To quit or not? - Page 1

 I am a working mother of a 1.8 year old kid. I joined back work when my child was 4 months old, and my in laws who stay with me take care of her. I have been feeling very guiltly about not spending enough time with my kid from the time she was born.

Recently my office shifted to a faraway location.  Thinking of the extra commute time and inflexibility to travel, I decided to use this excuse to quit my job and pay attention to my kid.

Back at work, my boss is trying all possible tactics to make me stay and has even agreed to let me work from home. 

So now I am really having second thoughts. One way, i feel i should spend time with my kid. But then, I am also feeling bad about leaving a high paying job. Also, I have been working for the past 10 years now, dont know if I will ever get adjusted to domestic life. To add to this, my in laws stay with me, & MIL is a bit dominating, so if I am at home, I need to do everything according to her wishes.

But, my child is very attached to my MIL & even prefers her over me at times which makes me feel very bad. So I feel that if I quit and spend time with her, she will get attached to me.

Does anyone have any thoughts or gone through similar phases and would like to share their feeling?

 Hi

My suggestion would be not to quit the job as u are used to working atmosphere and it is definitely impossible to get adjusted to home atmosphere with a dominating MIL it is always safe for you to work and maintain good family relationship in the house.

For you to decide better firstly you can opt for working from home option be at home and feel for yourself if you are comfortable staying at home or not and then decide abt leaving the job.  w.r.t to your kid she is only 1.8 years old so do not worry give her more time whenever you are available buy her whatever she wants, hug her, kiss her and she is always yours.

 Thanks for the reply Penga, I do agree with what you are saying.

I am in fact presently working from home to try it out. But its not working out very well, i cannot do justice to my work. The thing is since I am at home, my in laws dont pay that much attention to my child as they normally do . So everytime she is hungry, or her nappy needs to be changed, I need to get up from work. Or in the afternoon, my MIL needs to take a nap, so kid is with me, so I cannot work properly.

So work from home is not an option in the long run.

Or else, I was thinking of quitting now, taking a break and then looking for a job after some time when my kid goes to school next year.

Thoughts?

rt, I was exactly in your situation. I was working for 9 years and quit my job for the same reasons you have described.. I quit my job when my son was 2 but wished I quit it earlier. I am on a break for last 2 years.. My son is 4 now and is in LKG. Am thinking of joining back work after finding a suitable daycare for my son and getting him settled into it. Never again i want to give full time responsibility of taking care of my son to my MIL.

 NJ, glad to hear tht I am not alone in my decision to quit. Did you son get attached to you after you quit?

rt, Yes, it was difficult in the beginning coz my mil always used to come in front of him on purpose and he used to cry on seeing her. So I took him away to my moms place and stayed there for couple of weeks. Then he started getting attached to me.

hi.. i am in the same dilemma. My daughter is 2.5 months currently and am currently on maternity leave. I have worked for over 10 years and am considering quitting a very well paying job as I am not comfortable leaving her with my parents or in laws.

We have just moved into a nuclear household last year and I dont want to get back to living with my in laws again.

I dont know how I will manage sitting at home with her but I need to be mentally strong as I know there is no other option. There are times even now in my maternity leave I feel overwhelmed by just looking after her.

I am looking for WFH options but there does not seem to be any exciting opportunities besides data entry and recruitment....

I hope I am strong enough and am making the right decision about quitting (and not being selfish) and I would adjust being a homemaker for some time...

have you tried www.odesk.com. There are some good WFH options, if you can manage to find a balance. You mostly will be needing skype and webcam for work at home. In any case, you can always get back to work after a few years or after you are confident your kid can adjust in a daycare. If you are feeling overwhelmed looking after her, hire a fulltime maid for about 6 months to help you out. After 2 years, IMO, you will start missing the work atmosphere. Till then you will be too busy looking after and bonding with the kid to think of anything else.

thanks NJ, will check it out.. any lead to WFH is good for me.. have you ever done any contracting work from odesk??

yes i am thinking of hiring a part time help for 8 - 10 hours to help me out once I leave from my moms place... am not comfortable having a full time help..

 All,

Read this link, found it in an old post on parenttree:

http://completewellbeing.com/article/for-the-love-of-my-child/

I relate to this completely.

