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A reluctant housewife.

94 replies, Page 1

AMP 2011-01-03 18:03:16

 

 Hello everyone,

This is a question which has been nagging me for quite sometime now. I have asked many women this question and the answers of course has been from mere shrugs to deep disappointments. I am sure that there are many women who had to quit work like me due to maternal responsibilities. I would like to ask such women as to what has been the reactions and behaviour of their family, friends and former colleagues towards them. Do they treat you as a failure? 

I also want to ask working mothers about their attitude towards stay at home moms.

I would love to go back to work too. In India there is no reliable after school care like western countries. Many people leave the kids with maids(about which I have a phobia) or with parents(I am not that lucky). My kids come back by afternoon from 12.30 to 2.30 pm which gives me no time at all to juggle. 

Many say that I am wasting my education and I have to work. I agree. If I have to work because I am educated then does not the same rule apply for mothering too? I have given birth so I have to take care. There can be many lawyers but there is only one mother to my kids.

The reason I ask this question is because I have faced derision,advice and pity from people. My self respect takes a beating for at least few days and end up souring the atmosphere at home. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I am human after all. I may not be earning but I have become excellent at saving where as my working friends still do not know where all their money has gone.

Dear friends, I know I am not the only woman who is  facing this. Let me know what you have gone through.


bandy 2011-01-03 18:51:50

 

If you ask me ... I will say it takes a lot of guts to leave job and be at home ... not everyone has that guts ... and I really appreciate you for putting your family above evrything else ... it matters a lot to the kids ... and I feel why care about the world and what people think ... you know what u r doing, why you are doing and for whom you are doing ... and if you are happy and ur kids are happy that is all that matters ... Also kids will grow and form their personality once and by choice you want to give them ur best so that is where u are using your instinct and education ... in building their future ...and this is the reason why everyone salutes a mother and in a family she is the one who matters most ...

Its time you tell people who pity you that they r wrong as by doing a job u will be mainly building your future ... but by being a full-time stay home mom you are securing ur kids future n that is what u prefer ...

Hats off to you!!

 

 

 

connectgayathri 2011-01-03 19:43:14

 

 hello AMP,

i am sailing in u r boat........samp pb as u r s.i think people around us mock when we r not working.but i think i have taken the correct decision..when i see my lovely kid..

It is not money which i should give my child but also 'Time,Care,..."so i think my decision is correct.But when i think abt money matters i feel irritated,becoz we need some money for our own use ...and also for some extent self reliable..

so i need to make my own money and also look after my kid..so thinking abt 

some online jobs,share trading etc..

So any one have any idea abt this can .....share with us...

 

 Former member 2011-01-03 22:28:59

 

Hi,

Its tough to be a full time home maker , especially after spending a lavish life in corporate world.

But then, maternal responsibility is above that. I too left my job, and the eraction of family members was- Why leave when we ar ethere to take care of the baby? Home loans, inflation, rising financila requirements..blah blah blah. Not that they were totally wrong, but more than my baby needing me, truthfully, I needed my baby. kIds are amazing craetures and will adjust to whatever you make them face. But I didnt want to be at receiving end.

Few things I planned before quitting-

1. Enough saving to sustain for atleast a year after income stops.

2.Along with the baby, simultaneously conceived an idea of entering into entrepreuneural venture than rejoining a 9-9 job.

3. Planned the worklife as max 15-20 hours per week till baby is one, 20-30 hours till baby is 2, and gradually increasing as it demands from both sides.

 

And keep saying ALL IZ WELL, until it is perfectly well.

Hope it helps to moms who planning to take a break.

 

 

 

SoumyaSG 2011-01-03 23:55:48

 

Hey AMP!

I feel you are no lees than any working woman out there.  Moms staying at home knows what it is to handle a kid "All thru the day".

