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Adamant child

6 replies, Page 1

Manu17 2011-02-18 16:46:30

 

 HI,

Just wanted to share with you my problem. My son is 3.9 years old and he is very stubborn kid. 

Ppl say that don't give him what he asks even if he cries, but this child of mine won't stop crying until u give him. I think this will be a problem with all the mothers around.

but I have a specific problem- he picks any of the activity which has done on him and will start crying by saying it again and again and will not listen  to us at all.

for e.g. I could say like he does bot want to get up in the morning and I brush am trying to make him get up and brush his teeth, suddenly he st art crying saying repeatively that "Mama has touched my teeth", he will keep on crying by non-stop saying these lines, if you try to make him understand he won't understand and keep on doing the same.

How do I handle him at this point of time, and do you know of any reason why a kid does so?

 

 


 Former member 2011-02-18 17:06:22

 

u have to neglect him for meantime.... things will change automatically........

 

roses 2011-02-19 09:39:38

 

"do you know of any reason why a kid does so"

Yes he just wants to let you know that he has a mind of his own. It is just a stage of asserting his identity & mind which he wants you to know...he just wants you to know that he can have an opinion which may not be in-line with your agenda. This phase has been misnomered as the 'terrible twos' but can surface anytime in toddlers.

The way to get them off their 'high horse' is to just play along initially. Sympathize with them, show that you understand and then find a diversion or an alternate option for them. Instead of busting heads straight on it is good to use some tact and that way you avoid a meltdown.

For example :Brushing teeth is not really a fun activity for the little ones. When he cries that you've touched his teeth...turn around and say' Oh so sorry, I am so sorry..Let's see where it hurts....Can I kiss your boo-boo (hurt) " or " Ok, we will have to call the doctor and tell him A (or your son's name) has a pain in his teeth...he has pain in his head ...he has a pain in his tummy" make this in a rhyme and tickle him when you say tummy. If he is ticklish he will laugh and you can move on to some other topic just so that 'teeth' complaint is replaced by something new.

Steer him away from the spot and then take up the chore of brushing later.

At this age with the toddlers it is more drama than anything else. I could not believe my son could come up with drama for the straight-forward person I am. It is only on retrospect that I realized it is not that my son has the drama personality rather drama is just a phase.

If the situation gets totally out of control, you can just get him to sit down quietly in a spot, you should leave the room and just carry on with your work. He will be fine soon the moment he knows he is not getting the attention he wanted. Your husband should be on the same page with you because otherwise he will look for the weak spot in your husband which will just worsen the situation.

If he clings on to a toy which you do not want him to play with any longer than he has been, find a diversion or let him know it is time for bed. Give him his favorite soft toy, let him kiss his toy good-night and tuck him firmly in bed. There will be kicking and tears initially but after you've executed this firmly and quickly without flinching twice or thrice, he will know what is expected and that there is no leeway. Don't be rough, don't bring up too many excuses, just be firm and call it a close to the topic.

I hope this helps!

 

NJ 2011-02-23 05:19:55

 

Manu, In case of tantrums, try the distraction techniques suggested by roses.

Make a picture schedule, go through the schedule with him beforehand(probably at the start of the day) and adhere to the schedule. This works with most small children. It will take a few days to a couple of weeks for the kid to be comfortable with the schedule, but the kid will soon learn to comply with his schedule.

 

aanchal 2011-02-23 10:30:11

 

i agree with roses..there are reasons behind every behavior. and stubbornness never exists without feelings of helplessness and fear.

  • may be your child feels you coming down very strongly on him and reacts to this by showing his stance. (coming down strongly doesnt only mean shouting at the child, but also covers inducing guilt in the child, showing frustration, expressing displeasure etc)
  • another reason could be in the inconsistent pattern of parenting. you say you wont give a particular thing but then you give it when he cries loudly for it. when the child doesnt know what to expect, he starts making his own way out of the dilemma by putting his foot down
  • when a child always feels a certain sense of dependence on parents, he tries to check how independent and assertive he can be by throwing tantrums. for this you need to do 2 things: 1) trying to make him independent in as many self-help areas as possible 2) takign his help for small things and expressing your gratitude for the same

there can be many other reasons behind such rigidity. first thing first, you need to mellow down. you cannot be rigid and expect the child not to be rigid. you should also not show any helplessness or a sense of failed parenting when he is being at his worst. this will compound the problem.

what you need to adopt is a gentle and yet consistent approach for yourself. your approach should be out of discipline and not punishment or threat or guilt.

there are many good article on parentree regarding child behavior. have a look there. in case you can find this book "how to talk to a child so he listens and how to listen so he talks" by faber and mazlish, please get it.

 

Manu17 2011-02-24 16:36:23

 

 Thanks Aanchal for your suggestion.

I think even i get frustrated easily, so hence this problem. I should have more patience to understand my son.

I will defineately follow your advice.

 

Thanks,

Manika

 

 

aanchal 2011-02-24 17:07:50

 

dear manika,

you are welcome! but i am only a facilitator..the real help to your son comes from you :)

 

 

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