 All,

Though I have taken the decision to quit, I am having a sudden panic attack. I feel I will be totally loosing my identity, everyone will take me for granted, and am really worried abt whether I will be able to stay at home without feeling bored. Also, will I get a job whenever I am ready to work again?

:(

 Hey r12345678 I go thru the same panic attacks everyday which I feel is normal for people with our work experience and good paying job. I resume work end of this month and I don't know how I will be able to quit. 

I m in process of making a list of all the things I wanted to do but couldn't do cos of my work pressures. I also think that if I choose to go back then it will mean getting back to living with my in laws and raising her not completely as per my beliefs. 

Yes, it's not convincing enough but a decision needs to be made.. It would break my heart if my daughter prefers her dadi over mommy.  

 Testing...

 Hey dipti, Tx for ur response. The main reason i want to quit is my baby's attachment to MIL, I just cannot bear it.  Right now, Im just keeeping that in mind and forgetting all my other worries.

 I feel if you have got a chance to stay in a nuclear family, dont ever go bck to living with in laws. As you said, MIL may do what she thinks is the best for the kid, but may not be what we want . That has been my experience. 

Just the thought of going to "housewife" status is scary after working for 10 years! But hopefully I will be able to live with it!!

 Yes r123, pls take time to decide. I have worked for only two years but had to quit as my daughter was with my in laws and all the back biting started. Seriously, I found it very difficult to get adjusted to the total domestic life... Though I was happy when I was with my daughter but at times when they are sleeping or as they grow p... They become independent then they don't need us much..." it's just for sometime.... Mom is a mom always and grandma is grandma..., as I have quit now am not able to join back. Am struggling hard to get back to work as my kid has started to o to school. Once we get used to domestic life... It's again difficult to get into the shoes of working women . I would suggest plspls pls think twice before u quit. And as u said u have worked for quite a while, and u might have managed many team members, being at ome; u might be dominated by our mil, u will be in stress and u would really miss the times when u got applauded for ur work and appreciations. U would tend to compare each time when's r idle.... So pls take time and don't make any decisions under emotional stress. Initially as ur kid is with mi, even if u quit she will attached with ur mil for sometime, at that time, u may repent  y u quit.

I disagree with this --- "Initially as ur kid is with mi, even if u quit she will attached with ur mil for sometime, at that time, u may repent  y u quit."

Stay in your parents place for atleast 2 weeks intially, away from your mil. The bonding will happen. Atleast that has been my experience. The baby attaches itself to whoever is their caretaker when their mom is at work, and this is especially true for moms who had to wean off their babies from breast milk prematurely. Taking breast feeds are the only way a baby will distinguish between who is his/her real mom and who is their caretaker. I weaned my son off breast milk when he was 5 months, when he was admitted in hospital with a bad bout of diarrhea(which was later found it was due to milk allergy).. When he was 7 months he started refusing to come to me. Just imagine, I come home from work hoping to carry him and play with him for sometime and he just would refuse to come from my mil. Then I forcefully take him away, and she would use all excuse to come and stand in front of him, or say something loudly to get his attention. I finally quit my job a little before he turned 2.

I'm planning to start looking for work sometime in October after I settle his day care routine. I know I'm going to face more difficulty in getting back to work, coz firstly the lack of self confidence due to the break, secondly apprehensions if I could balance work family pressure, thirdly the competitiveness (I have to compete with younger software engineers who are in touch with their field and have gone way ahead of me).. Inspite of all this ,, when I look back and think ,, Would I have changed my decision to quit? No way--- At that time I did what was necessary for me. I would try hard and get the job back, maybe I have to compromise on salary or job profile for a while, but as human beings we can achieve whatever we want. We have the power of thought and perserverance and if we apply our mind and go all out for it we can acheive anything we want. My friends on the other hand dont have this problem of bonding with their babies, and hence did not need to quit for this reason -. They were breast feeding atleast twice a day even if they were working. So the babies knew who their mother were even if they are with a caretaker almost the entire day, they rush back to their mommies when they come home, cos of the breast feeds.

Deepthi123, I'm sure you will get your job back. Keep trying. Hiradhu a member here got her software job after 3-4 years of break. You may want to pm her for inputs.. Hope she is still active here... 