Not sure how old is your kid and where you stay but after your kid is 3+ yrs, he/she will be in school for half day anyway, rest half, you can send him to a daycare.  Im sure not all daycares are bad.  u can get references and send him, and so you can join back to work if you want!!!!!!!! :)

Until then, all that matters to you is what your husband thinks of this and you.  if he is comfortable then push aside the rest of the people, really "push aside".  But if your husband is the one making you feel so then, think what you need to do and act,

Get a smile on your face, moms taking care of kids full time are under equal pressure and equally capable as moms working outside...........

Cheers

Soumya

 

connectgayathri 2011-01-04 01:32:53

 

 hi sheetal,

what is "entrepreuneural venture"?canuexplain it?

 

 Former member 2011-01-04 11:01:41

 

Interesting Post..i too have been a home make for the past few years nurturing and raising my kids.  I honestly have not faced any such comments where any one has questioned or stated that i am wasting my education. I guess its basically to do with your own attitude about being a home maker. If your content with your family life, then i see no reason for you to feel unhappy or sad .

As they say, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Sadly for society the term working means one who earns money..everything in life cannot and should not be equated with money. Being a homemaker and raising kids also needs skill. I personally feel we all are working, the compensation varies. A home maker earns in kind. As long as you are happy being a homemaker you should not really bother with what others talk..only if you are unhappy being at home then, you need to think of doing something that will make you happy. Instead of pondering over other people's comment, spend your time in cultivating your hobby or learning some skill which will keep you engaged and bring joy.

"Don't worry about what people think about you, because they really aren't thinking about you"

Just remember "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs..since the payment is pure love.


 

anwesha 2011-01-04 11:03:57

 

Hi Sheetal,

I too am sailing in the same boat and would like to spend some quality time with my kid. Am still a working mom and  find it very difficult to cope with the work, baby and home. Every day I live with a guilt that I'm not spending quality & qantity time with my kid.

You spoke about enterprenuneyral venture and some parttime work for 20-30 hrs a week. Please let me know about this more in detail. Here is my email ID: mangalagowri7@gmail.com

 

JKSin74 2011-01-04 15:35:18

 

It is a very good topic.My wife was also working in School.But she left the job.As per my exp. we should utlise our time in doing things which give us pleasure and mental satisfaction.If we feel that we should not leave the job then we should continue.

But i feel that everythings depends upon our family circumstances and attitude.Most important thing is that all of us wants respect in near group and from family .Also this feeling is with everyone whether working or not working. We always feel guiltyness.This guilt also comes in human behaviour.See we can not remail always happy.In our life it never haoppens that whole day we are happy or sorrow.

 

 Former member 2011-01-04 17:34:42

 

Hi Gayatri,

Kindly ingnore my spell errors in above post.

Well, as far as entrepreneural venture goes, in my case, I started developing intelligence development programs with couple of highly intelligent friends for school children based on various world known mental math and IQ enhancement techniques. This took me more than a year, and I never felt WORKING since it is my passion and deep interest to get involved in various learning activities for children. Mine is an IUI baby, so I knew about the  conceived baby right since the first week, so it helped me to plan better, like what work part should I complete to make the venture fruitful on weekly and monthly basis. We had planned the launch of our programs when my baby was 6 months. However she was born 2 months prior to her due date and so was this venture.

My baby is 2.5 yrs now and I work 3 days a week , and on an average spent 8 live hours daily with her. At this stage, I am on high as far as my motherhood pleasure & family life goes, thanks to support from all family members. I have option of working from home too and its most productive time when I do so. It helps the baby too to develop interest in various MI programs. None of my prior jobs could bring this much liberty to my schedule. Though it looks just IDEAL, however I have gone through various frustrating phases too when all my savings were put in and I handled mismanaged funds for few months, but then, as a full time home maker too one goes through frustration, which takes longer time to set right.

To all moms who planning to take a break, I suggest, you can take some to

1. First do self discovering excercises and funnel out what can be your genuine interest which can be converted in business.

2. Plan much before you deliver the baby. After birth, the baby sleeps almost 16-18 hours for first few months ad that gives you great time to manage yourself and your work.

3. DO not look back at any stage.

Hope it helps.

