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buba

kolkata,   India  

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To Aanchal.Shimz,momdword

Apr 17, 2010 1:03 PM Share

It was so thoughtful of you to go thru my problem and respond/care for me.I would also like to be your friend---------can we continu on with our friendship via blogging .Sometimes friends like you are more caring than even your very blood relations .We could solve each other many problems in this way.
As to your query as to whether anything went wrong with the cresche---------I really do not know coz my son was only one and half years old when he went to the cresche and obviously could not express himself / complain if anything happened to him there and this is what is killing me -----did they treat him well, did they take good care of him------was I negligient  of his needs--------was I  right in taking the cresche decision --------should I have left my job and taken good care of him at home -------------and I find no answer to this issue----------plz help me if you can .Today my son is all of 25years and is of the opinion that I had taken the right decision .It had taught him to be strong and independent.
My husband also supports him and says his mother could not have taken care of him coz his sister's son was being taken care of by his mother.Only I feel I should have either given up my job or allowed my mother-in-law to take care of him and at the same time subject myself to her torture also

BUBA  of impotent anger,Kolkata

 

 

 

 

 

 

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buba (India) Apr 20, 2010 9:44 PM  
Dear kn0609,
It was very thoughtful of you to try and understand me.Your advise was very appropriate.From now on I will try to think of only the good side to any decision and try my best to forget the bad side.Let me try and start taking the first step at least-----------
Aanchal has already taken me under her analysis and I hope to heal very soon

buba
 
kn0609 (India) Apr 20, 2010 11:42 AM  
Hi Buba...
I am not a psychotherapist, but I think as women all of us at some point of time feel very very disheartened in the way our lives shape up.... rather when it doesnt shape the way we want it to....!! Some with Career, some with children and some with life after marriage!! At the most we are expected to compromise and move on!
I can understand your point of view. But then .. it is said..."Always remember to forget the things that made you sad... remember the ones which made you glad." ... You should be happy that at least your son doesnt blame you for anything! I am much younger to you in age... but I feel for you from my heart coz there are times when I too feel guilty of a lot of things... but then once we take a decision, we should just stick by it and move away from the "otherwise" factor. Take care and all the best.
However... over to Aanchal for analysis.
take care.
 
buba (India) Apr 20, 2010 12:08 AM  
Dear Aanchal,
I do understand all that you have opinioned abt my issues very logically at the head -level-----but not at the heart level.My heart refuses to accept these injustices and this is why i am suffering even after so many years.I really wish i could have the capacity that you have and move -on ahead in life.-------this is where i need your psychotherapist touch to heal. The least that my father could have done for his daughter was to be symphatic and at least lend a ear to my sufferings------instead to my horror he not only insulted me infront of my husband but lent a very long ear to my husband's complains about me.

As to the cresche factor-------it was gruelling hard-work all by myself without any support from my husband.At the same time i also stopped giving any money to my husband for household expenses------which again he and his mother disliked.It was reaching office late, not being energetic enough for office work ,thereby ruining my reputation at office coz i was always overworked at home.
Never did my husband ask me to give up my job hoping that in future my money would be useful to buy a house( which is supposed to be a husband's responsibility ---is it not?
10 years back my office came up with a good v.r.s. scheme for which i opted and now i am at home relaxing as a housewife ---but the past is still haunting me and refuses to give me peace. I am waiting for your reply.
 
aanchal (India) Apr 17, 2010 6:50 PM  
dear anita, in my personal opinion a working woman faces two intense negative emotions after becoming a mother. one is frustration- which she experiences when she is not working on account of being a full time mother..and other is guilt- which she experiences when she leaves her baby in someone else's care on account of her job..she constantly battles between these two strong negative emotions.
i was also working full time before i became a mother. i am a psychotherapist by profession and had a full practice 4 years ago. i decided to take a long break and now plan to resume working once my son starts going to fullday school. there are times when i too feel very frustrated. couple of consultations in a week help me keep my sanity too, (besides being of some help to the patient..!!)
why i am saying all this here, is to throw light on intense guilt that you are feeling, EVEN TODAY, about leaving yr baby in creche and going off to work 25 years ago. normally this guilt should dissipate once the child starts going to school and the need of creche/babysitter is no longer there. but u r feeling the guilt very strongly TODAY even when there was nothing specific that went wrong at creche and yr son(who is a grown up man now) assures u that all is well with him. so above everything else, i would want u to look at this guilt which seems inappropriately strong and is troubling u more than it should. is something else bothering u besides the creche-factor?
i would definitely try and want to help u out as much as i can.