 Hi NJ,

I would say better than moving the baby away from mil for few weeks, may be she won't agree or make a fuss. They are staying in a joint family, so even you take the kid away for sometime, when the kid mets her grandma she will get attached... That's what happens with parents too. Even if you leave your kid behind for couple they come to you running once you are back. Instead of taking the kid away, it's better to work from home or take a long leave instead of quitting and get adjusted. During the breast feeding time, the kids are very oing and won't remember for Long time so they forget eventually but a 2 year old is aware of the people around and does remember them. Once they return back say after a vacation or trip to native pace, if her mil is there then kid will surely go and get attached.let the kid know if mama goes to office she will also spend time. It shouldn't be like if mama is at ome only then they can be together. It's only how we show the things to the kids they understand. 

Deepthi,

I'm also staying in a joint family. Note I also left my job when my kid was nearly 2. When my kid turned 1 and the problem got more and more unbearable, I started taking my kid away on all weekends to my mothers place, sometimes even taking leave from work and attending any functions in relatives place however far it is, cos thats the only way to get my childs sole attention. 

Why should MIL make a fuss if her daughter in law wants to visit her parents place for a while???  If a person is not going to allow their daugher in law to even visit their parents place then I dont think there is not much of humanity in that person.

The reason a child will run back to their caretaker is why I had suggested on taking an extended leave/break and going to your parents place initally for a while. Once the child is attached to the mother, it wont happen that they will get attached to someone else more than the mom, since they will know the *meaning* of mom and not think that mom is just a name of a person like the others, . Initially the child does not know who the real mother is(or rather think its just mom by name) because they dont know that the meaning of mom is more special than any other person( unless the working woman has been feeding the child long enough). They just attach mom as a name to a person instead of signifying that mom means the most important person in his/her life. Now OP is going to be home for a while, so the bonding is going to only strengthen more instead of weakening even if the child sees her earlier caretaker.

Young kids dont forget. Its very important to set their thinking correctly about who mom really is and what does the term mom mean and working mothers who prematurely weaned off their kids have tougher challenges regarding this.. And toddler age is the period to set this thinking correctly. After that the child becomes independent and wont like to be with their caretaker much, but rather try to find friends among their peers. After that they start valuing their playtime with their peers more than just being with their caretaker. So the age when children *cling*, or the age of *separation anxiety* is the age when we need to correct the notion of young kids. There is a saying in tamil " iynthula velayadhadhu umbathulla velayadhu"  which means " a child who cannot be changed when he is 5 years cannot be changed when he is 50". The childs developments are maximum and rapid upto the age of 5. The connections in the brain gets formed by this age, ie the neurons in the brain. The rate of learning in this period is very very high while after that it starts decreasing/aging. So its best that whatever values needs to be taught to the child should be done within this period.

1 year of break is absolutely no issue at all. The longer it goes, the more difficult it becomes. Of course, by all means, you could use the sabattical of 1 year if the company allows. But unfortunately my company dint, so I had to quit.  Work at home is not going to work, atleast initially. Well later after you get settled, you can think of it, But work at home is going to be more challenging than working from office, unless you have got a very easygoing boss, a tailored work environment, and a project which has modules that you can work on independently from the others. Even then, there is challenge no man is an Island, and most would like to work in teams rather than alone and plus you have taken this time off to set another issue correct which is what you have to concentrate on first. So unless you are in your own business its going to be very difficult, and even having own business comes with its own set of challenges which is going to be very stressful in the beginning. So at the moment till things settle, i would recommend, *a complete off* by quitting or taking a sabatical from work if the co allows it.

*****Whatever advice I'm saying about bonding may not apply to working mothers who have NOT prematurely weaned their kids. They would mostly not have faced the challenges of getting their young childs affection that I have faced************ They would definitely face the work-life balance challenge, which all working mothers face. But not the challenge of affection of their toddler, which is the issue of the member who started this thread, and myself.

NJ, I can understand your feelings as I myself have faced this issue.
My daughter never used to come to me after I go home from office.
Daily I used to cry a lot and I have posted few messagges as well in this forum last year.But now things are totally different.

Since she turned 2, she became very attached to me though my in-laws
are her primary caretakers during my office hours. Once I am back from office, she used to play with me. Even now, once I come back from office, she never leaves me. She never goes to anyone other than me if I am there at home.
 

I have made the following changes in my daily schedule:
Arranged a cook so that after going home, I dont have to spend my time in cooking.
Spending quality time with my daughter during at-home hours.