 

 Former member 2011-01-04 17:37:05

 

For some tips what my friends have started-

- An online chocholate shop, where they get on an average 2-4 kg chocolate orders and it earns a handsome revenue at starting, with capial less than INR 50,000

- A home based confectionery unit, where they deliver fancy cakes to shops. working time is 3-4 hours a day.

 

 

vinalchawla 2011-01-04 19:12:42

 

hello amp,

m sailing in same boat....& i can understand how difficult it is....

i left my job for my baby....basically i doidnt want him to b left in crech & wth my in laws was big NO from my side...i just cant tolerate even if my in laws interfere in my parenting...

i think a housewife has 24x7 duty, much moredifficult  than in any corporate world or any other job in this world...i can prove this :

1. in coporate world wen u do good  u r rewarded wth many incentives & monetarily benefits which inspire & aspire to do better, whereas at home u have to do ur best ( not just good) & dont expect any return back...not even a pat on ur back...simple logic, its ur DUTY...

2. wen u do a job, its something of ur liking, so its natural u put ur best in everything...but wen u r a housewife, u gotta do a lot of things which u dont like but it has to be perfect everytime...logic, every woman has the ability to do tht...

3. in corporate world or any job u have weekly offs , holidays, festivals, wen ur very imp work can hold on ...but at home for a housewife. there is no weekly off, no holiday & even a minute work cant hold... & on festvals, double work...logic chutti mein kya khana nahi khayenge????

i know all the housewives are gonna agree wth this...

but amp, let me tell u smthing, i miss my work...m not posed wth any questions, but somewhere deep in my heart i feel i should start working....bcos my profession is my passion & i feel lively wen i do my job...

but amp, wen ur kids grows up a bit u start wrking...cos sme years down the line u shd have smthing of ur own, wen the kids have their own groups & frnds & hanging out wth mom is awkward for them...tht time a feeling tht we left everything our jobs, careers , apirations, priorities for them & now they dont even care abt them, shd not come...as tht wud b the time the chicks fly out of home & we shd be happy tht finally our maternal responsilibity is ending...& we can concentrate on our lives now..

pen down ur thoughts more often, tht will help u relent all ur  negative feelings...write over here, vent out evrything, we can discuss & tht wil make u feel beter..

take care amp & dont ever think tht u r alone...

regards

vinal

 

AMP 2011-01-04 22:22:13

 

 I tried about day care too. One, they have traditional timings and two, they are very expensive. Who can return by exactly 6 p.m tell me.

 

AMP 2011-01-04 22:26:15

 

 I want to clarify. I am not talking about my feelings here. As I said, I get through it. I would like to know what other people's reaction towards non working mothers is. Is mothering losing out on working?

 

AMP 2011-01-04 22:33:20

 

 I happened to meet a Doctor friend of mine in a function and he asked me " how do you pass your time at home?" I asked him in return "how do you pass time in the hospital?". He was shocked, he said "I of course work" and I said,"so do I ".

 

connectgayathri 2011-01-05 03:39:20

 

 dear amp,

congrats ....nice reply...i l like it...

i ll try this

 

aanchal 2011-01-05 09:14:48

 

dear AMP, i completely empathise with your feelings about being looked at differently by our working counterparts. there are many working women who think poorly about housewives. but then, there are many working women who are jealous of those who can afford to quit work and have the opportunity to raise a kid. there is no generalization possible. different people have different attitudes. also, sometimes its our own complexes that make us feel that people dont think highly about us. if we are sure about our decisions and confident about ourselves, then most of the times, others vibes dont affect us at all..as you said, u r comfortable with your decision and have settled down with ease in your new role..hats off to you for putting your family above everything else..your child is really going to appreciate this. and believe me, you will also cherish this forever.

check this link..i like it a lot..http://completewellbeing.com/article/for-the-love-of-my-child/ 

 

Palls 2011-01-05 11:44:25

 

Hi all,

I'm Pallavi, a working mother too with three children!!! one son & later happend to be twins, who just turned one in Dec.

I read all the posts, will leisurely write back my views & share my thoughts some time later, but i really liked the reply of Amp, i really appreciate it & i salute you for that.

