New mom or old mom, new parent or old parents, unwanted advice on parenting, on how to bring up your child, comes to us from everyone. It comes from your parents, mother-in-law, family, friends, teachers and often even from strangers. This advice often comes when we parents are under some kind of stress. So how do we tackle this advice we never asked for?
Understand the motivation of the advice giver
- Are they giving advice because they are genuinely helpful and understand the multiple roles you play?
- Are they giving you advice in a superior tone that suggest you are a bad mom or dad?
- Are they just busybodies who interfere in everything?
- Do they do it occasionally or are they always giving you advice?
Here are some tools to use to tackle the situation.
Method 1. OK, Acknowledge and change the topic
Say "ok" or "thanks for the tip" and change the topic immediately. The best way to make this work is to ask the advice giver a question about something else that they love to talk about.
Most applicable to: Busybodies, Teachers, and occasionally with Family
Method 2. That will not work. My situation is different.
Explain why the advice will not work for you and your child. It maybe because circumstances are different or because your parenting philosophy is different. But remember, this approach may result in a back-and-forth discussion. Be prepared as sometimes this may get into an endless, stressful argument.
Most applicable to: Friends, Other parents, and sometimes with Family
Method 3. Stay out of my business
Snub the advice giver. A simple first response could be "I know what I am doing". If that does not work, make it clear - "I do not remember asking for your advice". And then finally - "I do not want your advice".
Most applicable to: Strangers, Anyone who uses a superior tone with you
Method 4. Sit down and clarify your position
This method caters to the stereotypical storyline of Indian soap operas - the saas-bahu conflict, or the stereotypical mother-in-law who gives advice. In this case, the dad and mom need to team up and tackle the mother-in-law (or even both the in-laws or parents) about what your plans are and how you want your child to be brought up. A simple, direct conversation by one of the two (dad or mom) is the most helpful in this scenario, and states clearly you want to follow your own parenting path and are not really looking for advice.
Sometimes, you can say something to assuage their feelings - "I will definitely seek you out for advice on X or Y". Don't say this everytime as this is just an invitation for more parenting advice.
Most applicable to: Mother-in-law, In-laws, Parents
Method 5. Proactively prevent advice from well-meaning friends
Sometimes, we use our friends just to unload our parenting stress. And suddenly, they start giving us advice too, even if they are themselves only as experienced as we are at parenting. How do we avoid this? Get together a group of friends and setup a time to meet with some rules - Everyone just needs some time to unload what is on their mind, No one should give advice unless specifically requested. That's it.
You can do this at one of your homes or at a restaurant. Give everyone a chance to get a load off their chest, without judgement or unsolicited advice.
Most applicable to: Friends
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