If I need to do any work, I would ask my hubby to engage her in activities that she likes.
This greatly helped in improving the bond between me and my little one.
Now she also developed great bond with her father which she didn't have earlier.
But since my in-laws are very co-operative, I didnt have to face other issue that you have gone through. 

 I agree with you NJ that the period is very essential for child development. I am trying to say only for the reason that the kid is attached to grandparents u have to quit the job. It's good that you quit and u r enjoying motherhood, at the same time, there are working women who regret their decisions. It solely depends on an individual on how they are going to manage.

 Sorry there is a typing error.only that the kid is attached to grandparents one shouldn't get into haste and make the decision of quitting.

Deepthi,

I'm sure nobody would take an extreme decision based on singular reason. It is cumulative. I quit after 1.5 years of contemplation of whether to quit or not. I know for well paid working women its a huge sacrifice to make. So far they have made their identity at their workplace and they have to give it all up and the thought of having to be relegated to home work and the kitchen is definitely scary. IMO I dont feel its hard to get back to work once you decide to go back to work and go all out in pursuit of that. What IS Hard is once you get back to work, will you be able to maintain a work-life balance, or would you still struggle with it?

You have mentioned "Once we get used to domestic life... It's again difficult to get into the shoes of working women" But you never know if you had continued to work what is going to be your situation-- The grass is always greener on the other side. This statement looks like either you have not tried enough or that you have not tried at all because of your lack of self confidence. If you think you want to get back to work-- just go all out for it, and it will be yours. Maybe you will be rejected a few times, or if earlier you got a job within 3 months of trying, you may get it now (in twice or thrice the effort) in 6 months or 9 months.

Some women have even chosen alternate career options after a break to maintain a work-life balance if their original career was too demanding. This needs some entrepreneurship and people skills though.

 Thanks all for your respnses. I am still oscillating between deciding to quit or not, and right now I am more inclined towards quitting.  

Now my boss has  even started looking out for my replacement, so anyways its too late now even if I decide not to quit.

But its fine, I'll manage, I am just keeping in mind that I am doing it for my daughter. I am looking at the positive side of things. Just making a list of things I want to do like spending time with parents etc, things that I did not have the freedom to do earlier due to work.  

My hubby is very supportive, what he said to me and I agree is there will never be an end. There will never come a time where you feel its enough, as long as the money is coming.  So give it a go, take a break and see how you feel.  So thats what I am going to do. 

Hope the panic attacks stop!

 :) very good... Just dream about the happy time u r going to spend with ur daughter:) all the best!!!

hi

What I feel is, that this period of your child growing up will not come again in your life and to see your child grow is the best experience of life. if you are capable and have a good work ex you will definitely get a job after a few years...... so dont mis this lovely time of your life.

I have a 4 month old and currently on maternity leave and plan to be on leave till my kid is 1 year old to enjoy each day of her growing up. after that when i join back i am still going to keep the option of quitting my job if my kid needs me.

Hope this helps!

Hi,

Enjoy your break with your child. in general I never suggest women to quit thier jobs.

I hope you return back to work soon and come back wiser and stronger. And this time around, Pls remember the deal, always hire a full time nanny or send your child to a play school rather than asking relatives to help you raise your child.

That way you would always hv more control.

 Well earlier also I wanted to have a full time maid to take care of my daughter. When I brought my baby home ,   I suggested this. However MIL has an allergy to servants. She hates any kind of help and insists on doing everything herself.

So she insisted she will take care of the kid, she will manage etc. My hubby and I tried convincing her, but she did not listen. In the process she created this huge dependency on her. Now forget maid, my kid doesnt come to me and prefers MIL over me.

Now that she is nearly 2, she runs around the house and tires my MIL who has to run after her. Also, due to this tiredness I feel MIL has been neglecting her a bit and does not care for her as she used to do earlier specially when it comes to feeding her etc. Since she is a fussy eater, we have to be very patient while feeding her, but recently I have observed that MIL doesnt try that hard and gives up easliy. So considering all this, I have taken the decision to quit. For one I feel I will be able to bond with my child and secondly, kid will not be neglected.

I definitely want to get back to work, but when and how I do not know as of now, just keeping fingers crossed and hoping everything will turn out well.