the same time, after all there's only one life.

Cheers!

excellent discussion....! i perfectly agree with the statement that husbands dont feel guilty and are able to spend their work time peacefully concentrating..whereas we brood over leaving the child back home and coming to work..

I think its just that women working is not considered mandatory and the society has seen and accepted the fact that  "A man is considered as a man, only if he works" and a women is supposed to take care of household and other things ...so i think without our knowledge this has gone deep inside us ..rooted in us, that we think we working is just something additional and its not mandatory..so we are not able to focus fully or enjoy it fully.. ...leaving the kdis back home and not taking care of them or being with them..we feel guilty and everyday seems to be a nite mare..to leave the kid and go back to work..! Though we work, we feel we are not doing something IMPORTANT...

If we overcome this feeling and think that working is important for us and for the family well being..we can easily adjust things...

Moreover as of now the kids would need us full time...but as they grow up they will have their own independent things ...friends...schedule to attend to..and we will end up waiting for them to atleast speak to us for sometime...we get frustrated that time and think that we have wasted our entire career and life and now they dont have much time to even talk to us...so its always good to keep ourselves busy somehow and not to feel guilty...

Ofcourse, time will definitely heal everything..and its a matter of acceptance and the way we look  @ things..

Thanks Mits234 for raising this topic!! It feels nice that you r nt only one to have this feeling and also helps to see different thoughts and ideas from other moms about it.

Thanks all for sharing your views..:)

Any father have this feeling ??

r u joking? husbands feel guilty only when they go out to have fun with their wives, instead of their mothers...

in 9 out of 10 cases, if u and yr husband decide to spend some quality time together and leave the kid with yr MIL at home, yr husband will feel guilty not for the kid but for the mother..their domain of guilt is entirely different !

I wanted to see if anyone is there...by mistake..:).

But unfortunately no one..:(  I asked this question to my husband also but did not get any satisfactory answer..:(

ok I will also check with my hubby n let u know pritam.

Ratnam

Hi frnds...

I am confused these days....i leave my kid at aa day care...she is 3.5 years old...the daycare has a preschool attached to it...but now from June she will go to LKG in a different school...so should i get a maid at home now to look after her or let her go to the same day care after her school...wud it be too tiring for her if she goes to a daycare instead of home after the school hours.Pls advise

Hi Divya,

I would opt for the school van dropping her off at day care. She can take rest at the day care. You can then pick her up after work from day care.  

Even personal references of maids are not completely fool proof. When I was a kid, one of the maid who used to stay at our home and was personally referred by one of the relatives attempted suicide in our house. I have also heard of maids stealing etc. So from personal experiences I am not comfortable with maids though few of my friends have opted for maids and they do not have bad experiences(2 of my friends are in Pune and their maids are maharashtrian and 1 friend is in bangalore whose maid is a keralite she took from her hometown. I'm telling this, in case you consider the origin of the maids may make a difference)

many kids go to day-care after school hours..and many dont..it all depends on how a particular kid handles separation from home and mother, and also on how much tired he/she gets after school. there is a big leap from playschool to LKG. the pressure is much more at LKG and hence a child a bound to get more tired even with the same school hours. if u feel yr child can pull it off easily (apart from the first few days crying episodes) and it doesnt send u on a big guilt trip, then go for it. check with the day-care about the new routine of the child and get details about food and rest. if the child gets to eat and sleep well at the day care after school, then it shouldnt be a problem..i believe they give home-work at LKG (reading and writing both). so will the day-care people get the home-work done or not is also a deciding factor, as i suppose you might find it difficult to sit down with the child for homework in the evenings after day-long separation and tiredness.

what kind of maid u get for home-stay to look after yr child will be the most important deciding factor about the other option..a good, reliable, trustworthy, able maid is rarer than the rarest gems!! also, after all the horror stories about selling kids to beggars, sedating kids with opium to avoid hassles at home, running away with the kid, i personally do not have the courage to leave my child with a maid alone at home. in that sense, day-care is a lesser evil of the two.

whats your husband's take on this?