Cheers & take care

 

Swati83 2011-01-05 14:02:46

 

 

Hi All, I m new to this group & want to share some points on this discussion.   I m a working woman and had 1 baby of 1.5 yr old. I respect housewives as well as working woman’s because both have different challenges’ which are incomparable. For the housewives Its not easy to be available at home by 24*7 and complete all the responsibilities as and when required, on the other hand for working woman its very difficult to manage the entire day schedule with maximum optimization. My opinion is whatever you r doing, be proud on it. If you don’t appraise your self, how you expect other to do it.   keep it smile
 

aanchal 2011-01-05 17:13:16

 

@swati: thats the spirit..u r lucky to have it..keep it up :)

 

richaj 2011-01-05 19:41:36

 

Dear Amp , Its like my own story. My colleague n me left job together n for the same reason i.e. maternity. now after 6 months she joined back  leaving her baby with babysitter. I am not comfortable in doing that . So struggling to what to do. When i she at my baby i feel i m doing the right thing but i do want to work may be part time or something. dono where to start n how to  start..

 

AMP 2011-01-05 21:34:50

 

Dear Richaj,

I feel it is better we do what we want and do what we feel is right instead of doing something just because our peers did it. We all have different priorities in life. Trust me, I was the most ambitious person I had come across. I used to work part time during my college days and handled all my expenses and fees . I thought I would engage a baby sitter and a cook and go back to work. I held the child in my arm and nothing, I mean nothing felt more important to me. Other circumstances also made it difficult for me to work.

I do have some regrets but my profession respects age and maturity unlike the youth seeking corporate world. So I think I will just hang in there. I had different reason to work when I was young. I will have a different reason to work now. This reason is better than the previous one. I have much more to offer now. 

So chin up and do things when the timing is right for you. Hey, your friend is earning few bucks alright but what about her emotional state? No one can mother a child than the mother herself. Others can just give support.

When you get the opportunity you will be more appreciative of it and you will know why exactly  you are working. May be we will work longer because we started later?

 

 

AMP 2011-01-05 21:47:19

 

 I have a huge problem with being called a housewife/homemaker. Not because it is insulting, it is because I think these words indicate those wonderful women who by choice dedicate their whole life and time for the betterment of their families without working outside. 

I on the other hand don't have a choice. I am like an unemployed person. So, what do we call a person like me, who is always trying to get back to work? Who postpone it for few years? Can anyone suggest a name. Be kind please.

 

Pavanya 2011-01-06 07:43:19

 

 Hi AMP,

I would like to congratulate for your decision. I can definitely say that you are blessed to do whatever you are doing. Don't care for silly comments from the strangers who were trying to act smart in this world. 

 

AMP 2011-01-06 09:46:40

 

I got this message in my inbox. If anyone of you or your friends reside close by this opportunity exists. I am pasting it below.

 Hi I read your views on Parentree

I run a school for dyslexic children in HSR Layout... Tey are very bright children with larning issues. Its wonderful to work with them. We have ten teachers who work an average of 2-5 hous per day as per their conveneiece. They all tel me that its extremely satisfing and they cant wait to come back the next day. 

If anyof you wish to join us i would be glad to help. 

please visit my blog http://bangaloredyslexia.blogspot.com

Best of Luck 

Chetana Keni

 

Poonamtp 2011-01-06 11:21:01

 

Hi AMP and everyone,

I want to share my experience too. I also left my job for my son.  Everyone from my housing soc was knowing that I was working as a Lecturer in Engineering college. So after an year i left a job they started asking me are u going to join again? or we met after so many days so u started working again? or what u are doing job? but all of them are friendly. As they appreciate the kind of job I was doing. I used to smile and saying that I am on full time job at home. Many of them really by heart said that being a professor u have a wonderful career but  I used to tell them that I can't leave my son in Day care or with maid and they appreciate it too. Many of them asked to take the tutions of their children at home. I said to them whenever my son will start going to school maybe that time I can.