Hi,

Today i was feeling very guilty about leaving my 17months old baby in a daycare for the whole day as i am also woking. My husband is also out of town since 2.5months. I am handling everything alone. I only have my maid to do some household stuff.

Fortunatly  I saw this discussion and found that i am not the only one facing this. Thanks a lot to everyone for giving so much mental support. I am feeling better than before but still not completly out of guilt.

Thanks once again 

this discussion did help me....i am a new member aand the first topic i searched was this...and waoooo....great comments... i feel so goood and NOT GUILTY for keeping my 13 months daughter at home with a maid....fortunately my maid is good and takes goood care of my li'll one....i do drop in on surprise visits every now and then for confirmations.... currently i am in a dilema whether to send my daughter to a day care where she can play more or get a new maid as this one wants to quit...

any suggestions....

also is 1.5 years a correct age to send your kid to a play school??

Hi Karvy,

It is better to send children above 2 yrs to  a playschool. But if you have a good playschool where there is a good day care facility and children are not stressed much with rhymes, colouring and other activites, u can surely opt for it. It is better than a maid unless she is very very reliable. In daycare cum playschool ,your kid  will interact and play with other children and have fun too. The day care is answerable to other parents too so they will be more responsible.

Rgds,

Mickey

hey thanks mickey....will keep all u said in mind prior to sending my daughter to a play school.....as of now my maid is quite reliable...can u suggest any gud play school with day care facility in pune...area wise preference is anywhere from karve rd to baner,bavdhaan....

thanks all the same...cheers

vandana

(karvy is my daughter's name...i logged in her name with out realizing it)

Hi Vandana,

I will have to ask my friend in Pune :).  I stay at Hyd and not the right person to suggest a play school in Pune. If my friend knows a few good day care centres aound karve rd, i will surely let u know.

Rgds,

Mickey

Hi Vandana,

I am keeping my baby in Pumpkin Patch. It’s good and hygienic.

You can inquire more about it.

thanks dear...

do let me know where is pumpkin patch...will chk d net as well..and surely visit the place...

thanks all d same...

Hi Karvy,

It is in Wakad and Hinjewadi. I think they hv opened at one more place.

karvy,

Sapling in Baner is one of the best in playschools. My friend whose daughter used to go there still wants to go there and even during weekends she used to ask to be taken there. But I heard the admission there is very difficult and there is a long list.

Sapling has daycare too.

Also I heard that New India school at Kothrud-Paud road has a day care with playschool also. The current principal  "Mrs Chandavarkar" is a very famous educationist who was earlier a principal in Abhinav vidyalaya. Check it out too.

pls suggest day care in gurgaon

hi prewal.....in which sec ur putting up in ggn.im also in ggn.n how old is ur child....ayesha.

Coming back to the topic this thread was started for - I think as long as the kid is happy with the arrangements - day care / maid , and safe  , half of our guilt feeling gets assauged .

Its when we think the kid is not being taken care of  properly  and their development is getting affected due to our absence fior the whole day that we should feel guilty and think of options .

But then again we need to stick to a job that is not too taxing , if you end up working for 10-12 hours and are then cranky and cannot spend Quality time with the kid - then well maybe you should feel guilty :)

After some days / weeks kids get used to their routine  , but as mothers I think we never really get used to it .

The otehr day I took an Off and went to pick my son from the school bus instead of he going to the day care . He was so excited to see me waiting for him , another mom commented to me that he is so happy today to see you , but everyday he cries !

I was so guilt stricken then but then when I spoke to my son , I realised one reason why he cried is because he sleeps off in the bus so when he is woken from his sleep he gets cranky .

Well we can talk endlessly on this topic - but there is no solution or nothing right or wrong . We just need to ensure the kid is a happy child !