So as per my experience people around us don't tease us. They are just curious I think. And u should give them answers confidently. And I believe many housewives starts living restless, but thats not good always maintain your personality.  Many strangers in banks or in school,some other places  gets surprised when i tell them that I am a housewife. Some of them said also that you look like professional not housewife. I proudly tell them ya I am but I love to give my fulltime for my family!!!! Many of them(especially men's) said Wow!!

So What if u are a home maker always maintain your personality, impress people around you by your good nature and knowledge. Then they really likes you and loves to talk with you! Be confident !! Don't loose your self esteem. Always keep busy yourself groom your hobbies And Enjoy your life........... I feel like a queen because noone is ruling me. Thats not in everyone's luck. So Enjoy.............

 

pocoyo 2011-01-06 19:36:56

 

Such a wonderful post AMP !!!!!   Could't stop appreciating.

 

This is my story too. Initially I was very happy that for Important Reasons I left my Corporate Job. Most importantly I could see my Son grow every second. All of my friends appreciated for doing so.My hubby was the most happiest of all coz he feels at the end of the Day one needs Stress free Sleep, specially women when they have to balance between work and home. Not that hubby dears cannot but that women can balance better than men. All seems logical as well.

 

But Still whenever people use to ask me when r u goin to work again i could't tell them that i dont hav any plans. though i left my job i had a feeling that down the line after few years when kids grow up i need a job / perfect hobby which can kill my time. 

 

Surprisingly, now that my son is 5 and is going to school,  i feel like still he needs me for some more years. Its not that Gr* Schools have good menu for kids but that you will end up sending home cooked food for his hygiene and health. So by the time am free it will be 9:00am. After living all the Corporate life style,  u r habituated of having Own Space for Own Things so you need some time for you to fresh up. by the time u think all the work is done your Kid is back home saying mama, i did this, i did that and finally when u see ur watch the clock ticks Dinner time ;) ... 

 

But i know as they grow up u got to indulge urself in activities which keeps u busy minded. So What I did was slowly i took all the responsibilites of home other than earning :)  then i realised how tough it is to balance home than balancing Work !!! Now that everything is online I started all billing which my hubby used to do. Then my interest took me to Share Market. So i started doing that. Now that all my family members not alone my husband but also his parents his sisters his brothers will keep on calling me asking what to do, how is this.. I feel this way am being appreciated for the tasks i do @Home. Now i consider this similar to my Professional Calling.

 

I know its pretty easy to say Do this Do that but to follow that is a big challenge. Whatever and However be the situation,we should try to adopt that in our own Way. Having said so, I request all the bloggers here to suggest there ideas for self improvising. 

As poonamtp said, Maintain ur personality and Character and Confidence. People around you do appreciate you. Added advantage is that, end of the Day you need not report your Superiors ;) 

P.S: Amp,as u said, i was also really depressed being termed House wife /maker. I would like to say Confidently that you are the Strength and pillar of your Family. U stand as meaning for Relationship... So we can call ourselves "RelationShip Groomer"

 

Derivations are Appreciated. ;)

 
 

pocoyo 2011-01-06 19:38:56

 

 ohhh Did i Post such a big one.!!!!!!!!!   Sorry guys for such a big story ;)

Thanks AMP... U made me speak my heart (after long time!! )

 

AMP 2011-01-06 21:13:04

 

 Thanks to you too pocoyo and everyone who have joined this discussion and have given sincere opinions and experiences. Most of the time we feel alone in our turmoil and when we get to know that there such wonderful and accomplished women going through the same, everything falls into perspective. As I once told a disturbed friend "every woman is a story personified". We all know why we did what we did, if only others respected our decisions, it would be very helpful. 

 

 

AMP 2011-01-06 21:43:17

 

 I do some share trading too. Though I have made some good profit, I feel I am walking in dark and have been lucky so far in not falling into a ditch. I would like some guidance. Can you tell me how you managed it and what resources you had. I have been scared to reinvest as I am afraid I will lose out on the profit I have earned so far.

 

 

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